Britain votes to set itself on fire, then changes its mind

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

After intense campaigning by politicians from across the political spectrum, Britain has voted to set itself on fire.

However, some people are now saying they don’t actually want to set themselves on fire. David Plum of Taunton is one of the ‘On Fire’ voters now having buyer’s remorse. He told Newscrasher: “I voted to set the entire country alight but never thought we’d actually have to go through with it.”

“I interpreted this as a referendum on something totally different to the actual question, because I wanted to cast a protest vote against people from Poland coming over here and contributing to our economy.”

Another ‘On Fire’ voter said: “My doctor told me that setting yourself on fire actually hurts and kills you, but Michael Gove told us not to listen to experts or people who know about things.”

Others who voted ‘Not On Fire’ are now strongly objecting to the prospect of being made to set themselves on fire, with some saying it was a stupid idea to put this kind of question to a mostly bigoted and ignorant populace in the first place.

Chief architect of the referendum Nigel Farage has revealed he was inspired by the 1997 prodigy song Firestarter, the video for which won the NME award for Best Music Video.

Conservative court jester Boris Johnson is nowhere to be seen, but friends say he was never serious about self incineration and is now urgently looking for a bucket.

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