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Tories announce new plan to lie about everything, all the time

The Tories plan to lie about everything, all the time, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Tories said: “The Conservative Party is currently at an unfair disadvantage because the public generally think we’re total bastards who want to ruin their lives, and possibly even starve them to death.”

“Today I am proud to announce our innovative new plan to deal with this injustice, which involves simply lying about everything, all the time.”

“With the help of the right-wing media and the state broadcasting corporation, our lies will be uncritically passed on to the public, many of whom will be gullible enough to vote us into power again.”

“For instance, when people start to notice the NHS is crumbling because we’ve starved it of funding, we can simply repeat the lie about there being a winter crisis every year. We can also lie about putting record levels of funding into the NHS, and if we feel like doing a bit of gaslighting, we can also claim Jeremy Corbyn and Labour are to blame for everything.”

When asked why they don’t come up with some proper policies, the Tory spokesman said: “When your main goal is to get into power and grab as much cash as you can for yourself and your wealthy donors, lying your way through elections is pretty much the only option.”

“People often ask us why we never come up with innovative ideas to solve the numerous problems Britain is currently facing, despite having been educated at the most expensive public schools.”

“But the thing is, we created many of these so called problems on purpose. Things like poverty and underfunded pubic services are beneficial to the high net worth individuals our party represents.”

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We hate socialism except when our rich donors need bailing out, say Tories

Socialism is evil except when our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out with taxpayers’ money, the Conservatives have announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said:”Nobody hates socialism more than I do, but our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out using public funds from the magic money tree.”

“For years now the Government has paid companies like Carillion to provide rip-off public services and to build overpriced infrastructure, in return for generous donations to the propaganda budget of the criminal organisation known as the Conservative Party.”

“I am gravely concerned about Carillion going bust, not because thousands of ordinary people will lose their jobs, and not because public services and infrastructure projects will be disrupted.”

“My real concern is about the potential loss of future donations from Carillion executives, which we Conservatives will need if we are win future elections against a Labour Party that now has such incredible grass-roots support.”

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These 7 ways the Tories are different to the Nazis will blow your mind

People on the internet have been making comparisons between the Tories and the Nazi Party of Second World War fame, but how similar are they really?

Is it really fair to compare the depraved acts of an openly fascist organisation to what the Nazis did? In this article we list 7 key ways that set the Tories and the Nazis apart.

1. Theresa May does not sport a particularly obvious moustache. Everyone knows that if fascism ever resurfaces in Europe, its leaders will wear exactly the same clothes and have identical facial hair as Hitler did. Because Mrs May does not have a moustache, at least when out in public, she clearly cannot be a fascist.

2. The Tories have no current plans to kill people in concentration camps. The Tories have already ruled out shipping the poor and vulnerable off to concentration camps, instead favouring the withdrawal of benefits as a more humane way to cause suffering and eventual death.

3. The Conservatives do not speak German as their first language. Also, the party leader is British, not Austrian, which just goes to prove the Tories are not a party of fascists.

4. The Tories pretend to be the party of the workers in a slightly different way to how the Nazis did. Although both parties dishonestly pretend to best represent the interests of the workers, the Conservative Party is clearly different because it does not include the words ‘socialist’ or ‘worker’ in its official name.

5. The Conservatives have consistently failed to get the trains to run on time. Even that oaf Mussolini managed to make his public transport run on time.

6. The Tories have no particular interest in invading Poland or Czechoslovakia. However, they are more than happy to sell arms to questionable regimes and fuel conflict in the Middle East, resulting in a huge amount of death and suffering, but this is quite different and totally not immoral.

7. The ‘work sets you free myth’. Former Conservative Secretary of State for Work and Pension did proudly declare “work sets you free” on live national television, but he didn’t order signs with that Nazi slogan to be hung over the entrance of places of state-sanctioned suffering, also known as Job Centres.

Do you agree or disagree? Add your comment, or other examples, below this article.

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Tory chairman calls on Corbyn to ‘take a stand’ against online criticism of Tories

The Chairman of the Conservative Party has called on Jeremy Corbyn to ‘take a stand’ against people who have ‘for too long’ been allowed to criticise Tory policies.

Chairman Brandon Lewis said: “Jeremy Corbyn must take a stand against far-left online trolls.”*

“With this piece of gaslighting, not only do we try to associate Jeremy Corbyn with so online abuse by private individuals who have no actual connection with Jeremy Corbyn, we also smear critics of my party’s cruel austerity policies as though they were hateful extremists.”

“There are still some potential Conservative voters out there whose lives my party still haven’t completely fucked, and it is almost inevitable that they will eventually hear criticism of our austerity policies from friends or relatives. When that happens, we need to ensure these precious voters are able to dismiss any complaints out of hand, with name calling, smears, and accusations of insufficient patriotism.”

“We need the public to believe we Tories are the innocent victims of cruel socialist bullies, whose criticism of our policy of mercilessly hounding the poor and disabled is actually abuse.”

* Note: this first quote is actually real, amazingly.

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BBC’s Countryfile accused of blatant and rabid pro-remain bias

By Johnny Zenith and Jeff Sanchez

BBC’s Countryfile programme has been accused of blatant, rabid and sick pro-remain bias, it has been reported.

Numerous viewers phoned in to complain that this week’s programme looked at the challenges British agriculture is expected to face after the country leaves the EU, instead of focusing on a white, former commonwealth country like New Zealand.

Writing on the BBC’s website, viewer Peter Hamface of Wart-On-Wirral, said: “It’s disgusting. I’m so blinded by Anti-EU rhetoric that the moment Countryfile didn’t promote the great virtues of Brexit I put my foot through the television screen. I will be billing the BBC for another one, of course”.

Angry from Brexiton, Devon, commented: “Appalled by the blatant attempts to brainwash the over 90s into changing their minds over Brexit. We didn’t need to know any of the facts to know what we were voting for, and we don’t want any of your tricky facts now, thank you very much, because they might change our minds.”

And on social media, one user wrote: “When I tune in to Cuntryfile I don’t want to see nothing on about furrinners not wanting to pick froot in our lubberly fields GO Go home STOP Mooaning YErr LUCKY TO BE HERE AFTER WE saved you WW2 you’d speak German.”

As the furore grows, the Prime Mnister has ordered an immediate inquiry into pro-remain bias on Countryfile, telling Parliament: “The BBC are meant to support the aims of this Government as we carry out the will of the people. This means each and every programme, from Question Time to Teletubbies, must make the strongest possible case not only for Tory rule, but also for a hard Brexit.”

“I am very clear the Countryfile team have shown a disappointing lack of commitment to my strong and stable cause, and that is why I have ordered an urgent inquiry into how the right wing media can be used to smear the traitors responsible, and how we might also blame Jeremy Corbyn for the entirely predictable collapse of British agriculture.”

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Basin haircut makes me look like a Crusader knight, boasts Theresa May

The Prime Minister believes her basin haircut makes her look like a Crusader knight, it has been revealed.

An anonymous source with close links to the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is very keen to show off her Christianity and dispel the myth that her policies of starving the poor and hounding the disabled are not compatible with the Christian faith.”

“After looking at a number of possible options, it was decided that a basin haircut would make her look a bit like a Crusader knight, providing just the right look as she strives to carry out the austere will of Christ.”

“We worked closely with a top hair stylist to ensure the PM didn’t end up looking like a massive bellend. A recent poll shows most people think she doesn’t.”

However, a recent poll for Newscrasher found that more than half of respondents believe Theresa May is in fact a massive bellend.

Further elaborating on Mrs May’s hairstyle makeover, the anonymous source added: “Labour voters might not like it, but the fact that the Crusaders went on a murderous rampage in the Middle East, slaughtering everyone in their path, is expected to play well with the prejudiced and callous Tory and Ukip voters to whom she wishes to pander.”

“The PM particularly wants to show she is a strong, fighting woman who is battling for Britain against saboteurs and the treacherous European Union who are trying to defy her iron will.”

“The Eurocrats appeared to be visibly shaken with fear during her most recent meeting in Brussels. However, some unpatriotic commentators from the fake news have suggested that they may instead have been shaking with side-splitting laughter at her ineptitude.”

“In recent months our team has come under sustained attack from problematic thugs on social media, who have pointed out that if the Prime Minister was a genuine Christian, she would not plunge children into poverty or sentence the most vulnerable members of society to death.”

“We believe the Momentum terrorist group are behind this campaign of bullying, and we call on Jeremy Corbyn to immediately shut down the group, so the Prime Minister can get on with ruining ordinary people’s lives with the impunity she desires.”

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Left wing people who don’t want the disabled to die are the real monsters, says the right wing media

Left wing people who don’t want the sick and disabled to die are the real monsters, the right wing media has decided.

One right wing journalist told us: “Who are the real monsters: the bean counters in the Government who say there’s no money to prevent the poor and disabled starving or freezing to death, while claiming over a hundred thousand a year in expenses?”

“No, the real monsters are the left wing thugs who’ve had the audacity to complain on about austerity and the deliberate defunding of the NHS.”

“When people criticise the Prime Minister or members of her Cabinet for hounding the disabled, we do our best to paint the Tories as victims of cruel internet bullies, when in fact the opposite is true.”

“My boss Rupert Murdoch and our Tory chums would prefer it if people wouldn’t bother to think about things, and simply accept what we say as some kind of self evident common sense.”

“In any case, thinking is unpatriotic and helps the enemies of the people who are intent on talking this country down.”

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We won two world wars and one world cup so we can do anything, Brexiters claim

The fact that the country has won two World Wars and one World Cup means we can achieve anything, leading Brexiters have claimed.

Responding to questions about his competence, chief Brexiter David Davis said: “If there’s one thing the 2017 film Dunkirk has taught us, it’s that Britain can easily make a frantic wthdrawal from Europe without any real sacrifices being made by the elite.”

“We won two World Wars and One World Cup, which means we can achieve anything we want, however ludicrous or unrealistic. All our Brexit unicorns will materialise as long as we keep the Blitz spirit alive by singing ‘two world wars and one world cup’ throughout the negotiations with Brussels.”

The Secretary of State for Making Cockups added: “If we put our minds to it, we will easily replace all our lost EU trade with better, more patriotic trade with smaller economies who aren’t all that interested in trading with us.”

Commenting on the statement by Mr Davis, the Hard Brexiter Jacob Rees Mogg said: “The’re no real evidence for it, but it’s an established political fact that Britain won both wars alone, with no outside assistance whatsoever.”

“We didn’t need allies in 1914-1918 or 1939-1945, and we sure as hell don’t need trading partners now, because over in the United States there are numerous companies licking their lips at the prospect of buying up the NHS and other public services for peanuts, which they will then rightly run for profit instead of for some communist public good.”

“Also, people should remember that the 1966 World Cup Final is the only one that counts, just as the 2016 referendum on leaving the EU is the only vote that counts.”

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Esther McVey only got DWP role because Hitler wasn’t available, say insiders

Esther McVey was only picked to lead the DWP because Adolf Hitler was unavailable, insiders at No. 10 have revealed.

An unnamed source told Newscrasher: “The PM wanted to hire the most evil, sadistic person possible for the role of ruining the lives of the vulnerable and disabled, but unfortunately her first choice was unavailable.”

“Because Adolf Hitler was unavailable, the Prime Minister instead chose Esther McVey, who herself has proven to be very capable at causing mass suffering and misery.”

“Esther rightly believes that people earning less than £100,000 should be forced to use foodbanks just to survive, as a punishment for poor management of their personal finances, which itself is a complex issue with no possible solution, and which is wholly unconnected with Tory policy.”

However, some parliamentarians have slammed Mrs. May for choosing Esther McVey.

Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith ranted: “When it was clear that Adolf Hitler couldn’t take up the post, the Prime Minister should have offered me my old job back, because I have years of experience at ruining the lives of the little people. I even went on a fact finding mission to auschwitz, for fuck’s sake.”

“In fact, I think I should have been at the head of the list, above even Hitler himself.”

 

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Satire writers to sue Tory government for plagiarism

A group of prominent satire writers are to sue the Conservative Government for plagiarism, it has been announced.

A writer from another popular satire website told us: “We are getting a bit fucked off at the way the Tories keep ripping off our satirical stories and turning them into reality. It’s as though they have no actual creativity or originality.”

“When we made a joke about Theresa May becoming a tyranical dictator we thought we were merely extrapolating  current behaviour to the most extreme possible conclusion. We never imagined she would go and actually do it.”

“Of course, it is always possible that we recognised that the Tories are basically just evil cunts who want us all dead.”

A lawyer for another satirical news website, the Southend News Network, said: “In the end that a financial settlement cannot be reached, we are prepared to enter legal proceedings and would accept Larry The Cat in litigation if they are strapped for cash.

Internet conspiracy theorists are even speculating that satire websites like ours are working for the Tories and other far-right groups to ‘test the water’ for various extreme ideas, such as the expansion of Iain Duncan Smith’s plans for a genocide of the poor, sick and disabled through the withdrawal of benefits, and the banning of microbeads in soaps.

Internet user Chris Bumfield said: “Can you please stop giving the Tories ideas about how to make ordinary people suffer even more than they already do.”

“Without your satirical stories, Theresa May probably wouldn’t have been able to come up with something as clever as turning sanctioned job-seekers into lampshades and novelty soaps to be sold in Poundland.”

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A Satirical Take On The News