Morons from around the United Kingdom have today expressed shock and anger after discovering that narrow-minded nationalism is no substitute for actually having a decent economy.

Chris Bryant from Berkshire said: “As a raving xenophobe, I was easily seduced by the neo-fascist oration of Nigel Farage MEP, and subsequently voted to Leave the EU.”

“However, the very next morning I saw the news about our crashing economy and began worry. I went on Google and searched for ‘what is the EU’ and was surprised to learn the EU is not actually a Nazi reich that wants to kill us all, contrary to claims by many prominent Leave campaigners.”

“I now firmly believe that had I not been a gullible, xenophobic moron for the duration of the Brexit referendum campain, I might have voted Remain instead.”

Speaking to Newscrasher, Boris Johnson said: “At the Leave campaign we basically just lied to the public to trick them into voting for Brexit.”

“But now the vote is over and people are expecting to see things like the disappearance of all Poles, or an extra 350 million a week going into the NHS, it’s now politically expedient for me to admit I am in fact a lying twat, and none of my promises will ever come true.”

Chancellor George Osborne has today unveiled plans to make further cuts in the quality of life and life expectancy of ordinary Britons, which he claims is ‘clearly mandated’ by the EU referendum result.

The former towel folder said: “Being an evil bastard, I’m always looking for new and inventive excuses to justify robbing from the feckless poor to give to the hard working rich.”

“Today’s referendum result is a clear signal that the people of the United Kingdom support my cruel austerity policies and want more of the same, as quickly as possible.”

“And that is why I’m pleased to announce the immediate introduction of a programme of new cuts to life expectancy of the poorest and most vulnerable.”

However, former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith said: “As champion of the little people, I oppose the Chancellor’s renewed crackdown on the poor and vulnerable.”

“Only I should be allowed to bully and starve people to death for the  benefit of those earning £100,000 or more.”

1930s Germany has demanded the immediate return  of its fascist ideals, it has emerged.

The demand comes after far-right politician Nigel Farage was caught shamelessly copying Nazi propaganda in his latest anti-immigration poster.

Despite the clear parallels with Adolf Hitler, in recent weeks Nigel Farage has attempted to distance himself from the former fuhrer of Nazi Germany: “There is a huge difference between Adolf Hitler and myself.”

“One of us is a sinister xenophobe hell-bent on stoking hatred and violence against imagined external and internal enemies, the other was a sinister xenophobe with a moustache who was hell-bent on stoking hatred and violence against imagined external and internal enemies. That’s the difference.”

A spokesman for the former Nazi government of Germany, speaking from his hideout in Argentina, said: “It is totally unacceptable that Brexit campaigners are now plagiarising the great propaganda works of my regime. We call on Farage and his followers to either join the Nazi Party with which they have so much ideology in common, or else stop using our propaganda in their campaigning.”

By Dorothy Hotdog

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has proposed replacing existing NHS cancer treatments with an alternative treatment proposed by Deal Or No Deal presenter and beard-trimming expert Noel Edmunds.

The EMP Pad is a device that attempts to stimulate “cellular resonance” in the human body using “low intensity and frequency pulsed electromagnetic fields”, and has a price tag of £2,315.

Announcing his landmark discovery on Twitter, Mr Edmunds wrote: “A simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer. Yep tackles cancer!”

Jeremy Hunt, a long time champion of homeopathy and good friend of the TV presenter, paid tribute to his war against cancer: “Noel is at the forefront of global cancer research, and I congratulate him on the astonishing scientific break through he has just announced.”

“For years NHS cancer patients have been subjected to the quackery of chemotherapy, but half of them never recover. This is an appalling record and it’s time for a change.”

“Worse still, the NHS spends some £30,000 per patient for a 50% success record. Noel’s own findings suggest the NHS can comfortably save £6.4 billion of the £6.7 billion a year it spends on cancer treatment, which would allow substantial tax cuts for high earners.”

“I think it’s about time the people of Britain got the cancer treatment from the NHS they deserve, and it’s up to a Conservative government to give it to them.”

The Advertising Standards Agency has demanded that the ‘Leave’ campaign begin to include some truth in its referendum propaganda.

The move by the ASA comes after a series of extreme statements were made by high profile campaigners from the ‘Leave’ camp, including a claim by Nigel Farage that “at the stroke of midnight the day after the referendum, one billion muslims will appear on the streets of Britain and will immediately rape our women, unless we vote to leave the EU.”

David Cameron has welcomed the intervention by the ASA, telling journalists: “Only I should be allowed to tell blatant lies to the electorate in order to win elections.”

However, Prime Minister in waiting Boris Johnson has vowed to take the matter to court, to protect his “right to blatantly lie to the people about everything.”

The BBC has announced it is to overdub all future booing of Laura Kuenssberg with rapturous applause, in order to ‘nullify the threat to her free speech from terrorist sympathisers who want to overthrow the government’.

The announcement comes after a number of people booed the BBC’s chief political editor as she began to ask a question at a speech by Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking after the event, Laura Kuenssberg said: “A few people who support Jeremy Corbyn booed me, and I will now proceed to use this as yet another excuse to attack him. With any luck, this will create enough of a diversion to take the pressure off our brave Prime Minister as his party is rocked by a massive electoral fraud scandal.”

Mrs. Kuenssberg added: “The people who booed me clearly oppose the Conservative Government, which was elected by the people in 2015 with only minor irregularities and cheating. And by wanting to overthrow the government at the next election by voting for Labour, they show what utter disrespect they have for democracy and my freedom to use our public broadcaster as the propaganda wing of the Tory party.”

A UKIP supporting xenophobe has failed to uncover any rational Brexit arguments on the internet, it has emerged.

Eric, aged 49 and from Cornwall, said: “Because the real reasons I want to leave the EU are all racist, I decided to search the internet for rational-sounding arguments that would allow me to pretend my support for Brexit is not actually an irrational hatred of foreigners.”

“Unfortunately, I was only able to find a selection of ill-informed memes largely consisting of a Union Jack and one or more quasi-racist non-sequiturs”

“How the fuck does that help me to justify voting Brexit? It’s almost as if the Leave campaign haven’t been able to come up with a rational case for Brexit.”

Eric eventually finds his way to the UKIP website, where he views a clip of Nigel Farage claiming that the EU is to blame for everything, and that all problems will cease to exist after Brexit.

Confident that he is now able to make a plausibly non-racist case for leaving the European Union, Eric phones his pro-EU nephew and invites him round for a debate over beer – a move he will soon regret.