Russians unable to verify Trump sex-tape as nobody brave enough to watch footage

By Horace McSavage

Russia has refused to confirm allegations made by American news sources that it possesses video footage of Donald Trump in a comprising situation, for use as leverage against the incoming President.

Several sources have claimed the Russians have video evidence of Trump caught in a whole host of ‘unimaginably perverse and lewd sexual acts’, but a spokesman for the Russian government has refused to confirm or deny the accusations: “Although it is true that we have been given a video tape with the words ‘Trump with prostitutes in drug fueled orgy’ written on the label, unfortunately we have been unable to verify the contents because we can find nobody brave enough to watch the footage.”

The spokesman added: “Would you watch a video tape if there was even the smallest chance you might witness this grotesque, orange specimen in the act of sexual intercourse? Can you imagine having his gruesome cum face burned forever into your memory? Of course not. The suggestion that we would put any human being through this is beyond preposterous.”

Donald Trump has himself denied the Russians could possibly have evidence of him using prostitutes, boasting: “As if a winner like me would ever need to pay for sex. All I need to do is grab them by the pussy.”

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