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Astrology now works after ninth planet discovered, says NASA

Astrology really does work, but only if the ninth planet is taken into account, NASA revealed today.

With the recent discovery of Planet Nine, NASA scientists quickly realized the reason astrology didn’t work properly was because the planet was not being taken into consideration. But after they had been carefully reformulated to include the ninth planet, the team of scientists discovered that astrological horoscopes were able to accurately predict the minutiae of their daily lives.

Lead scientist of NASA’s astrology project, Dr. Hans Zarkov, told journalists: “The revelation concerning the now proven reality of astrology has opened up exciting new frontiers in science, and here at NASA we stand proud at the forefront of research efforts to go beyond solar system astrology; we are currently developing an extra-galactic astrological system that may revolutionize our understanding of the Universe and its origins, as well as provide fresh perspectives on mankind’s race to harness the power of celestial bodies like stars and black holes, to meet Earth’s energy needs.”

Nicknamed ‘Planet Nine’ by researchers, the planet weighs roughly 10 times more than Earth and orbits approximately 20 times farther from the Sun than Neptune does.

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NHS a risk to national security, says David Cameron

Prime minister David Cameron today called on Labour’s ‘moderates’  to help the government combat terrorism by dismantling the national health service.

Citing concerns over reports that people who are out of work, disabled, or opposed to the UK’s intervention in Syria may be obtaining treatment on the NHS, the prime minister and Hilary Benn today gave impassioned speeches about Britishness and war.

A spokesman for the prime minister said: “The NHS is supported by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and as such endangers national security. In order to keep hard working  Britons safe from terrorism, the NHS urgently needs to be dismantled and sold off to David’s mates in the private health industry, who can then provide healthcare to those who are willing to work hard to pay into an exorbitant healthcare plan.”

Laura Kuenssberg, the Political Editor of Conservative News, tweeted: “Corbyn looking weak on security and out of touch on NHS dismantling.”

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Privatise food banks says Iain Duncan Smith

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has provoked renewed outrage with a new proposal to privatise food banks. Private companies would be allowed to operate food banks for profit, conditional on the implementation of a strict regime of sanctions to be decided by DWP officials.

Food banks are not for profit organisations which provide food to those who are unable to buy sufficient food to avoid hunger or malnutrition — problems which are often the direct result of benefit cuts or sanctions.

G4S, expected to be among those preparing a bid to run food banks across the country, caused a furor last month when they published a report proposing that food bank users should be electronically tagged and should be made clearly identifiable by wearing a special badge.

A spokesperson for the DWP said: “Iain Duncan Smith is leading a revolution against welfare, and it’s essential that nothing stands in the way of the DWP’s plan to starve the sick, disabled and unemployed into a zero-hours contract at Poundland.”

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