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US lifts anthrax ban because it’s not anthrax that kills, it’s the person mailing it who does

The United States Congress has voted to lift the ban on possession of anthrax, which is also known as the bacterium Bacillus Anthracis, it has been confirmed today.

Speaking on Fox News, House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Anthrax doesn’t kill, the person who mails it does. And that is why we have voted to lift the unconstitutional ban on Anthrax, safeguarding American liberty so that ordinary citizens can once again take their own decisions about how they choose to defend their homes and schools using this deadly bacterium.”

“By arming every citizen with anthrax, including teachers and homeless war veterans, communities all across America will become so much safer, because all future anthrax attacks will be prevented by the presence of a good guy with anthrax.”

“The large donations many congressmen have recieved from the National Anthrax Association have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, just like donations from the NRA have nothing to do with our lack of interest in enacting any kind of gun control.”

President Trump openly supported the lifting of the ban, publishing a tweet in support of the move: “Nothing is more American than being able to choose how to end another person’s life using a deadly weapon or bacterium.”

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Senior Tories pledge to lead first wave of British troops in new Russia war

Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.

Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”

“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”

“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”

“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”

“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”

“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”

A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not  understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”

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Corbyn image wasn’t photoshopped, it was done in MS Paint, claims BBC

Faked imagery of Jeremy Corbyn was done in MS Paint and not Photoshop, the BBC has claimed.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has a moral and legal obligation to hold the opposition to account, and to defend the elected patriotic government from left-wing attempts to seize power via the ballot box.”

“We have been accused of using Photoshop to create a fake image of Jeremy Corbyn wearing a Bolshevic hat in front of the Kremlin, to create a visual lie suggesting that he is a traitor and a Russian stooge.”

“However, the accusation against us is completely untrue. In actual fact, we used MS Paint to make the fake image, not Photoshop as a number of anti-British traitors have suggested.”

Kuenssberg added: “Because the accusation of photoshopping is untrue, Jeremy Corbyn should now immediately resign and let the Blairites take Labour back to the good old days of waving through Tory austerity.”

“Even if we had used Photoshop instead of MS Paint, Jeremy Corbyn should still have to resign because of his dangerous humanist ideals, such as making the super rich pay tax and making sure the little people get decent healthcare and public services.”

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War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, says Theresa May

War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”

“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”

“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”

“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”

Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.

A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.

One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”

“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”

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Tory anger over ‘humanist plants’ in Question Time audience

Tories have expressed anger over alleged ‘humanist plants’ in the audience of BBC Question Time, it has been learned.

Conservative councilor Chris Bumfield said: “Many of us have noticed the increasingly sinister presence of normal, humanist people in the audience of Question Time.”

“The people have clearly spoken, and they want the country to be ruled by a gang of sociopaths who are intent on stripping the people of their dignity, their food, and eventually their lives.”

“Something must be done about this, and that is why I will be sneaking into the Question Time audience next week by pretending to be an ordinary member of the public. I urge other small-time Conservative councilors to do the same.”

“I have yet to decide what I’ll ask, but it’ll probably be something about Corbyn being unelectable and how my party is giving more money to the public services than ever before.”

“That’s precisely the kind of bullshit like that should keep the most gullible, Tory-voting members of society in their rightful place at the bottom.”

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Tory council to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless

By Dorothy Hotdog
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.

Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”

“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”

“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”

Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”

The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.

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Suffragettes to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, says Theresa May

The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.

“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”

“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was  always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”

“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”

“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”

“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”

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Tories launch new ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign to attract young social media users

The Conservatives have launched a new social media campaign with the intention of attracting young people who use social media, it has been reported.

A spokesman for the ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign said: “Young people often display shockingly high levels of compassion towards others, including foreigners and the disabled, due to a social media bubble that gives them a worryingly broader and more truthful picture of politics and world events.”

“If the Conservative Party is to survive, Britain’s decline into humanism and civilised behaviour must be urgently reversed. And that is why today, we are proud to launch our ‘Hate not Hope’ social media campaign.”

“We have literally hundreds of engaging tweets and memes ready and waiting to infect the minds of the young, to turn them into raving Tory bastards.”

“Our first tweet will give a list of ten reasons why it’s cool to hate foreigners and the disabled.”

“And if that one doesn’t work, our seven reasons why socialists are hypocrites if they own their own home surely will.”

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Youngsters not mature enough to understand the benefits of fascism, says Theresa May

People between the ages of 16 and 18 simply do not have the maturity to understand the true benefits of having a fascist government, Theresa May has explained.

Speaking during her visit to China, the Prime Minister said: “The recent suggestion to allow 16 and 17 year olds to vote in national elections and referenda is misguided, and does not take into account the fact that young people are too immature to understand the benefits of fascism.”

“They are also not mature enough to uncritically accept right wing propaganda from low quality newspapers like the Sun, instead turning to social media to find out what’s really going on in the world. I wish they would see the light and just let hatred of others determine the way they vote.”

“The very fact that young people are more likely to support Jeremy Corbyn, and their preference for unaffordable things like properly funded public services just shows how unrealistic they are.”

“Young people need to understand that the future does not belong to them, it belongs to me and I shall ruin the future exactly how I please, especially if it benefits older or wealthier people who support my Party.”

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‘Fake news’ was never a problem back when only we did it, say Tories

So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”

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A Satirical Take On The News