Theresa May has confirmed she will now rule Britain as a dictator, after lawyers gave her exactly the same legal opinion that she paid them to provide.

The Prime Minister said: “I have always believed that parliament doesn’t need to be consulted when making the most significant constitutional change in the history of our democracy, and finally I’ve found some lawyers willing to reach precisely the legal conclusions I want in exchange for money.”

“I am immensely proud to be the first female dictator to rule this once great country.”

“Even though the EU referendum was merely advisory and the vote was conducted on the basis of unadulterated lies, I’m going to use my newly decreed dictatorial powers to unilaterally invoke Article 50, against the wishes of the majority of MPs and the majority of the public.”

“There may be an outcry from members of the public whose brains have not yet been rotted by reality television. Such people represent a clear threat to national security, but do not worry, the Police State Act 2017 will deal with them.”

“Some of my critics have suggested that I’m a secret Brexiter, and cynically hid my intentions until I was safely installed as Prime Minister. I find that offensive – I’m much more cynical than that.”

“I don’t actually give a shit about Brexit. What interests me is that Brexit presents an incredible opportunity to seize power for myself, to sweep away all kinds of protections and human rights, and to abolish parliamentary democracy,” the prime minister added.

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