National hero George Osborne is taking time out from his preferred activity of screwing over the poor to consider the options for his next steps on the career ladder.

In a candid conversation with close friend David Cameron, Mr Osborne says: “With the British economy in ruins, I am now looking to build on this success and move on to new personal and professional challenges.”

Looking up from the woman’s chest from which he had just snorted a line of coke, the former chancellor continued: “I can safely say the sky’s the limit regarding my future career prospects, thanks to my O-Level in mathematics and my extensive experience in the refolding of towels.”

“I expect the IMF will soon invite me to join their team, no doubt they are eager to use my economic genius to get the global economy moving with austerity and trickle-up economics.”

Confident his career will reach new heights, Mr. Osborne screws up a job application form from Selfridges, a move he will soon come to regret.

Labour Leadership contender Angela Eagle has called for the immediate suspension of all party members who will not vote for her, it has emerged.

The charismatic firebrand MP for Wallasey said: “Voicing support for Jeremy is basically the same as going up to me shouting vile abuse right in my face with a megaphone. For those of us who enjoy very little support, this is hugely intimidating, and I call on Jeremy to reign in people who are not actually under his control but who are voicing support for him and not for me.”

Speaking during a whistle-stop tour of completely empty rooms across the country, political lightweight Ms. Eagle continued: “Unelectable Jeremy Corbyn must also resign immediately and remove himself from the leadership ballot, otherwise he will win. This is because he is more popular than me, because I stand for absolutely nothing except for election.”

“I’ve had a makeover and everything.”

A leading twat who ruined Britain a couple of weeks ago has been appointed to a position where he can now completely ruin the rest of the world, it has been confirmed.

New Prime Minister Theresa May sent shock-waves though the country today as she announced her appointment of Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

Speaking outside Downing Street, Mrs. May told gathered reporters: “Despite being a despicable liar and complete twat, Boris Johnson is the right person to take on the important role of Foreign Secretary.”

The Prime Minister added: “As a shambolic figure of fun with zero integrity, Boris is the perfect man to represent this proudly shambolic laughing stock of a country on the world stage.”

“Actually, he was the only person willing to accept the job of negotiating the UK’s exit from the European Union. Even the ghost of Adolf Hitler, with whom I am often in contact, turned it down.”

“Boris is highly skilled at ruining countries, and he has given assurances that he has a detailed plan to make Britain great again by deliberately fucking up the rest of the world.”