Prime Minister Theresa May writes exclusively for satirical news website Newscrasher
After six months of obediently waiting for Britain’s most beloved People’s Fuhrer to outline her Brexit plan, I can now reveal all the important details of how we will smoothly exit the European Union and secure the best possible deal for Britain, while sticking it to Johnny Foreigner as our loyal tabloids have demanded.
Some people have suggested that there is in fact no plan, or that I am spearheading a secret plot to turn Britain into an extreme-right hell-hole for the benefit of the super rich. But let us not concern ourselves with questions asked of me by unpatriotic liars and suspected thought-criminals, many of whom will soon be dealt with by the full force of the law.
The plan for Brexit is simple yet cunning, and is sure to work. My government will do nothing more than issue ridiculous threats and make crude insults against our European friends and trading partners. We will also call on the EU to stop bullying us, even though it is my government who are the bullies.
Once they are able to understand that it is in their own interest to cave in to all our demands, the Europeans will do so with little regard for how disadvantageous a position it places them in.
My plan for Brexit will revolutionise Britain. We will have trade deals with the entire world, championing free trade. Our farmers will be stripped of their subsidies, our factories will be closed and replaced with cheaper Chinese imports, and our universities will be shut and workhouses erected in their place.
We will once again rule Kenya and Nigeria, and Suez is ours for the taking. India won’t want a free trade deal because they will want something even better – to be ruled by us again.
And finally, I will personally revoke American independence. It’s time they faced up to that fact and once again learned to sing “God Save The Queen”.
In summary, I will give the people of Britain the red, white and blue Brexit they deserve.
Red for the angry faces of xenophobes shouting abuse at foreigners and ethnic minorities.
White for the colour of the poor and vulnerable after we have bled them dry, and quite literally in some cases.
And blue for the Conservative Party’s perpetual rule, after we abolish democracy in all but name and establish a Great British dictatorship of the stupid.