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Why I bully left wing and pro-EU panelists on Question Time, by David Dumbleby

By the BBC’s David Dumbleby

Over the past few months, there have been numerous complaints about the very clear right-wing, pro-Brexit bias that I inject into the BBC’s flagship political debate programme Question Time. It is now time for me to answer my anti-Britain accusers who are antisemitic Trotskyites and who are treasonously trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.

People have asked me why our studio audience always seems to be packed full of right wingers and Brexit supporters. The answer lies in the fact that the BBC is obliged to ensure a balance between the different parties and views that prevail in the country. The government are widely hated by the public and are deliberately crashing the economy for their own personal advancement, and the BBC has a legal duty to strongly over-emphasize the other side of the debate by inviting hard right or bigoted panelists, and by inviting UKIP and EDL supporters to join the audience.

In addition, I am careful to allow right wingers and bigots to speak uninterrupted, while always interrupting and bullying left winger and those who are interested in improving the lives of ordinary people.

Although Question Time is currently highly biased, over time this bias will be transmitted to the general population and become ‘normal’, so that eventually most of the public will be far-right, neo-liberal fanatics who hate the very idea of the welfare state and socialised healthcare almost as much as they hate foreigners and the poor.

My hope is that in the long term, the ordinary people never actually wake up to the fact that the rich ruling elite are responsible for their fall in living standards, instead of the foreigners and people on benefits that the right currently tell them to blame.

But the challenge for the coming decades of rule by our glorious dictator Theresa May will be to find new scapegoats to wrongly blame once the foreigners have all been deported, and once the poor and sick are all dead.

Hubble discovery paves way for post-Brexit intergalactic free trade, says Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Liam Fox has welcomed the recent discovery by the Hubble Space Telescope of at least 2 trillion galaxies in the Universe, ten times as many as were previously thought to exist.

“It boggles the mind that over 90 percent of the galaxies in the universe have yet to be studied. Who knows what interesting properties we will find when we discover these galaxies with future generations of telescopes?” said Christoper Conselice from the University of Nottingham.

Disgraced former minister of defence Liam Fox hailed the breakthrough as a boon for hard Brexit: “This will hopefully show the doubters to Brexit that there isn’t just a whole world out there but a whole universe, so Britain doesn’t actually need the EU.”

“I predict that by next March we will have contacted at least 90 percent of the governments of all the planets in all the galaxies in the Universe, and will have negotiated an intergalactic free trade area spanning many cubic Gigaparsecs in size.”

“Of course, if the European Union wants to join it’ll have to pay us or face our massive space wonder weapons, which of course we have kept secret up until now. It’s all very exciting.”

Mr. Fox, who is known to be a complete twat, also praised the massive contribution that British science has made to discovering the Universe. “Once again this shows us to be better than everyone else, and now we get to name everything that’s out there in space. Because of this, the government will be introducing the Universe Named After Margaret Thatcher Bill in the next Queen’s speech. I can’t wait to stargaze at the constellation Murdoch.”

Building a massive ship will definitely solve all our Brexit problems, a tw*t has suggested

Building a big ship for the Queen will definitely solve the large number of massive problems facing Brexit Britain, a twat has announced.

Government twat Boris Johnson said: “The British economy is in the shit due to circumstances that are totally unrelated to Britain’s historic vote to leave the EU, and the best way to solve all the problems in Brexit Britain is to build a humongous ship for the Queen.”

“The new Royal Yacht will sail from country to country carrying officials who will beg foreign governments to do trade deals with the UK on terms that are extremely generous to us.”

“Although basically all our neighbours and trading partners have told us to just f*** off until we’re properly out of the EU, we think having a big and expensive ship will definitely make them change their mind.”

The Foreign Secretary added: “I won’t be a gunboat or anything too spiffing, but we still hope the presence of a large ship will persuade Johnny Foreigner to be kind to us and give us loads of free money and stuff, despite the British government and half the voters having basically declared war on all foreign people everywhere.”

 

BBC to stop covering Brexit because it’s been a ‘great success and now the matter is closed’

The BBC will no longer cover anything related to Brexit because it has been a great success and the matter is now closed, it has been announced.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There is no truth at all in claims that Theresa May’s government has pressured us to hide the appalling negative impact of Brexit from our viewers.”

“The BBC has full editorial independence, which is why we’ve consistently toed the official Conservative Government’s line, giving David Cameron and now Theresa May an easy ride, and at the same time attacking Labour at every opportunity to give the Tories as much of an advantage as possible.”

“It is true, however, that the BBC has a duty to serve the public interest, and the best way to do this is to help the Tories implement cruel and insane policies that will ruin the lives of millions of people, including children.”

Brexit voter Chris Bumfield said: “Our ideological quest to leave an imaginary evil European empire is going splendidly, with no evidence having emerged to suggest that we are not hugely better off than before.”

“The other day somebody who knows things told me Brexit is going badly and that there’s something called ‘currency’ and it’s having a crisis right now.”

“But I put him straight: there is no currency crisis. In fact, every other currency around the world is suffering from hyperinflation due to Britain becoming so much more competitive and wealthy after our historic vote to leave the EU.”

Mr Bumfield added: “And if there are any negative effects from Brexit, which there definitely aren’t, they would be all the fault of the ‘Remoaners’ who keep talking the country down.”

“These Remoaners need to be quiet and help make Brexit a success, because this is a fascist state now and no dissent can be allowed.”

Brexit vote clearly means I can rule as a tyrannical dictator

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The marginal vote to leave the European Union clearly gives Theresa May a mandate to become a tyrannical dictator, it has been decided.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “The referendum vote to leave the European Union made it quite clear that the people want to take back our sovereignty from Brussels, only for me to suspend our system of representative democracy and rule as a tyrannical dictator.”

“The British people spoke to me personally in this referendum, and have given me a mandate to do whatever I want, as long as it involves leaving the EU and being really nasty to foreigners.”

The dictator added: “This is what gives me a unique advantage to rule this country.”

Following up with a pre-approved question, Mrs. Kuennsberg asked: “Your imperial excellency, what do you say to the naysayers, traitors and Trotskyites who have caused all the problems in Brexit Britain by refused to stop criticising you and your government at this very sensitive time?”

The Prime Minister responded: “Some people, including most of Parliament, have complained about the way I am pushing ahead with hard Brexit against the wishes of basically everyone.”

“The dual questions of EU membership and who rules the country are now settled for all time, and ‘remoaners’ like Anna Soubry and Ed Miliband should just get over the fact that they lost and I won.”

“By trying to talk and vote about Brexit in Parliament, they are attempting to defy the sacred will of the British people, and as such are trying to overthrow democracy using thoughcrime.”

Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, claims Liam Fox

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, government minister Liam Fox has claimed.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, the Secretary of State for International Trade said: “The government welcomes warnings by the CBI that food bills will rise.”

“Britons are fat and lazy, so an increase in the cost of food should result in significant weight loss as people who don’t vote Conservative are forced to tighten their belt, literally, we hope. Britain will then be merely lazy”

“Regrettably, food bank use and starvation will dramatically rise, and some vulnerable people may end up dead as a result.”

“But every cloud has a silver lining. Finally we will be able to point to a tangible benefit of leaving the European Union.”

British government welcomes pound falling to record low

By Dorothy Hotdog

The British Pound has fallen to a historic low against the basket of major currencies which it is rated against.

Although many would consider a currency crisis to be something bad, Conservative minister Mark Ganier has welcomed the fall in the Pound: “Clearly it’s [the falling pound] to do with the [Brexit] vote, but actually it’s not an unwelcome reaction. Sterling is probably about where it should be. We’ve turned the economy to complete shit, even if voters don’t feel it yet, and this is just reflected in the financial markets.”

“We’re just going through a relatively short period of volatility, and when other countries realise how attractive the UK will be with racist employment laws, shrinking GDP, de-industrialisation, high inflation, a massive trade deficit, and general xenophobia I am confident the pound will rise again.”

Finally, let me reassure British voters that this doesn’t mean, of course, that the Pound here in Britain, in your pocket, purse or begging bowl has been devalued. And for those of you looking at retiring abroad, it still goes a long way in South Sudan.

UKIP to use ‘trial by combat’ to choose next leader

UKIP will select its new leader using ‘trial by combat’, the party has announced.

A spokesperson for the party said: “Because we are a bunch of knuckle-dragging thugs, our internal discussions sometimes turn violent.”

“Clearly, we need a leader who is not only strong, but who also is able to beat his political opponents to a pulp with his or her bare hands.”

He added: “For this reason, our next leader will be selected using ‘trial by combat’, as seen on TV’s Game of Thrones, because barbaric fantasy violence like this is the perfect way to settle political disputes among hard-right nationalists.”

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “During the EU referendum campaign I suggested that political violence is acceptable, so I now welcome the introduction of trial by combat to the UKIP leadership contest.”

The millionaire former stockbroker who claims to speak for the man in the street added: “I came here to swill beer and beat up my opponents, and now I’m all out of beer.”

British singles to be banned from dating foreigners online

The government intends to ban British people from dating foreigners online, it has been revealed.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Theresa May lamented: “For far too long, young British people have been free to have friends or date people of different nationalities, much to the anger of middle aged readers of the Daily Mail and Express newspapers.”

“The people have spoken, and it is now essential that we crack down on international friendships and relationships, because they often result in worrying increases in the tolerance and understanding of other races and cultures.”

“Today, I have the pleasure to announce the creation of the Ministry for National Purity, the main duty of which will be to oversee the online dating scene to ensure young British singles are no longer able to fall in love with foreigners.”

“We will introduce legislation that will compel online dating websites to introduce algorithms that prevent British users from dating foreigners. In addition, sites like Plenty of Fish will be encouraged to give preference to Brexit voters when finding potential matches for their users.”

Mrs. May added: “I’m already spying on everyone’s social media activity, but now it’s time for me to take control of your love lives.”

 

 

Racism much more important than prosperity, Theresa May announces

Being a racist country is much more important than prosperity and tolerance, the Prime Minister has decided.

Speaking to a fawning Andrew Marr who failed to ask any difficult questions, Theresa May said: “Although having a strong economy with high levels of employment and prosperity is important, I firmly believe that those things must be sacrificed at the altar of fascism so that we may turn the United Kingdom into a fully fledged racist country.”

“And that is why I am taking the country out of the European Union against the wishes and best interests of the majority of the people.”

In an audibly wavering voice, the Prime Minister continued: “Foreigners who walk among us will need to identify themselves using special badges, so that racists can more readily zero in and express their genuine concerns over immigration using abusive language.”

Speaking directly to Mr. Marr, the dictator added: “This brings us to the end of my list of approved questions, and thanks for not asking me about my secret meeting with my boss, Rupert Murdoch. Your OBE is in the post.”

To which the presenter replied: “Double plus good, your Britannic excellency. Let us stick together to keep the plebs in poverty.”

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