By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

After intense campaigning by politicians from across the political spectrum, Britain has voted to set itself on fire.

However, some people are now saying they don’t actually want to set themselves on fire. David Plum of Taunton is one of the ‘On Fire’ voters now having buyer’s remorse. He told Newscrasher: “I voted to set the entire country alight but never thought we’d actually have to go through with it.”

“I interpreted this as a referendum on something totally different to the actual question, because I wanted to cast a protest vote against people from Poland coming over here and contributing to our economy.”

Another ‘On Fire’ voter said: “My doctor told me that setting yourself on fire actually hurts and kills you, but Michael Gove told us not to listen to experts or people who know about things.”

Others who voted ‘Not On Fire’ are now strongly objecting to the prospect of being made to set themselves on fire, with some saying it was a stupid idea to put this kind of question to a mostly bigoted and ignorant populace in the first place.

Chief architect of the referendum Nigel Farage has revealed he was inspired by the 1997 prodigy song Firestarter, the video for which won the NME award for Best Music Video.

Conservative court jester Boris Johnson is nowhere to be seen, but friends say he was never serious about self incineration and is now urgently looking for a bucket.

Breaking News: The government has today announced that there will be a second referendum on Britain’s European Union membership, which will ask the question: ‘Are you totally fucking insane?’

Unnamed government sources say the change of question was made necessary by the fact that roughly half the electorate are total morons and are at risk of voting to set the country on fire a second time.

Speaking from a pub in Thanet, Nigel Farage said: “A minority of the people voted for Brexit, and we should respect their democratic decision.”

“How the fuck are we supposed to conjure up a new set of lies to tell the electorate, when we’ve just admitted that 100 per cent of our previous campaign was a lie?”

Labour’s Ben Bradshaw has called for the overthrow of Jeremy Corbyn, and for his replacement by leader who is right-wing and racist, it has emerged.

The Blairite MP for Exeter told Newscrasher: “The result of the Brexit referendum and the recent surge in far-right activity highlights how out of touch Jeremy is with the public mood right now.”

“If our nasty little coup against Jeremy works, it will be absolutely crucial that he gets replaced by somebody who is right-wing and racist enough to capture the votes of Britain First sympathisers and those who blame foreigners for all their woes.”

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair added: “The party would do well to choose a leader with a strong aptitude for taking the country into al illegal war based on lies, resulting in the deaths and suffering of millions of innocent people across the Middle East.”

“But you know, at the end of the day I’d consider supporting any leadership candidate who wouldn’t send me to the Hague to answer for my alleged war crimes.”

England must now leave the Euro 2016 football tournament as a result of the Brexit referendum result, UEFA officials have just confirmed.

In future, England will instead participate in a ‘home nations’ tournament together with Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, as proposed by Michael Gove during the referendum campaign.

Mr Gove said: “Our promise to take our national sport back from faceless bureaucrats at UEFA was central to our referendum campaigning, and is among the few pledges we made that were not total lies.”

Nigel Farage added: “Our children and grandchildren will thank us for winning freedom for English football, all without a single shot being fired.”

“Well, except for the shots that killed Labour MP Jo Cox, but I’d rather just go on pretending that violent Euroskeptic fascists are in no way connected to or motivated by my sinister neo-fascist propaganda.”

A spokesman for UEFA told Newscrasher: “The Leave campaign was very clear that a vote for Brexit means England should immediately terminate its membership of UEFA. As such, England will not play any further matches in Euro 2016, and the players are already on their way home.”

“However, Monday’s match will still go ahead but without England, primarily to avoid having to refund fans who have already bought tickets.”

“In what should prove to be a very exciting game, Iceland will kick the ball into England’s open goal for a full 90 minutes, in what is likely to be England’s worst defeat of all time.”

Morons from around the United Kingdom have today expressed shock and anger after discovering that narrow-minded nationalism is no substitute for actually having a decent economy.

Chris Bryant from Berkshire said: “As a raving xenophobe, I was easily seduced by the neo-fascist oration of Nigel Farage MEP, and subsequently voted to Leave the EU.”

“However, the very next morning I saw the news about our crashing economy and began worry. I went on Google and searched for ‘what is the EU’ and was surprised to learn the EU is not actually a Nazi reich that wants to kill us all, contrary to claims by many prominent Leave campaigners.”

“I now firmly believe that had I not been a gullible, xenophobic moron for the duration of the Brexit referendum campain, I might have voted Remain instead.”

Speaking to Newscrasher, Boris Johnson said: “At the Leave campaign we basically just lied to the public to trick them into voting for Brexit.”

“But now the vote is over and people are expecting to see things like the disappearance of all Poles, or an extra 350 million a week going into the NHS, it’s now politically expedient for me to admit I am in fact a lying twat, and none of my promises will ever come true.”

Chancellor George Osborne has today unveiled plans to make further cuts in the quality of life and life expectancy of ordinary Britons, which he claims is ‘clearly mandated’ by the EU referendum result.

The former towel folder said: “Being an evil bastard, I’m always looking for new and inventive excuses to justify robbing from the feckless poor to give to the hard working rich.”

“Today’s referendum result is a clear signal that the people of the United Kingdom support my cruel austerity policies and want more of the same, as quickly as possible.”

“And that is why I’m pleased to announce the immediate introduction of a programme of new cuts to life expectancy of the poorest and most vulnerable.”

However, former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith said: “As champion of the little people, I oppose the Chancellor’s renewed crackdown on the poor and vulnerable.”

“Only I should be allowed to bully and starve people to death for the  benefit of those earning £100,000 or more.”