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I have way more blood on my hands than the DUP, boasts Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has ‘way more blood’ on his hands, the former minister has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC, Mr Duncan Smith said: “Everybody’s making a big deal about the fact that the DUP are associated with loyalist paramilitaries who have killed numerous people in Northern Ireland, but the number of deaths involved pales in comparison to the number of deaths that took place during my bloodthirsty reign at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

“Not only have I got way more blood on my hands, but my methods were far more intelligent and sophisticated than anything those paramilitary groups would have used.”

“It would have been so easy for me to simply kneecap benefit claimants who arrive late at their Jobcentre, but I chose a far more elegant solution where benefits are cut off for a period of months, plunging my victim into poverty, followed by starvation and eventually death.”

“Like Adolf Hitler, I created bureaucratic manslaughter machine able to brutalise the poorest and most vulnerable, while giving perpetrators at all levels a degree of plausible deniability.”

“Why is plausible deniability important, you may ask. Fast forward ten years to my trial at the Hague, and I’ll probably get off by pretending that genuinely I had no idea that cutting off somebody’s benefits would lead to their death by starvation. There’s simply no way I could have predicted the outcome of my cruel policies.”

“Can we please stop pretending the DUP are somehow the most evil political group in Britain, when people like me or Theresa May have been running a far more brutal regime of death across Britain for years now.”

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‘Coalition of chaos’ with ‘terrorist sympathisers’ now OK, say Tories

Forming a ‘coalition of chaos’ with ‘terrorist sympathisers’ is now perfectly respectable, the Tories have decided.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “The patriotic people of Britain have given us a mandate to form a coalition government with the Democratic Unionist Party of Northern Ireland.”

“Their bigoted, sectarian ideals are well aligned with those of our party, even though we do disagree on a few minor details like whether it is the Catholics or the disabled who are the most deserving of being harmed by government policy.”

“Who cares how many people DUP affiliated paramilitaries have killed, because the Tories have killed far more with their cruel policy of robbing the poor and disabled to lavish money on their rich friends.”

“The large swing towards Labour in the closing stages of the election campaign, despite our repeated lies about the prospect of a Labour led ‘coalition of chaos’ and ‘terrorist sympathisers’, has given the Conservative Party a clear mandate to form its own coalition of chaos with terrorist sympathisers from the DUP, which means Theresa May is merely following the will of the people.”

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Theresa May announces September general election to secure larger majority ahead of Brexit negotiations

Another general election is to be held on 8 September so that Theresa May can secure a larger majority, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists, Mrs May said: “This general election has been a great success for the Conservatives and for me personally, but I still do not have a proper majority.”

“I demand that voters give me the majority I need to go into the Brexit negotiations and secure the wrong deal for Britain.”

“Therefore, the people will be asked to vote again on September the 8th and I hope that this time, voters will do their patriotic duty and return an all Conservative House of Commons.”

“That way, there will be no scrutiny of my policy decisions and I will be able to rule Britain as a dictator.”

“And in case some voters insist on defying my will by voting for one of the anti-British parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, I have a war chest full of donations from millionaires to pay for shit loads of fake news and misleading adverts on Facebook.”

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Theresa May claims election victory with over 110 per cent of the vote

Theresa May has scored a ‘titanic’ victory in the 2017 generation election with over 110 per cent of the vote, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said:”With my party securing an unprecedented 110 per cent of the national vote, the people have given me a clear mandate to rule the United Kingdom, in perpetuity.”

“There were times in this general election campaign when I feared that Labour might actually beat us with their credible and socially just policies. But in the end our tried and tested combination of smears, fake news, and targeted Facebook adverts won the day.”

“This is a victory of titanic proportions, but without the iceberg and all the chaos and death.”

“Okay, perhaps there will be just a few hundred thousand deaths going forward, but largely only disabled, homeless, or poor people whose benefits we’ve needed to cut to fund a huge tax cut for the rich.”

“One more thing. Because I said it a couple of days before the election, my plan for state control of all social media and the abolish human rights is now legally binding and can be forced through as a statutory instrument without parliamentary scrutiny.”

“It is the will of the people as defined by me and Rupert Murdoch.”

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Tories demand action over ‘left wing bias’ of electorate

Immediate action must be taken over an alleged ‘left wing bias’ in the British electorate, Tories have demanded.

Speaking on Newsnight, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Over the last few weeks we’ve seen the British electorate gradually turn its back on Theresa May, and warm to Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour.”

“There are a number of complex reasons why Britain has become more left wing since 2010, but this is nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that our sick policies have caused many early deaths among the poor and disabled, some of whom died through starvation or shortly after being declared fit to work.”

“Irrespective of the reasons, this left wing bias in the electorate is unfair on the Conservatives and I demand that the authorities take urgent action to address it.”

“There needs to be a level playing field, something that would allow lying shits like me to put out all kinds of sick propaganda without being called out by the media.”

“Conservative councils could act by forgetting to send out postal ballot papers to Labour areas, accidentally on purpose of course. They could also consider supplying polling station staff with the 2015 electoral register instead of the 2017 version, disenfranchising all the newly registered young voters who will mostly vote Labour.”

“Otherwise, we Tories would never, ever get elected. And if we can’t get elected, how would be we able to siphon off public money to give to our spiv friends and, sometimes, ourselves?”

 

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Theresa May claims victory in TV debate despite not attending

The Prime Minister has claimed victory over all other parties in last night’s debate on the BBC, it has emerged.

“My strong and stable leadership shone through in the TV debate last night, and I am pleased to crown myself the clear winner in this and all subsequent debates between the party leaders.”

“Because I’m now on course to secure a large majority, I see no point wasting time in pointless debates that I will just continue to win, so I’ll be sending along one of my equally dishonest minions to face the unwashed masses.”

“Come to think of it, why don’t we just postpone the election for a few years or even decades, by which time the terror threat level might have gone down and the economy might have recovered from Brexit.”

“All the polls show I’m definitely going to secure a renewed mandate with 110% of the vote.”

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Why Croydon homeless should vote for me, by Gavin Barwell

Housing Minister Gavin Barwell, writing exclusively for satire website Newscrasher

I know some people find it ironic that at the 2015 election, my majority of 165 was smaller than the number of rough sleepers in Croydon.

But homelessness is no laughing matter. It is a moral stain, which I have helped to perpetuate thanks to my callous policies as Housing Minister.

The number of rough sleepers continues too rise year on year, in Croydon and nationally. This year, more than 10,000 children had to spend Christmas homeless or in temporary accommodation. It is a shame that Britain cannot do more to help, but due to our cruel and unnecessary policy of austerity there is simply no moneyto spend on things that do not demonstrably help the rich get richer.

And that is why as Housing Minister, I have tirelessly tinkered around the edges of the private rental sector, instead of doing things that would actually help people who are struggling to secure adequate housing for themselves and their family.

Labour claim that we need to build many more houses, including social housing, and to legislate to ensure that all housing is fit for habitation. But this would unfairly affect those Conservative voters who are landlords or who own their own home, and who fear a fall in rental income or a fall in the value of their property.

As the country’s top expert on right wing housing theory, I believe the best solution is to continue to restrict the housing supply, and to allow landlords to decide whether or not they want their properties to be fit for human habitation and free of damp and infestations.

In this way, we are providing more choice for tenants in terms of housing quality, making it easier than ever before for people who are currently poor or homeless to find an affordable housing solution.

Poor people in Croydon need to take much more responsibility for themselves, and try harder to take advantage of the opportunities associated with living in substandard accommodation.

An infestation of grotesquely large rats, for example, could be used to supplement a family’s consumption of fresh meat, or perhaps even provide an inexpensive family pet. A leaky roof could be used to fill a child’s bath without risking a large water bill at the end of the month. Mould growing in a damp corner could be used to cultivate penicillin to treat a family member’s chronic chest infection, without overburdening the soon to be privatised NHS.

Thanks to considerable pressure from me, these cost cutting measures were taken into account in the Chancellor’s last budget, when deciding how much to rob from the poor to give to the deserving rich.

To the poor or homeless people of Croydon Central, I say vote for me to stay stuck living in substandard but expensive housing, or on sleeping rough on the streets.

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F*ck you peasants, says Theresa May

Theresa May has told British peasants to go fuck themselves, it has emerged.

Speaking at the launch of the Conservative election manifesto, the Prime Minister said: “To all the peasants watching at home, FUCK YOU!”

“Because we’re confident of a crushing victory over the left wing saboteurs who continue to defy the will of the people, I’ve stuffed the Conservative Party’s manifesto full to the brim with all my spite and malice, in the form of policies designed to inflict yet more suffering on the poorest and most vulnerable in our so-called society.”

“To protect national security and to prop up the failing business model of patriotic British newspapers like the Mail and the Sun, I will legislate to censor social media and independent, left wing online media. At long last, we will ensure that citizens are no longer at risk of reading anything that is either true or left wing, raising the possibility of strong and stable Conservative rule for all eternity.”

“We will also snatch food from the mouths of hungry school children, to restore unfairness and inequality to school meal times. Because I believe in personal responsibility and good life choices,  I also believe that nobody should be required to feed somebody else’s child, however malnourished they may be.”

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Peston: my silence on benefit cut deaths is to avoid pro-Labour bias

Ignoring deaths that occurred due to benefit cuts is necessary to avoid being too pro-Labour, Robert Peston has claimed.

The ITV presenter said: “When people die as a result of having their benefits stopped it makes me sad, but it’s nothing to do with people like me who consistently fail to scrutinise the Government. We’re far too busy holding the opposition to account to pay attention to the plight of whoever Theresa May’s jackboot stamps down on today.”

“Maybe if Jeremy Corbyn would just stop giving the media ammunition against him, we might then have time to have a look into some of the cruel policies the Conservatives are imposing on the poorest and most vulnerable people in society.”

“In any case, it’s Labour’s job to speak up for the poor and vulnerable, so if were to speak out about benefit cut deaths I would be rightfully accused of pro-Labour bias.”

“Last week I was just about to start investigating the impact of Conservative policies on British society, but Jeremy Corbyn ruined my plans by releasing the draft Labour manifesto, and I had no choice except to scrutinise every last detail and do my best to misrepresent it as taking Britain back to the 1970s.”

“However, when it comes to the Tories, I am more than happy to wave-through all their policies, and I will be more than happy to parrot claims that the party is modern and in tune with working class people, when in fact the Tories want to take Britain back to the 1870s.”

“Who cares about integrity when I may get into the honours list.”

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Theresa May to run journalists over in tank after Corbyn poll boost

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May plans to run over journalists in a tank, after Jeremy Corbyn experienced a spike in popularity when the car he was riding in accidentally ran over a cameraman’s foot, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “After a car carrying Mr Corbyn accidentally injured a cameraman, and the BBC manufactured a fake news story about the incident, his popularity experienced a sudden and unexpected boost.”

“After seeing how this BBC smear attempt has backfired, the Prime Minister has decided to manufacture a similar incident where she will run over one or more journalists in a Mk IV Churchill tank, en route to a gathering of Conservative activists in a remote village hall.”

“The choice of tank is highly symbolic, and should evoke memories of Britain’s finest hour in the Second World War and associate the Prime Minister with Britain’s glorious victory over other Europeans and the Japanese.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “I will be on hand to publish tweets arguing that when Theresa May runs someone over it shows she has the strong and stable leadership that dumbed down British votes crave. ”

“Of course, I’ll also be tweeting fake news about Jeremy Corbyn.”

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