If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.
The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”
“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”
“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”
Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”