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Second class rail carriages to be replaced by first class

The British government has announced today that second class rail carriages are to be completely phased out by 2017, and will be replaced with first class carriages on all rail services.

A spokesman explained that the policy is intended to provide greater value for money for shareholders, while also improving customer satisfaction for high earners. However, ordinary commuters are expected to face huge fare rises when the new first class only services come into service.

The spokesman added: “Travelers earning more than £100,000 a year have consistently shown overwhelming support for a reduction in second class carriages, and shareholders have also asked for competitive profit growth. This new measure represents the best of both worlds, and will for the first time give Britain a truly first class rail system.”

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Westminster Council to force homeless to wear advertising boards

Westminster Council has announced the introduction of a new scheme that will see the homeless forced pay for their sleeping bag pitches by wearing advertising boards.
The council says the policy, called “Extracting Human Value From Public Space” is being rolled out to address concerns that the homeless provide unfair competition with street traders, who pay the council tens of thousands of pounds a year.
A spokesman for the council said: “This innovative scheme is another world first, continuing the good record of public service our councilors established since 1986.” He added: “We’re calling time on the free lunch for the homeless in Westminster”
The advertising is to be provided by Westminster Council’s commercial partners, which include Capita and McKinsey.
The government is understood to be enthusiastic about this scheme, and has asked civil servants to look at having it rolled out to the entire country.
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Even Our Lord Jesus Christ didn’t suffer this kind of persecution, says Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has today lashed out at critics of his treatment of the disabled, the ill, the unemployed, and those who are in receipt of in work benefits.

The Conservative MP for Chingford and Woodford Green said: “Look, I went to look round Auschwitz in 2009 so I know about suffering, not to mention what human beings can be made to do when demonized, brutalized and starved, in a cold bureaucratic place of death.

“Little did I know that in 2010, only a year later, I would take charge of the DWP, reshaping it into a cold bureaucratic place of death. Nor did I imagine that I would soon have the opportunity to plunge children, the sick and disabled into poverty, or to force people to work as virtual slaves at Poundland, for the benefit of the wealthiest.”

The minister continued: “The way I’m being persecuted by the disabled, the unemployed and those who have died immediately after being declared fit for work is hurtful and completely unjustified. Even the persecution inflicted upon our dear Lord Jesus Christ pales in comparison to what I’ve been subjected to; I’m just trying to get on and do my job.”

Some might say Iain Duncan Smith learnt the wrong lessons from his tour of Auschwitz. The full text of his report on his visit, as part of the Lessons From Auschwitz project, can be found here.

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I’m even more socialist than Bernie, says Clinton

Democratic Party hopeful Hillary Clinton has today shocked the country by parading her left-wing credentials. At a packed news conference, Hillary raised the stakes in her battle with social democrat Bernie Sanders by claiming to be “even more socialist than Bernie.”

Mrs Clinton said: “Thanks to my superior wealth creation ability, I’ve paid way more in taxes than Bernie, despite being a lot younger and not having the benefit of white privilege. And all those taxes have gone to help pay for things like medicare and other public services Bill and I are way too rich to use.”

“The vast personal wealth I’ve amassed during my career in politics is merely resting in my account; just as soon as I’m elected president of the United States, this money will be donated to a variety of charities and causes to improve the lives of the poorest and most vulnerable in our horribly unequal society. That’s 32,015,000 reasons to choose me as the Democratic Party’s presidential candidate.”

The announcement was greeted with some skepticism. There have even been suggestions that this is a cynical, last-ditch attempt to steal support from Bernie Sanders, after he overtook Clinton in the polls this week.

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School pupils must pay their way, says Nicky Morgan

The secretary of state for education, Nicky Morgan, has today unveiled plans for children to pay their way through school. Factories are to be built on school playing fields, in which pupils would work to pay for their tuition.

Mrs Morgan said: “Our radical proposals are based on what voters up and down the country told us they wanted at the recent general election, and we are proud to bring British state education into the twelfth century. Families will have more choice in the education system than ever, and pupils will now be able to obtain significant vocation training to boost their career opportunities.”

A spokesperson for Mrs Morgan added: “Children will be able to choose from a variety of exciting and rewarding roles, from iPad assembly line operatives, to factory canteen staff, to telephone sanitizers, setting them in good stead for a lifetime of indentured labour for their wealthy overlords.”

It is understood that families will have the option to pay a £10,000 annual tuition fee if they choose full time education for their child, with the option to undergo work experience as a member of the board of directors.

 

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Jeremy Hunt to impose contract on nurses to make them wear skimpy Ultimo underwear

Fresh from his unilateral imposition of the new contract for doctors, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt tonight announced he is to impose a new contract on nurses, as part of his National Health Service reform program.

All nurses will be fired and rehired under the new contract, which will see nurses work a 80 hour week, and will require all female nurses under the age of 40 and below size 16 to wear nothing except skimpy underwear.

Mr Hunt explained: “Our national health service is no longer fit for purpose, due to a sustained campaign to degrade it in preparation for my planned privatization. Now the doctor problem has been dealt with, the time is right to overstretch and demoralize the nursing staff, leading to a significant degradation in the quality of care,  which our government may then use to justify privatization.”

His spokesman added: “Although we favour Ultimo, it’s vital the government encourages competition in the lingerie business, so needless to say nurses may wear other brands too subject to permission from Jeremy.”

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Priti Patel backs death penalty for murderers earning less than £100,000 a year

Conservative member of parliament Priti Patel has today backed the death penalty for murderers earning less than £100,000 a year.

The MP for Witham, who has in the past professed admiration for Ayn Rand, told reporters: “Murder should never be an alternative to an honest day’s work, which is why I’m strongly in favour of a reintroduction of the death penalty for low-earners.”

“A £100,000 earnings cut-off would ensure the most important members of society are not executed, and would also provide a deterrent for the poor and workshy who would rather be housed in jail to save money.”

A spokesperson for the government, responding to our request for comment, told us: “Although this is not official policy, the government welcomes her contribution to the debate on how to get people off benefits.”

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Remove benefit claimants from electoral register, demands Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly demanded that those in receipt of benefits be removed from the electoral register, according to a letter leaked to the press today.

The Work and Pensions Secretary justified his request by arguing that it is unfair that people not currently paying into the system, either through working or by being high net wealth individuals, should be allowed to have a say in how public money is spent.

His letter to the Prime Minister went on to suggest that withdrawing the right to vote in this way, would provide a “much needed incentive for the workshy, ill and disabled to find work”, and for those in work to stay “in work and off benefits”. The letter also questioned whether those under the age of 25, who tend to be “more prone to idealism”, ought to be permitted to vote, albeit with a possible exception “for members of the Young Conservatives.”

There is speculation in Westminster that the timing of this letter is related to the upcoming referendum on whether the UK should leave the EU, and a possible snap general election that some are predicting to take place thereafter. In this context, barring  voters who are the least likely to vote for ‘Brexit’ or for the Conservative Party, may be seen by some as a useful measure.

A DWP spokeswoman refused to comment directly on the leaked letter, but told reporters: “Iain Duncan Smith believes that in a perfect world everybody would be able to enjoy a full suite of human rights, but with rights come responsibilities, and some rights should only be granted to those who have paid-in.”

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Astrology now works after ninth planet discovered, says NASA

Astrology really does work, but only if the ninth planet is taken into account, NASA revealed today.

With the recent discovery of Planet Nine, NASA scientists quickly realized the reason astrology didn’t work properly was because the planet was not being taken into consideration. But after they had been carefully reformulated to include the ninth planet, the team of scientists discovered that astrological horoscopes were able to accurately predict the minutiae of their daily lives.

Lead scientist of NASA’s astrology project, Dr. Hans Zarkov, told journalists: “The revelation concerning the now proven reality of astrology has opened up exciting new frontiers in science, and here at NASA we stand proud at the forefront of research efforts to go beyond solar system astrology; we are currently developing an extra-galactic astrological system that may revolutionize our understanding of the Universe and its origins, as well as provide fresh perspectives on mankind’s race to harness the power of celestial bodies like stars and black holes, to meet Earth’s energy needs.”

Nicknamed ‘Planet Nine’ by researchers, the planet weighs roughly 10 times more than Earth and orbits approximately 20 times farther from the Sun than Neptune does.

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NHS a risk to national security, says David Cameron

Prime minister David Cameron today called on Labour’s ‘moderates’  to help the government combat terrorism by dismantling the national health service.

Citing concerns over reports that people who are out of work, disabled, or opposed to the UK’s intervention in Syria may be obtaining treatment on the NHS, the prime minister and Hilary Benn today gave impassioned speeches about Britishness and war.

A spokesman for the prime minister said: “The NHS is supported by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and as such endangers national security. In order to keep hard working  Britons safe from terrorism, the NHS urgently needs to be dismantled and sold off to David’s mates in the private health industry, who can then provide healthcare to those who are willing to work hard to pay into an exorbitant healthcare plan.”

Laura Kuenssberg, the Political Editor of Conservative News, tweeted: “Corbyn looking weak on security and out of touch on NHS dismantling.”

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