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Farage blasts ‘Remoaners’ for not being stupid enough to understand case for Brexit

Nigel Farage has launched a tirade against Remainers for not being stupid enough to understand the case for Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking on LBC Radio, the firebrand hate preacher said: “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of having to keep re-stating the case for Brexit, only to find that Remoaners are simply not stupid enough to understand any of it.”

“Not only will we make ourselves richer by becoming a lot poorer, we will also finally become a fascist state, free from the evil centrism and human rights imposed by the EUSSR.”

“To paraphrase George Orwell: Hate is love, poverty is wealth, Brexit is Brexit.”

“One Remoaniac who phoned in for an argument insisted incessantly that 2+2=4, when my calculations made on the back of a cigarette packet have already established, with the help of the right wing press, that 2+2 definitely equals 5.”

“I guess he didn’t get the memo announcing that Britain doesn’t need experts any more. The country is doing just fine with outrageously anti-intellectual liars like Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Theresa May in charge.”

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Jacob Rees Mogg against abortion in any circumstances – except when he gets paid

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Jacob Rees Mogg is against abortion in any circumstances, except when he gets paid, the Tory back-bencher has confirmed.

“My devout Christian values mean I am against any kind of abortion, and I have been very clear and consistent about that. But as Saint Jesus the Christ once said, I can make an exception to my values if it means getting paid quite a lot of money.”

“In this case I see no hypocrisy because the abortions in question are being in Indonesia and are being done illegally, probably by poor people or muslims, so it’s not really very important.”

“I would much prefer that people change the subject and go back to talking about whether my supposedly Christian value are compatible with my support for the cruel austerity policies which push hard-working families into poverty, and which have caused so many early deaths among the disabled, because I find it all so uplifting.”

Asked whether he’d like to see Rees Mogg become Prime Minister, online MoggMentum supporter Chris Bumfield said: “What I really like about Jacob Rees Mogg is that he’s so much more important than us ordinary folk, with his big words and his very substantial personal wealth.”

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Guardian pretends to care but attacks anyone with track record of caring

The Guardian newspaper is pretending to care about the terrible effects of Tory rule, but attacks anyone who has a track record of wanting to help the victims of Tory policies, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the paper said: “We have a long track record of pretending to care about a wide variety of problems, like child poverty or the crumbling National Health service.”

“In an ideal world we would solve all these problems and more by electing a left wing government that is not afraid to tax the rich,  invest in good public services, and strengthen the rights and conditions of workers.”

“However, the people hit hardest by Tory rule will need to have patience and wait just a few more years or decades, until relatively well-off liberals start to feel comfortable with having a marginally left wing government in power again.”

“The Tories are bad and everything, but when someone like Jeremy Corbyn says he wants to improve the NHS and give proper funding to public services, our generally well off readers get scared. Some of them have already been forced to shop at Aldi, for fuck’s sake.”

“So, for the time being Guardian Ltd believes Theresa May is a safer pair of hands than Jeremy Corbyn, who has been extensively smeared by the right wing media, ourselves included.”

Guardian subscriber Chris Bumfield said: “A few years ago I wouldn’t have touched the Guardian with a bargepole, because they were always banging on about bad shit in Africa, environment or child poverty.”

“But I started to warm to the paper when it come out in support of safe politicians who will definitely ignore all the problems currently faced by the least well off in society, such as closet Tories Vince Cable or Tom Watson.”

“And it was thanks to the Guardian’s brave reporting that I learned How fair and balanced Laura Kuenssberg and her relentless campaign of anti-Corbyn smears are.”

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My christian values, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

It has come to my attention that some people on the social medias have been commenting on the hypocrisy of Conservatives like me, who claim to be devoutly christian while voting for policies that hurt the poorest and most vulnerable in society.

When Newscrasher approached me about writing this column, I jumped at the opportunity to set the record straight about my christian values, and why I am deliriously happy about the rise in the use of food banks.

First I would like to reiterate what I have often said in the media. There is no inconsistency whatsoever between being devoutly christian and voting for legislation that ruins the lives of the poor for the benefit of high net worth individuals like myself.

Jesus Christ himself was a Tory, arguing that there should be less provision of healthcare and reductions in the social welfare programmes in the Roman province of Judea. And that is precisely why the hard left Roman administration of the day arrested and crucified Jesus.

Thanks to scholars such as Iain Duncan Smith BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate), it is now well established that God approves of all Conservative policies, especially our completely unnecessary imposition of austerity and the hounding of the sick and disabled to an an early grave. Therefore, I am proud to sit in Parliament alongside many other rabid right wingers doing the Lord’s work, sometimes also sleeping.

The bible clearly states that taxes are the work of the Devil. Indeed, it was Satan himself who proposed the first system of progressive taxation as a hateful punishment for high net worth christians who had amassed entirely legitimate wealth off the back of the work of others.

Consequently, I fail to see why someone like me, who had the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, should be penalised by way of taxation on the large sums I earn from my many talents, when so many of my fellow Britons made the poor lifestyle choice of being born into a family that is not rich. Why should they have free healthcare and financial safety nets if they are too lazy to be rich?

In conclusion, there is absolutely no incongruence in claiming to be christian while actively plunging people into poverty, starvation, and in some cases an early grave.

I trust that by penning this satirical column I have explained myself to everybody’s satisfaction, and I hope we can all now move on and go back to talking about how wonderful food banks are, or how Jeremy Corbyn’s very moderate plans to bring back proper NHS and welfare funding are akin to North Korea.

This was a satirical story not written by Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg, the moron’s favourite to replace Theresa May as Prime Minister.

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Five areas in England to pilot exclusion of young and poor voters

Voters in five areas in England will be asked to take identification to polling stations at local elections next year as part of a pilot scheme to preferentially exclude demographic groups who are unlikely to vote Conservative.

People in Woking, Gosport, Bromley, Watford and Slough will be asked to take different forms of ID with them to see which does the best job of excluding the young and the poor.

The Electoral Commission recommended three years ago that voters be asked to prove their identity after Conservatives expressed growing fears about losing power.

Minister Chris Skidmark said the aim was to ensure the system was “secure from people with socialist ideals”.

Reports of “personation” in polling stations – votes cast in someone else’s name – increased from 21 in 2014 to 44 in 2016, and are a convenient excuse to crack down on voters who would never dream of ever voting Tory.

Mr Skidmark said the current situation meant it was harder to take out a library book or collect a parcel than it was to get the young, poor or disabled to vote for a Conservative candidate.

He told the Newscrasher: “We currently have a situation where people can go into the ballot station, point out their name on the register, don’t need to provide any information to prove that they intend to vote Conservative.”

He said it was corrosive to democracy if people did not believe  Conservative, Pro-Brexit rule was secure from sabotage from anti-British socialists.

“At the moment we simply don’t know if people are impersonating one another or not. We just need to make sure that the system is secure enough.”

For some years, voters in Northern Ireland have had to prove their identity at polling stations.

But Tom Brake, for the Liberal Democrats, described the latest proposals as “a completely unnecessary move that risks undermining our democracy by preventing millions of people from voting”.

“My party royally shafted the young during its time in coalition with David Cameron, but we’re now asking people to trust us once more because the days of Libdems betraying their voters to get ministerial positions are well and truly behind us.”

“Evidence from around the world tells us forcing voters to bring ID won’t stop determined fraudsters, but is likely to led to even lower turnouts amongst young people and minority groups.”

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Tories hail berry export boom as Leave voters sign up for cherry-picking in record numbers

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

The Government has announced an unexpected boom in the export of berries from British farms, thanks to record numbers of Leave voters signing up for cherry-picking jobs.

David Davis said: “The Brexit debate revealed that Britain has a vast untapped reservoir of expertise in the area of cherry-picking, with around 52 per cent of adults rejecting all facts that are inconsistent with their prejudices about foreigners and the European Union.”

“After discovering their cherry-picking abilities many Leave voters have now signed up for jobs on cherry farms, and this is causing a boom in the export of cherries and cherry-flavoured jams.”

The announcement comes after Government figures revealed an export boom in circular reasoning.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton said: “At long last something positive has come out of Brexit, and we no longer have to resort to lies and fake news.”

“But I for one will still definitely keep reading fake news published by the Daily Mail or the Sun, because that’s the only way for me to maintain my faith that Brexit is making the country a better place for older, bigoted people like me.”

 

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Cyclists are dangerous say people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people a year

Cyclists are a menace, according to people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people each year, it has been reported.

Middle aged motorist Chris Bumfield said: “Nearly 2000 people were killed in road accidents involving motor vehicles last year, but I definitely think cyclists are way more dangerous than car drivers because of one recent high profile case where a cyclist accidentally collided with a pedestrian.”

“The right wing media were absolutely right to use a tragic accident like this to stir up animosity towards cyclists, because Sun-reading bigots like me enjoy having these feelings of hatred towards minority groups, and some people prefer to channel their hatred onto scapegoats that aren’t racial.”

“All cyclists should definitely be banned and forced to pay road tax, especially those who slow me down when I’m late for work, or when I just want to drive and text at the same.”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher said: “Our fake news paper has always campaigned in favour of right wing prejudices, and we are pleased to announce the start of a new anti-cycling campaign in the Sun.”

“I can reveal tomorrow’s front page will feature an exclusive story blaming cyclists for every type of cancer and linking them with increased rates of cardiovascular disease in middle aged drivers who hate cyclists.”

“By discouraging the public from using this inexpensive, healthy mode of transport, we aim to convert people of all ages into fat, middle-aged motorists who hate everyone except other fat, middle aged motorists.”

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Britain to become leading exporter of circular reasoning, boasts David Davis

By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith

Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.

Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”

“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”

“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”

“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”

 

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New ‘Hitlrr’ dating app will let nazis to swipe right or far-right

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

A new dating app for Nazis will allow users to swipe right or far-right, it has been announced.

A press release issued by far-right tech startup Xenotech said: “Nazis are spectacularly unsuccessful with women, not because they are racist thugs who fantasize about creating a white ethno-state , but because of a left wing bias which causes women to swipe left when they see photos of Aryan supermen.”

“Xenotech is pleased to announce creation of our ‘Hitrr’ app, an innovative safe space for Nazis who want to meet a partner with similarly bigoted views, while avoiding the embarrassment of accidentally going on a date with somebody who thinks socialised healthcare is a good idea.”

“It is important for white supremacists can exercise their freedom of speech and rights to meet other members of the master race, without being triggered by left wing snowflakes.”

“The Hitlrr app will allow users to swipe right when a potential match is not considered attractive, or far-right when presented with an promising candidate to help him or her rebuild the master-race.”

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Referendum was actually about implementing fascism, claims Brexiter

The EU referendum was actually about whether Britain should become a fascist state, a Brexiter has claimed.

Leave voter Christopher Bumfield said: “Even though it was never mentioned during the campaign, everybody knew that the referendum was about whether we should turn the country into a fascist state. Things like the NHS or leaving the EUSSR were quite obviously just secondary concerns.”

“I’ve researched it and found that fascism is the only way to fix all my imagined problems, including the need to take back the sovereignty that we already had, the need to control immigration which the government can already do if it wants, and the extremely urgent need to buy bananas of the correct, patriotic British shape.”

“We need strong leadership from an authoritarian leader who has scant regard for human rights, let alone the NHS or the levels of child poverty. A great British female Hitler like Theresa May is the only way we will crush the saboteurs and the enemies of the people.”

“Democracy means that after a non-binding referendum in which the Leave side lies their tits off, the people can never be allowed to change their minds.”

“The Remoaners lost and we won, although I do not yet know what we won.”

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