By Dorothy Hotdog

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has proposed replacing existing NHS cancer treatments with an alternative treatment proposed by Deal Or No Deal presenter and beard-trimming expert Noel Edmunds.

The EMP Pad is a device that attempts to stimulate “cellular resonance” in the human body using “low intensity and frequency pulsed electromagnetic fields”, and has a price tag of £2,315.

Announcing his landmark discovery on Twitter, Mr Edmunds wrote: “A simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer. Yep tackles cancer!”

Jeremy Hunt, a long time champion of homeopathy and good friend of the TV presenter, paid tribute to his war against cancer: “Noel is at the forefront of global cancer research, and I congratulate him on the astonishing scientific break through he has just announced.”

“For years NHS cancer patients have been subjected to the quackery of chemotherapy, but half of them never recover. This is an appalling record and it’s time for a change.”

“Worse still, the NHS spends some £30,000 per patient for a 50% success record. Noel’s own findings suggest the NHS can comfortably save £6.4 billion of the £6.7 billion a year it spends on cancer treatment, which would allow substantial tax cuts for high earners.”

“I think it’s about time the people of Britain got the cancer treatment from the NHS they deserve, and it’s up to a Conservative government to give it to them.”

The Advertising Standards Agency has demanded that the ‘Leave’ campaign begin to include some truth in its referendum propaganda.

The move by the ASA comes after a series of extreme statements were made by high profile campaigners from the ‘Leave’ camp, including a claim by Nigel Farage that “at the stroke of midnight the day after the referendum, one billion muslims will appear on the streets of Britain and will immediately rape our women, unless we vote to leave the EU.”

David Cameron has welcomed the intervention by the ASA, telling journalists: “Only I should be allowed to tell blatant lies to the electorate in order to win elections.”

However, Prime Minister in waiting Boris Johnson has vowed to take the matter to court, to protect his “right to blatantly lie to the people about everything.”

The BBC has announced it is to overdub all future booing of Laura Kuenssberg with rapturous applause, in order to ‘nullify the threat to her free speech from terrorist sympathisers who want to overthrow the government’.

The announcement comes after a number of people booed the BBC’s chief political editor as she began to ask a question at a speech by Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking after the event, Laura Kuenssberg said: “A few people who support Jeremy Corbyn booed me, and I will now proceed to use this as yet another excuse to attack him. With any luck, this will create enough of a diversion to take the pressure off our brave Prime Minister as his party is rocked by a massive electoral fraud scandal.”

Mrs. Kuenssberg added: “The people who booed me clearly oppose the Conservative Government, which was elected by the people in 2015 with only minor irregularities and cheating. And by wanting to overthrow the government at the next election by voting for Labour, they show what utter disrespect they have for democracy and my freedom to use our public broadcaster as the propaganda wing of the Tory party.”

A UKIP supporting xenophobe has failed to uncover any rational Brexit arguments on the internet, it has emerged.

Eric, aged 49 and from Cornwall, said: “Because the real reasons I want to leave the EU are all racist, I decided to search the internet for rational-sounding arguments that would allow me to pretend my support for Brexit is not actually an irrational hatred of foreigners.”

“Unfortunately, I was only able to find a selection of ill-informed memes largely consisting of a Union Jack and one or more quasi-racist non-sequiturs”

“How the fuck does that help me to justify voting Brexit? It’s almost as if the Leave campaign haven’t been able to come up with a rational case for Brexit.”

Eric eventually finds his way to the UKIP website, where he views a clip of Nigel Farage claiming that the EU is to blame for everything, and that all problems will cease to exist after Brexit.

Confident that he is now able to make a plausibly non-racist case for leaving the European Union, Eric phones his pro-EU nephew and invites him round for a debate over beer – a move he will soon regret.

Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith is to change his name to ‘Iain Dunked In Shit’, it has emerged.

The hard-right politician said: “In 2010 when I began my quest to make Britain great again by killing the poor and disabled, I had every confidence that I would soon become the most popular politician in the history of this country.”

“But inexplicably, my cruel policies have drawn widespread criticism and my otherwise good name has been ruined. All because the people have failed me.”

Explaining the name change, Mr Duncan Smith told Newscrasher: “With my public image in tatters, I decided it was high time I reinvented myself. And that is why I have chosen to take one of the many offensive nicknames that members of the public have affectionately been calling me as I slowly ruined their lives.”

“At least as Iain Dunked In Shit I can pretend I’m in on the entirely justified jokes and abuse I am facing as a direct consequence of my sickening hard-right policies.”

Iain Duncan Smith has backed Adolf Hitler for Chancellor of Germany, calling him a ‘very decent man’.

It came at the end of a debate with the Scottish National Socialist Party’s Alex Salmond on LBC Radio.

Mr Salmond accused Iain Duncan Smith of “playing people against each other” over migration, and went on to say: “During my tenure as party leader, I successfully stoked up racist feeling against a perceived external enemy, the English, so I have a lot in common with Iain Duncan Smith aside from us both being right wing nationalists.”

The former Minister for Manslaughter denied his side of the debate had effectively embraced Hitler’s migration policy.

Mr Duncan Smith said: “The reason why the government has not succeeded in this manifesto pledge is because we have an unbalanced migration system and we have been been prevented from killing more of our poor and disabled by the interfering EU.”

The BBC has strongly rejected allegations that they have any kind of bias whatsoever against Jeremy Corbyn, a man the broadcaster recently branded a ‘terrorist-sympathizing antichrist vampire’.

Chief Political Editor of the BBC, Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is absolutely no truth whatsoever in the allegation that my excessively negative coverage of Jeremy Corbyn constitutes a bias of any kind.”

“I’m merely exercising my right to free speech, and my right to misuse my position in our public broadcaster to put out naked propaganda for the Conservative Party.”

“As a terrorist-sympathizing, antichrist vampire, Mr Corbyn must be prevented from getting elected and improving the lives of ordinary people.”

The Mayor of London Sadiq Khan has been caught sharing a platform with extremist Prime Minister David Cameron, it has emerged.

The mishap is said to have taken place as both men campaigned for the Britain to remain within the European Union. Mr Khan said: “we both believe passionately that the United Kingdom is better off as part of the European Union, but for very different reasons.

“I firmly believe the benefits of EU membership for the people of this country greatly outweigh any of the drawbacks.”

Mr Cameron added: “Look, I hate the poor and the vulnerable as much as the next hard-right Tory extremist, and I deeply resent the protections for worker and human rights that the EU has given us.”

“But as someone who is rich due to ripping-off the taxpayer, I strongly believe that remaining in the EU will allow me to protect my vast personal wealth, and keep getting richer at the expense of the poor.”

“I am also concerned about the prospect of an increase in the price of importing pork products from the continent, including pig’s heads.”

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair believes the entire Middle-East is in urgent need of a lot more war, it has emerged.

Speaking to a journalist from the Guardian, a paper which recently sold-out to corporate interests and the right, Mr Blair said: “My visionary intervention in Iraq has unleashed hell all across Iraq and Syria, with millions of ordinary people dead, including women and children, and with many more displaced.”

“It is now time to build on this shining success by bringing yet more war to the Middle-East, and once everyone there is either dead or has left, I am supremely confident that my prayers will be answered and democracy will finally be established across the region.”

The alleged war criminal and Middle East Peace Envoy also argued that “Labour can only win a general election with a leader who cares passionately about selling out the poor, is totally insincere, and is willing to send millions of people to their death on a whim. Basically me.”

Iain Duncan Smith has announced he intends to be frozen to death while sleeping rough in London, to prove he understands the hardship caused by the Conservative Government’s cruel austerity policies.

The former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “As one of the chief architects of the government’s cruel austerity regime, I am uniquely qualified to understand the plight of the poorest and most vulnerable in society.”

“David Cameron, with whom I colluded to totally destroy the lives of millions of Britons, thinks he can understand how austerity feels just by walking round a supermarket pretending to buy food. It’s totally fucking laughable.”

“To show the little people how much better I understand the impact of austerity on their pitiful lives, I am pleased to announce that starting from today I will be sleeping rough in London every night until I eventually freeze to death.”

Within minutes of Mr Duncan Smith’s announcement the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg tweeted: “Homelessness is caused exclusively by Corbyn’s refusal to back brave Cameron’s necessary welfare reforms.”

Figures in the Labour Party have welcomed the announcement, with one opposition front-bencher calling on the rest of the Conservative Party to follow Mr Duncan Smith’s example.

Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be angered at being upstaged by the former Minister for Manslaughter, especially after he invested so much effort into his highly stage-managed visit to a supermarket. However, Mr Cameron may well have the last laugh when he visits the homeless Iain Duncan Smith to burn a 50 pound note.

Eric Pickles has also now joined the austerity arms-race, and has floated the idea of starving himself to death, a process that experts say may take until at least the year 2025 given his size.