All posts by Jeff

Born in El Salvador to British and French parents, I moved back to the UK as a teenager, where I now live and work.

The EU must respect our lies, leading Brexiters insist

The European Union must respect the lies we told to secure the Leave vote, leading Brexiters have insisted today.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high profile Brexiter said: “It’s all very well for European leaders to expose us a blatant liars, but the people have spoken and the EU must now respect our lies. We have every right to demand unearned respect for our insane proposals.”

“The will of the people is clear, and what they want is to have all the benefits of being in the EU, and to also have all of the benefits of being outside the EU as well. Now the EU are legally obliged to deliver on the dishonest promises I made.”

“Although the Pound is in free fall and the economy is stagnating, there are still plenty of benefits to leaving the EU ahead of us. The main benefit I foresee is that the gap between the richest and the poorest will grow exponentially, rewarding high net worth individuals for the hard work that they or their ancestors did to rob the poor of what little wealth they had.”

“Rich tax dodgers will also reap the benefits of avoiding the EU’s new rules on tax avoidance. This is likely to fuel a boom in rich people buying a second Ferrari and renovating the basements of their spacious town houses. The trickle down effect of this will surely be felt by Ferrari dealers and tax accountants across the home counties.”

“As originally promised, the NHS will benefit immeasurably when we leave the EU, when American healthcare companies will be invited to come asset strip our hospitals, providing huge efficiency savings for the taxpayer. Our leaner, meaner and more profitable healthcare system will also offer much more choice than at present. For instance, poor people are always telling me they want the NHS to be starved of funding so that the rich can have lower taxes, thereby stimulating creation of jobs that can help poor people pay for private health cover.”

Surge in Labour membership shows I am right to abolish democracy and implement national socialism, says May

The latest surge in Labour membership indicates that the people want an end to democracy and a National Socialist government, Theresa May has concluded.

The Prime Minister said: “The Labour Party has seen a recent surge in new members, many of whom want a more socialist Britain. Listening to the British public, I will give them the National Socialist rule they clearly now want.”

“Of course, my subjects don’t yet know they want me to rule them with an iron fist, stamping down on their faces for eternity, but I am clear that they want precisely what I want.”

“And that is why there is no need for the public to vote again on the brilliant Brexit deal we are negotiating. In fact, there is no longer any need for the public to vote on anything ever again, now that the Will Of The People  has been settled for all time.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is socialist but he only represents Islington and Labour Party members. Only I can roll out socialism across the entire country to create the British National Socialist state.”

“National Socialism has been given a bad name by the actions of the National Socialists who ran Germany in the first half the 20th century, but there’s no reason why this system of government cannot be tried again, with a strong and stable leader at the helm.”

“I am very clear that Hitler was a quite bad person who made mistakes, such as exterminating Jews instead of cynically weaponising them against the opposition. But I am the new Nelson Mandela, as I hope the media has now convinced you all, and I will rule for the ordinary people as I promised when I seized power in 2016 without a single vote being cast.”

“What’s another broken promise to a serial liar like me? I break electoral promised more often than George Osborne snorts coke.”

Corbyn smear must be true if it’s on the news, says moron

The latest media smear against Jeremy Corbyn must be true if it’s on the news, a moron has decided.

Low information voter Chris Bumfield said: “The news exists to inform and educate the public, and is definitely not owned by corrupt billionaires with the sole purpose of fooling us into voting against our own interests. That’s why I believe that if it’s being talked about on the news, then Jeremy Corbyn is definitely anti-Semitic like they keep saying.”

“I don’t pay much attention to things like whether there’s actually any evidence to back up the claim that he’s anti-Semitic, but because the media and people who want Corbyn out have been talking about it for so long, while ignoring widespread incompetence and racism in the Conservative Government, I reckon it’s all definitely true.”

“I mean, people don’t make up smears and then talk about them for ages if the made up smears are not true, do they?”

“Yeah, I used to quite like Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of making the rich pay their taxes so we can have a dignified society for all, with well funded public services and an end to homelessness and poverty. But then some billionaires started saying some bad things about Corbyn, and some moderate Labour politicians who believe in nothing except their own power starting saying the same bad things, which all convinced me that Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell while Theresa May is the British Nelson Mandela.”

“I’m just glad Rupert Murdoch, Laura Kuenssberg and Stephen Kinnock were around to stop me making the terrible mistake of voting for someone like Jeremy Corbyn, whose plans to fund public services and fight poverty would be to the detriment of the cruelly oppressed elite.”

“I see now that the real reason ordinary people’s lives have become so difficult is because we still don’t give enough of our money to people who are already extremely rich.”

Shock new media claim: Corbyn stood next to someone in 1988

Jeremy Corbyn stood next to someone or something in 1988, according to shocking new claims in the mainstream media today.

An explosive photo showing Jeremy Corbyn standing next to someone in 1988 has been splashed across the front pages of the mainstream media today, and is being heavily featured on the BBC, with Tory MPs and a number of pretend Labour MPs calling for his immediate resignation.

Writing in the Daily Mail, the pretend former Labour supporter Dan Hodges said: “I find it completely scandalous for Jeremy Corbyn to have stood next to someone in 1988.”

“As somebody who frequently pretends to have once supported Labour, I am uniquely placed to call for Corbyn resign and allow someone like Luke Akehurst, who has no interest in helping the poor and vulnerable, to take over the leadership.”

“With a nearly perfect track record of electoral failure, Luke Akehurst is the perfect choice to lead Labour to general election defeat, allowing my beloved Tories to continue to ratchet up the suffering of the poorest and most vulnerable for the personal financial benefit of the wealth creators and high net worth individuals who must be enriched at all costs.”

Staunch Corbyn Critic Margaret Hodge has also weighed in on the Corbyn photo scandal: “I’ve hated Jeremy Corbyn ever since he vanquished me in a debate in 1995, and now we’ve got him on the ropes with these ludicrous antisemitism smears. The amazing thing is that so many people are gullible enough to believe me, someone who covered up massive child abuse as Leader of Islington Council, that a lifelong anti-racism campaigner like Jeremy is actually a racist bigot.”

“Corbyn represents an existential threat to the wealth of high net worth individuals who don’t give a shit about poverty, homelessness or the NHS, and that is why he should immediately resign and hand power over to someone who will abandon hard-left ideas about helping the little people and making the rich pay their taxes again.”

A spokesperson for Jeremy Corbyn told a baying mob of fanatical propagandists, sometimes also known as MSM journalists: “As a Member of Parliament, Jeremy Corbyn often finds himself in the presence of people who may have very different ideals to his, but this doesn’t necessarily mean he accepts or shares their political beliefs.”

The spokesperson added: “In this case it is regrettable for Jeremy Corbyn to have been photographed with a known extremist who recently provided arms for the terror-bombing of children in Yemen, but at the time of the photograph Jeremy had no reason to suspect that Theresa May would go on to be involved in atrocities such as the recent Yemen terror bombings .”

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, say Tories

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, the Tories have said.

Speaking on the BBC, the Housing Minister said: “Sensing an opportunity to pretend we give a shit, the Government is proud to announce a new plan to eliminate the homeless within 200 years.”

“In its initial phase, the plan is to commission an independent inquiry by a retired establishment figure, who will spend at least five years looking into the causes of homelessness, before concluding that there is no known cause. And if the Israeli government pay us enough, then our report may also conclude that Jeremy Corbyn, or whoever is the Leader of the Opposition at the time, is anti-Semitic.”

James Brokenshire added: “If only there was an easier way to know the causes of homelessness, because getting rid the homeless from the streets of Conservative-voting areas is something I feel passionate about.”

“Until we have fully understood the causes of homelessness, there will be a moratorium on all new housing projects for ten to fifteen years to ensure middle-class baby boomers can continue to enjoy rising property prices, and we will be asking landlords to continue to rip-off ordinary people who have no choice but to rent.”

“Among our proposed solutions to the homelessness problem, at top of our list is to provide all homeless people with a 1:100 scale model of a suburban semi-detached 2 bedroom house, which would allow the Government to remove them from the official statistics of homeless people.”

Brexit food shortages an opportunity for the poor to diet, says Dominic Raab

By Dorothy Hotdog an Jeff Sanchez

Food shortages that are expected to result from Brexit offer an amazing opportunity for the poor to diet, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Speaking to Piers Morgan on breakfast TV, Dominic Raab said: “Brexit offers a multitude of amazing opportunities for Britain, including the chance for the rich to get even richer, the chance for xenophobes to have blue passports, and opportunities for the poor to go on a crash diet and subsequently die of starvation.”

“Families who use food banks may not be able to stockpile food in time for Brexit Day, and that is why this Government will be sending out a leaflet with hints and tips for how people can grow their own food. Older members of the public will be pleased with our inclusion of a number of traditional British delicacies, such as jellied earthworms and Nettle tea.”

“The British people will have the incredible opportunity to draw on the character forming Irish Potato Famine, and this is just one of many ways that Brexit food shortages can bring the country together in mass starvation.”

“The royal family is to be employed in showing people how they can grow their own vegetables. We will also boost public morale by restarting the Clean For The Queen campaign, this time making it compulsory for all benefit claimants to clean a Tory MP’s home.”

“Even if you have just a small plant pot in your miniscule flat in London, you can still grow a healthy potato plant and feed your family for at least two days.”

David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

David Davis resigns to spend more time with his magical fantasies

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

Cave divers find Tory party and are now trying to guide it to Brexit

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”

“They appear to have  survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”

“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”

“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”

“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”

Tories to immediately withdraw England from World Cup “to respect referendum result”

England are to be withdrawn from the FIFA World Cup in order to respect the will of the people, a spokesman has confirmed.

Speaking at a press conference at the headquarters of the FA, the spokesman said: “The Prime Minister has instructed the Football Association to withdraw England from the FIFA World Cup effective immediately, in preparation for the 2018 Commonwealth Football Cup which will be held in Belize during November and December, and the FA are pleased to confirm that we have formally given notice of our withdrawal from both FIFA and UEFA.”

Asked by a Sun reporter whether he accepts that “the will of the people is to quit the World Cup like Rupert Murdoch says it is”, Gareth Southgate replied cautiously: “It’s not ideal because England still had a chance of reaching the final of the FIFA World Cup, having reached the quarter finals tonight after our victory over Colombia, and the lads are understandably disappointed to be going home early, but we have to accept at the end of the day this isn’t a democracy and Theresa May’s iron will must be obeyed.”

Also in attendance was Matthew Hancock, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, who told reporters: “We are proud to announce England’s immediate withdrawal from the World Cup, freeing our once proud footballing nation from the shackles of the unelected and corrupt supranational body called FIFA.”

“British fans will soon be able to enjoy exciting fixtures such as Barbados vs England, Wales vs Nauru and Canada vs Scotland. Our researchers have predicted that Harry Kane will win the Commonwealth Golden Boot award with between 100 and 150 goals due to the low quality opposition, and we believe an easy England victory will provide a much needed morale boost for gammons at a time when Brexit is turning out to be pretty shit.”