Little boats to pick up food and medicine from beaches in France after Brexit, according to Government plan

Little boats will be requisitioned by the government to pick up vital supplies of food and medicine from beaches in France, the Government has announced.

Speaking to reporters, a jubilant Chris Grayling said: “I have been a minister for some years now, and thanks to my incredible incompetence I have fucked up literally everything I have ever been tasked with.”

“I’m like a reverse King Midas, because everything I touch turns to shit. And this is why the public should trust me to organize the bringing in of vital supplies of food and medicines once our self-imposed blockade begins next year.”

“The last time Britain was truly great was when we nearly lost the war and had to scramble to ferry British troops back from France, as shown in the recent Dunkirk film that ignored the important contributions made by our European allies and commonwealth forces.”

“We are pleased to announce that the Government is putting in place a plan to requisition a large number of small boats from marinas all along the South coast, to form a flotilla of little boats that will go in and pick up food and medicines from French beaches.”

Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “We’ve gone from being told we’ll all be much better off when we leave the EU to having to requisition small boats to shuttle basic supplies across the channel to avoid mass starvation and tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths due to lack of medicines, but I still think we should leave because I definitely remember voting for Britain to become a kind of dystopian nightmare.”

“The Government should just get on with wrecking the economy and every single public service, even if it means living in Mad Max 3 but without the ending where they escape Barter Town and find somewhere nice to live.”


Theresa May pledges to secure Brexit deal that works best for her political survival

I will secure a Brexit deal that works best for my political survival, Theresa May has pledged today.

Speaking to Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “I am very clear that I am working tirelessly to reach a Brexit deal that will allow me to stay in power, with all the financial benefits this entails for me and my husband who is very rich.”

“I am optimistic that a deal will soon be reached between the different factions of the Conservative Party, which will allow the UK to leave the EU in a hard Brexit while still retaining our full membership of the EU and having Norway and Canada Plus Plus arrangements at the same time.”

“David Cameron called the referendum to heal divisions in the Conservative Party, and I now urge my Tory colleagues to come together in harmony to fight for our common purpose, stamping down on the most vulnerable in society, instead of fighting each other.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg immediately took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister’s approach to Brexit in a series of tweets: “Brilliant words from our caring and benevolent Dear Leader today. It’s clear the people love her and want her to stay on as PM for life.”

Kuenssberg’s tweet was followed up by “Conservatives now well ahead in polls thanks to genius May’s string of victories over the EUSSR. Violent momentum conspiracy theorists claim  media bias is real cause, but my research shows it’s because Corbyn is a sick vampire antichrist.”


Not letting the people vote me out of power is in the national interest, says May

It is in the national interest to suspend democracy for a while, to prevent the people from stopping Brexit or voting me out of power, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to journalists on a flight to the United States, the Prime Minister said: “I am on my way to lick the boots of President Trump, and I have better things to do than contemplate trivial matters like whether the public want to be ruled by a far-right authoritarian, or whether we should crash the economy and leave the little people to starve to death in the aftermath.”

“It is simply not in the national interest to let the public have a say at this point, because there’s a chance they might boot me out of power and stop Brexit.”

“I am clear that the public chose this strong and stable government to rule over them after a fair and democratic election, and it is despicable that some antisemites and terrorist sympathisers are now agitating to overthrow the Will of the People via the ballot box.”

“However, I am willing to allow an election in 2022, by which time we’ll be out of the EU with no deal, the NHS will have been sold off to American corporations, and hundreds of thousands of low net worth individuals will have died as a result of Universal Credit.”


The EU must respect our lies, leading Brexiters insist

The European Union must respect the lies we told to secure the Leave vote, leading Brexiters have insisted today.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high profile Brexiter said: “It’s all very well for European leaders to expose us a blatant liars, but the people have spoken and the EU must now respect our lies. We have every right to demand unearned respect for our insane proposals.”

“The will of the people is clear, and what they want is to have all the benefits of being in the EU, and to also have all of the benefits of being outside the EU as well. Now the EU are legally obliged to deliver on the dishonest promises I made.”

“Although the Pound is in free fall and the economy is stagnating, there are still plenty of benefits to leaving the EU ahead of us. The main benefit I foresee is that the gap between the richest and the poorest will grow exponentially, rewarding high net worth individuals for the hard work that they or their ancestors did to rob the poor of what little wealth they had.”

“Rich tax dodgers will also reap the benefits of avoiding the EU’s new rules on tax avoidance. This is likely to fuel a boom in rich people buying a second Ferrari and renovating the basements of their spacious town houses. The trickle down effect of this will surely be felt by Ferrari dealers and tax accountants across the home counties.”

“As originally promised, the NHS will benefit immeasurably when we leave the EU, when American healthcare companies will be invited to come asset strip our hospitals, providing huge efficiency savings for the taxpayer. Our leaner, meaner and more profitable healthcare system will also offer much more choice than at present. For instance, poor people are always telling me they want the NHS to be starved of funding so that the rich can have lower taxes, thereby stimulating creation of jobs that can help poor people pay for private health cover.”


Arriva Trains to sell lost children into slavery “to cover costs”

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Arriva Trains is to charge ten per cent on the return of lost children, to prevent them being sold into slavery, according to their updated terms and conditions.

“In order to cover our costs and provide value for money for our shareholders, children who become lost on one of our trains will be sold into slavery on the open market. This is in line with other rail operators, particularly those operating between 1939 and 1945 in Germany, Austria, and a number of German-occupied territories prior to their liberation by violent anti-fascist thugs in 1945.”

“Listening to customer feedback, we have now added a provision that the child’s parents will be able to buy back their child at a price that is ten percent above the market price. This additional ten per cent is to cover costs and protect shareholder dividends.”

“Drunks who fall asleep on an Arriva train and end up at the depot will have a kidney removed and sold before they are released back into society.”

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling praised Arriva trains in no uncertain terms: “The criminal extortion racket known as Arriva Trains is just the kind of innovative business the Government hoped would flourish when we sold off the railways and gave the proceeds to people who were already quite wealthy.”

“To reward its incredible success, the Department of Transport will be giving additional public funds so Arriva can continue to extort money from taxpayers whose poor lifestyle choices mean they cannot afford to commute in a chauffeur driven Bentley.”

“I particularly welcome the diversification of Arriva Trains into the human organ trade, as it coincides with the Government’s measures to liberalise the human organ market, which will soon allow the poor or homeless to resolve temporary cashflow problems by selling a kidney or any other organ.”

However, Grayling suggested Arriva and other train companies still need to do more if they are to meet the Government’s Brexit Solution Homeland Infrastructure Targets (BrexSHIT): “I still have concerns that too many rail operators are still unprepared for the mass transportation of EU nationals, political dissidents and the disabled to G4S holiday camps, where they will temporarily reside while the Cabinet decides how best to put them to work or dispose of them.”


Katie Hopkins struck off organ donor register as tests reveal she has no heart or brain

Infamous far-right nobody Katie Hopkins has been struck off the organ donor register after routine tests revealed she lacks either a heart or a brain, it has been reported.

Speaking to the Sun, a tearful Hopkins said: “Having gone bankrupt as a result of my own stupidity, all I have left to monetise is my body. But when I tried to sell it on the open market, there were surprisingly few takers, so I decided to mortgage a number of my own organs, including my heart and my brain.”

“You can imagine my horror when the doctors told me that my MRI scans had come back negative for either a heart or a brain. The doctors still can’t explain what causes ‘Heartless Brainless Bitch Syndrome’ or how I have managed to survive without those vital organs, but they are sure I’ve had this rare condition for my entire career as a far-right hate preacher.”

However, the far-right pin-up remains defiant: “I won’t let this set-back affect my career, and I am confident that I can continue to support my family financially through a combination of hate-preaching and agitation for Nazi rule in Britain.”

“I call on Chuka Umunna to call off his alt-centrist Twitter attack dogs, some of whom have cruelly called for me to be lobotomised in the past. Their nasty little memes just look so cruel now that I have been revealed to have no actual brain whatsoever.”

“Forget Jeremy Corbyn, it’s the alt-centrists who are the new Hitlers with their complete absence of ideals and their utter lack of desire to change society. The only way to deliver us from the alt-centrist menace is to vote in a Prime Minister who is so similar to Adolf Hitler that the media can then portray him as the new Nelson Mandela as he or she forces through a Nazi Brexit.”


Surge in Labour membership shows I am right to abolish democracy and implement national socialism, says May

The latest surge in Labour membership indicates that the people want an end to democracy and a National Socialist government, Theresa May has concluded.

The Prime Minister said: “The Labour Party has seen a recent surge in new members, many of whom want a more socialist Britain. Listening to the British public, I will give them the National Socialist rule they clearly now want.”

“Of course, my subjects don’t yet know they want me to rule them with an iron fist, stamping down on their faces for eternity, but I am clear that they want precisely what I want.”

“And that is why there is no need for the public to vote again on the brilliant Brexit deal we are negotiating. In fact, there is no longer any need for the public to vote on anything ever again, now that the Will Of The People  has been settled for all time.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is socialist but he only represents Islington and Labour Party members. Only I can roll out socialism across the entire country to create the British National Socialist state.”

“National Socialism has been given a bad name by the actions of the National Socialists who ran Germany in the first half the 20th century, but there’s no reason why this system of government cannot be tried again, with a strong and stable leader at the helm.”

“I am very clear that Hitler was a quite bad person who made mistakes, such as exterminating Jews instead of cynically weaponising them against the opposition. But I am the new Nelson Mandela, as I hope the media has now convinced you all, and I will rule for the ordinary people as I promised when I seized power in 2016 without a single vote being cast.”

“What’s another broken promise to a serial liar like me? I break electoral promised more often than George Osborne snorts coke.”


Corbyn smear must be true if it’s on the news, says moron

The latest media smear against Jeremy Corbyn must be true if it’s on the news, a moron has decided.

Low information voter Chris Bumfield said: “The news exists to inform and educate the public, and is definitely not owned by corrupt billionaires with the sole purpose of fooling us into voting against our own interests. That’s why I believe that if it’s being talked about on the news, then Jeremy Corbyn is definitely anti-Semitic like they keep saying.”

“I don’t pay much attention to things like whether there’s actually any evidence to back up the claim that he’s anti-Semitic, but because the media and people who want Corbyn out have been talking about it for so long, while ignoring widespread incompetence and racism in the Conservative Government, I reckon it’s all definitely true.”

“I mean, people don’t make up smears and then talk about them for ages if the made up smears are not true, do they?”

“Yeah, I used to quite like Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of making the rich pay their taxes so we can have a dignified society for all, with well funded public services and an end to homelessness and poverty. But then some billionaires started saying some bad things about Corbyn, and some moderate Labour politicians who believe in nothing except their own power starting saying the same bad things, which all convinced me that Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell while Theresa May is the British Nelson Mandela.”

“I’m just glad Rupert Murdoch, Laura Kuenssberg and Stephen Kinnock were around to stop me making the terrible mistake of voting for someone like Jeremy Corbyn, whose plans to fund public services and fight poverty would be to the detriment of the cruelly oppressed elite.”

“I see now that the real reason ordinary people’s lives have become so difficult is because we still don’t give enough of our money to people who are already extremely rich.”


Theresa May “dropped an E” before Africa “rave”

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

Theresa May “dropped an E” before her African “rave” dancing, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is passionate about generating new trade opportunities, and she is pleased to announce a new agreement with several African countries regarding the export of large quantities of high quality pharmaceutical products.”

“In order to demonstrate the very high quality of British Ecstasy to African delegates, the Prime Minister dropped an E and demonstrated a number of advanced British dance moves while under the drug’s influence.”

“The trade delegates were extremely impressed that the drug was able to turn a somebody as boring and wooden as the PM into an uninhibited raver, and several large bags of Ecstasy were ordered from an enterprise connected to Philip May.”

However, insiders have claimed the Prime Minister spent the subsequent 4 hours thinking she had a deep connection to everyone present, only to find out she and nobody else give a shit about each other the next day.


Theresa May challenges EU leaders to “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiations

Theresa May has challenged EU leaders to a “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiation, it has been announced.

Speaking on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “In recent days I have amazed the world with my incredibly natural and fluid dance moves, and the next step will be to challenge other EU leaders to a dance-off to settle the Brexit negotiations.”

Interviewer Laura Kuenssberg replied: “Prime Minister, not only are you the greatest dancer this proud, Christian nation has ever produced, but you are also the most perfect human being in the history of the world. Britain is truly blessed to have you as its dear leader Would you like to tell any more lies, which will go unchallenged?”

Mrs May added: “Thank you Laura, and yes, as a matter of fact I would like to just add that Jeremy Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell, and is like a pitiful worm compared to a heroic, lifelong anti-Apartheid campaigner like me.”

“I am also very clear that Jeremy Corbyn should immediately be thrown out of parliament, on account of him getting upgraded from ‘laughably unelectable’ to ‘now very electable and dangerous to my own personal wealth’.”

“Oh, but I can’t say I fear Corbyn so I’d better just say it’s because of the ridiculous antisemitism smear we’ve manufactured and weaponised against him.”


A Satirical Take On The News