What Britain really needs is even more xenophobia, announces Theresa May

Britain needs way more xenophobia and a few more decades of Tory rule, Theresa May has decided.

Speaking to one of the BBC’s Tory journalists, the Prime Minister said: “If Britain is to experience the joys of another 5 years of Tory rule, we’re going to have to increase the intensity of the xenophobia that has spread across Britain thanks to right-wing shits like me.”

“It’s the only way the establishment can divert the people’s anger away from the real cause of their problems: people like me, whose selfish and cruel policies are what makes ordinary people’s lives hell on Earth, and onto a carefully chosen scapegoat demographic like foreigners.”

“If the people were ever to catch on to our dirty little scheme in large numbers, there would be a bloody revolution overnight. But thankfully, our friends at the Sun and other tabloids have long been experts at convincing a majority of the people that it’s in their own best interests to vote for a party that always shafts them.”

“Although the traditional media will die out eventually to be replaced by online media, by that time we are confident that cuts and privatisation will have degraded educational standards to such an extent that critical thinking skills have become extinct in the working and middle classes.”

Asked about whether opposition should be allowed in Brexit Britain, Mrs May said: “I would never ban opposition to my iron rule, except in exceptional case where suspected saboteurs attempted to overturn the will of the people as defined by me, or where opposition parties attempted to overthrow my rule via the ballot box.”

“It makes me sick to the stomach to think of people like [World Cup hero] Gary Lineker using their fame to espouse compassion and decency towards the hundreds of thousands of potential terrorists and benefit cheats who enter the country each year, some of whom are children fleeing wars that people like me help perpetuate.”

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