The United States Congress has voted to lift the ban on possession of anthrax, which is also known as the bacterium Bacillus Anthracis, it has been confirmed today.
Speaking on Fox News, House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Anthrax doesn’t kill, the person who mails it does. And that is why we have voted to lift the unconstitutional ban on Anthrax, safeguarding American liberty so that ordinary citizens can once again take their own decisions about how they choose to defend their homes and schools using this deadly bacterium.”
“By arming every citizen with anthrax, including teachers and homeless war veterans, communities all across America will become so much safer, because all future anthrax attacks will be prevented by the presence of a good guy with anthrax.”
“The large donations many congressmen have recieved from the National Anthrax Association have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, just like donations from the NRA have nothing to do with our lack of interest in enacting any kind of gun control.”
President Trump openly supported the lifting of the ban, publishing a tweet in support of the move: “Nothing is more American than being able to choose how to end another person’s life using a deadly weapon or bacterium.”
Angry American voters have decided to stick it to the rich elite by electing a member of the rich elite as president, it has emerged.
Chris Bumfield from North Carolina said: “The ruling elite have been screwing ordinary Americans like me for decades, and I was starting to think a bit of democratic socialism would be a good idea. But then Donald Trump came along and told me it’s actually the Mexicans and Muslims who we should hate instead.”
“It is true that Trump has sexually assaulted a load of women, has ripped off a load of other people and is hugely xenophobic.”
Bumfield continued: “But at least he didn’t use a private email server to conduct official business like Hillary did. Now that is truly despicable behaviour.”
“I’m so glad Donald Trump stood for president this time, because it allowed people like me to stick it to the super rich elite by electing a president who is just another member of the super rich elite.”
The world is now definitely totally fucked now, experts have confirmed.
Professor Chris Bumfield from the Idiocracy Research Institute said: “Our extensive scientific research into the human condition has revealed that the majority of people in every country are stupid, and are doomed to repeat the terrible mistakes of our forefathers, such as electing right wing, racist dickheads to run their country into the ground.”
“Thus, our inescapable conclusion is that the entire world is definitely totally fucked, for all eternity.”
However, not everybody agrees with this conclusion.
British fascist figurehead Nigel Farage, speaking from the head of a combined force of English Defence League and British National Party militants, said: “I congratulate the American people for ignoring all the evidence and all the experts, to elect my good friend Donald Trump to the position of fuhrer for life.”
A spokesman from the Trump campaign said: “The president-elect is eager to get started with all his childlike plans to fuck the US economy, to build that massive wall, and maybe also invade Canada.”
Lazy ‘basement dwellers’ who want a fairer distribution of wealth in the United States should be denied the right to vote, Hillary Clinton has claimed.
The presidential candidate told reporters: “Bill and I accumulated our vast wealth entirely legally and through nothing more than decades of really hard work, so I will not be lectured by hopeless basement dwellers who have considerably less wealth, and thus less societal worth, than Bill and I.”
“Their demands for a fairer distribution of wealth are dangerous and could cause significant losses for my Wall Street friends, who definitely have no influence over me despite their large donations to my campaign to buy the presidency.”
“And that is why, if elected President of the United States, I will immediately ban disaffected millennials from exercising their right to vote, especially if they might be considering voting for somebody like Bernie Sanders.”
Mrs. Clinton added: “I will also immediately ban that photo of me boarding a plane after I had accidentally shat myself.”
This post is satirical and contains quotes that are untrue.
When Gary Kasparov lost to chess computer Deep Blue in 1997, IBM marked a milestone in artificial intelligence. But Google may have now earned its own position in the history books with the announcement Hillary Clinton is actually a product built by its subsidiary Deep Mind. The announcement from Deep Mind confirms the long-running suspicion of many voters that Hillary is in fact a robot.
The project involved constructing a system capable of beating the best human politicians in the world at a game known as Politics. Politics involves a red team and a blue team competing against each other to not be as crap as the opposition, and is far more difficult for a computer to master than a game like chess.
Hillary V1 was originally deployed in 2008 against youthful Chicago lawyer, Barack Obama, but the machine’s software gradually malfunctioned and ended up crashing in Binary Itinerant Translation Code Halt — or BITCH for short. This time the Deep Mind team have tried to overcome the BITCH bug with Hillary Mark 2, a new program that agrees with everyone on everything all the time.
Google Deep Mind boss, Shane Legg explained, “we analyzed American voters through our hugely popular Facebook rival Google+ and discovered that above all Americans like politicians who believe in what they do whenever they do. Voters also find a complete lack of principles and overwhelming untrustworthiness reassuring factors. We are confident this will be a winning formula.”
Dr Tanguy Chouard, a senior editor at Nature who has been following the Politics matches as part of the review process, has described Hillary Mark 2 as “really chilling to watch”.
If Hillary manages to win, it will be the first such victory for a computer program in Politics, and a decade before anyone expected it. Deep Mind has refused to comment on rumors that they previously ran a cyborg for the position of Californian governor in 2000.
As the Democratic Party faces fresh claims of electoral fraud and vote-rigging, Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton has spoken out about the allegations.
During an intimate interview with sympathetic CNN anchor Anderson Cooper on board her private jet, the Secretary of State was unequivocal: “There’s absolutely no merit in these allegations whatsoever”
“I was always going to win anyway, all the major corporate media networks say I will win because I tell them to say it, so rigging a caucus or primary vote here and there, technically it isn’t actual electoral fraud.
“It’s my turn to be President of the United States. I call on Bernie Sanders, who unlike me has extraordinary grass roots popular support, to withdraw from the race and gracefully wait his turn.”
When Cooper asks her about the large number of donations from corporate America, Secretary Clinton got straight to the point: “I’ve taken an extraordinary quantity of cash from Wall Street and giant corporations, and I’ve promised it won’t affect my policy decisions whatsoever.”
“People have called me a liar on this, but I’m telling the truth. Honestly, from the very beginning, my plan was always to give maximum help for the super rich and big business to rip-off the hard-working American middle-class.”
Democratic Party hopeful Hillary Clinton has today shocked the country by parading her left-wing credentials. At a packed news conference, Hillary raised the stakes in her battle with social democrat Bernie Sanders by claiming to be “even more socialist than Bernie.”
Mrs Clinton said: “Thanks to my superior wealth creation ability, I’ve paid way more in taxes than Bernie, despite being a lot younger and not having the benefit of white privilege. And all those taxes have gone to help pay for things like medicare and other public services Bill and I are way too rich to use.”
“The vast personal wealth I’ve amassed during my career in politics is merely resting in my account; just as soon as I’m elected president of the United States, this money will be donated to a variety of charities and causes to improve the lives of the poorest and most vulnerable in our horribly unequal society. That’s 32,015,000 reasons to choose me as the Democratic Party’s presidential candidate.”
The announcement was greeted with some skepticism. There have even been suggestions that this is a cynical, last-ditch attempt to steal support from Bernie Sanders, after he overtook Clinton in the polls this week.