Laura Kuenssberg: Why BBC must fight Labour and ignore Tory racism and scandals

The BBC’s chief political editor Laura Kuenssberg has waded into the ongoing row over pro-government bias by claiming it is only right to overplay relatively minor problems in the Labour Party, and to downplay the numerous major scandals currently engulfing the Conservatives.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Conservative Journalist of the Year said: “The problem is that Jeremy Corbyn wants to protect the NHS and improve the lives of the poor and vulnerable, but as a staunch conservative I would prefer to see the NHS in ruins, and people who are feckless enough to be sick or disabled forced into slavery at Poundland.”

“When David Cameron decreed that asset stripping the poor and letting them starve to death is now the true centre-ground of British politics, with the tacit agreement of the Blairite faction of Labour, he effectively gave the BBC a green light to abandon the last vestiges of impartiality and train all guns on Jeremy Corbyn, who clearly sympathises with anti-semites and terrorists.”

“Not content with suggesting that the wealthy should pay their fair share of tax, Corbyn is also unable to bow at the correct angle, likes to steal sandwiches from war veterans, and shares some of the same ideals as Hitler, such as being vegetarian.”

“That is why I have cynically abused my position as the BBC’s chief political editor to push a highly partisan political agenda through our erstwhile impartial public broadcaster, the global reputation of which I have now all but ruined.”


Why I’ve teamed up with Tories to weaponise anti-semitism, by John Mann MP

Over the course of the past week the Labour Party has been rocked by carefully choreographed accusations of anti-semitism, as part of a  campaign to damage the party’s popularity and electoral chances, and I am proud to say I have played a key role in this.

With local elections only days away, and with Labour and Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity soaring, my Blairite colleagues and my allies in the Conservative Party were left with no other option except to smear our opponents.

And that is why, with the willing collusion of the BBC and right wing media, we have grossly exaggerated the problem of anti-semitism and weaponised it exclusively for use against Jeremy Corbyn and his left wing supporters in the Labour Party.

But this is only the prelude to our coup attempt against Jeremy. Once the election results are in, my Blairite friends and I will immediately go to the media to denounce the result as a catastrophic failure, regardless of how many seats we get.

In the weeks that follow, we will agitate for a leadership challenge against Jeremy. If I had my way, we’d keep having leadership contests until the party membership votes chooses the correct candidate. Still, we are hopeful that somebody from the right of the party will win this time, or in a subsequent leadership contest a few months after that.

I have no evidence to back this up, but it’s a proven fact that the only way Labour can ever get elected is with centre-right policies that appeal predominantly to moderate Tory voters who are selfish, but would like to kid themselves that they do actually care about the well-being of anybody beyond their own immediate family.

I look forward to the day when Labour can move on from its pointless opposition to Tory austerity and the privatisation of the NHS, and start to work constructively with the Tories in building a country where the wealthy are rewarded for their contribution to society, and the poor and vulnerable are left to rot.

John Mann has been Labour MP for Bassetlaw since 2001.


Corbyn should throw himself out of Labour because of antisemitism, says Jess Phillips

Labour Loudmouth Jess Phillips has caused a media storm by demanding Jeremy Corbyn throw himself out of the Labour party, because a small number of members have been accused of antisemitism.

Speaking to reporters outside Parliament this afternoon, Mrs Phillips said: “I thought I could be a politician and a human being. But when I saw Jeremy Corbyn become Labour leader, talking nonsense about fighting Tory austerity and helping the poor and vulnerable, it was then I realised I can only ever be a career politician.”

On the antisemitism debate, the outspoken critic of social democracy continued: “For many years the very small number of antisemites within the Labour party was not an important issue for me, but that changed when I saw other Blairites and our Tory allies using often trumped up allegations of antisemitism to damage Jeremy Corbyn.”

“Like John Mann, I now believe the wildly exaggerated problem of Labour antisemitism is absolutely the most pressing issue of our time, and without a doubt far more worthy of my taxpayer funded time and energy than fighting the Tories or improving ordinary people’s lives.”

“Jeremy Corbyn was far too slow to suspend Ken Livingstone, and I speculate this may be because he himself is an antisemite sympathiser, or maybe he was once in the same room with someone he didn’t realise was an antisemite. And that is why I’m now calling for Jeremy to throw himself out of the Labour Party to show he’s serious about this issue that I was totally disinterested in one month ago.”



I’m the real victim of Hillsborough says Kelvin MacKenzie

Kelvin MacKenzie has provoked widespread public anger by claiming he is the ‘biggest victim’ of the Hillsborough disaster.

When cornered by a Newscrasher reporter, MacKenzie said: “I’m the real victim of the Hillsborough disaster, and the selfishness of the families of the dead in not recognising my suffering knows no end.”

In recent days the former Sun editor has also called for a public inquiry into the victimisation of Sun journalists, some of whom have been accused of picking the pockets of Hillsborough victims and urinating on bodies.

Asked about his reasons for publishing lies about the fans caught up in the Hillborough disaster, Mr MacKenzie said: “I’m a known liar, and for decades I have profited from publishing lies so outrageous they would make even Josef Goebbels blush.”

“I never expected my extensive history of reprehensible behaviour, including some potentially illegal activity, to catch up with me, but I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.”


BBC forgets to report massive Tory scandals because Labour may contain two possible antisemites

A shit-storm of scandals surrounding the Conservative Party has been totally ignored by the BBC in favour of an incident in which somebody shouted something at somebody else over a comment that was mostly accurate, if quite ill-judged.

A tired and emotional John Mann MP, who has done little else of note with his time in Parliament, was filmed following Mr Livingstone up a flight of stairs while shouting accusations of anti-semitism.

Speaking to reporters after the incident, Mr Mann said: “The greatest problem facing Britain today is that Jeremy Corbyn has simply become too popular with the electorate. It makes me sad that the people are unable to see how unelectable Jeremy actually is, especially compared to staunch supporters of our illegal invasion of Iraq like me.”

“But after today’s spontaneous events, which were totally not a set up, my Blairite colleagues and I hope the public will now see how absolutely evil everybody on the left of the party is.”

“It makes me sick to think there are people in Parliament who advocate focusing on improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, instead of bombing civilians and funneling as much money as possible to the super rich.”

He added: “With any luck, Labour will now underperform expectations in the upcoming local elections, and that would give us an excuse to seize control of the party and install an unpopular right wing leader against the wishes of the majority of party members.”

When asked about his interest in painting the left of his party as anti-semitic, Mr Mann said: “The fact that I receive substantial sums from groups who support Israel’s war of terror against Palestinian civilians is in no way connected to my desire to see all Labour party members who disagree with policies of the Israeli government branded as anti-semites.”


Brexit not totally essential for my planned enslavement of the British people, says Theresa May

The Home Secretary Theresa May has today sought to reassure middle-aged Daily Mail readers that Brexit is not 100 per cent necessary to achieve her planned ‘complete enslavement’ of the working age population.

Mrs May’s proposal represents a significant escalation in the arms-race between the hard-right MPs on either side of the Brexit divide. In recent weeks a number of anti-EU figures have argued that only by leaving the EU would it be possible to scrap the ‘failing’ NHS, or to replace all human rights with a ‘bill of obligations’.

The Home Secretary told reporters: “The prevailing opinion among those who currently enjoy comfortable retirements, or who are of working age and earn £100,000 or more, is that the government needs to crack down on the lifestyle choice to be of working age and earning less than £100,000 a year.”

“This feckless demographic caused the sub-prime crash in the USA and the global recession that followed, with overt collaboration from the terrorist-sympathising Labour Party. Therefore, it is only fair that people of working age who earn less than £100,000 a year should be made to pay for the terrorist damage they have done to the livelihoods of the very wealthy and retired, who were hit especially hard by slower than hoped rises in house prices.”

“And that is why if I become Conservative Party leader, I will make sure workers below the new retirement age of 100 who choose to earn less than £100,000 a year will have all human rights removed, and will be made to pay reparations to the retired and wealthy via a 60 % tax rate on all taxable income.”

In recent months the Home Secretary has gained a reputation for hard hitting and unorthodox political manoeuvres, such as her recent attendance at Parliament in the nude to reinforce her ‘nothing to hide, nothing to fear’ point.

Mrs May added: “It is true that my husband has made very large capital gains thanks to decisions I made as Home Secretary that were entirely impartial, and the financial consequences my decisions were totally unforeseen by either of us. Despite the widespread rumours suggesting otherwise, I maintain I have done nothing wrong in giving highly lucrative contracts to a company in which my husband is a major shareholder.”


Jeremy Hunt in talks with President Assad over future role in Syrian genocide

Syrian President Bashar al Assad is rumoured to be overjoyed at the news that he is now more popular than high profile minister of the UK government Jeremy Hunt, despite the fact that he has murdered tens of thousands of Syrian women and children and sent millions of refugees fleeing from their homes.

The cruel dictator is understood to be impressed with the Health Secretary’s extensive expertise in causing misery, ill-health and death among the public, and it is an open secret that Mr Hunt is currently in talks concerning an advisory role within the Assad regime.

President Assad said: “Here is a man who enjoys inflicting widespread death and suffering on his own people, and I very much look forward to collaborating with him here in Syria in the very near future.”

A spokesman for Jeremy Hunt told Newscrasher: “Jeremy has always been clear that his overall goal as Health Secretary is to dismantle the NHS and generally ruin the lives of the little people for personal financial gain.”

“The Assad regime is correct to recognise Jeremy’s expertise in this area, and although the details are yet to be finalised, Jeremy feels Syria represents an excellent opportunity to enrich himself via government sponsored genocide and suffering.”


NHS can still be dismantled outside EU, Jacob Rees-Mogg reassures

Prominent Euroskeptic MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has moved to reassure undecided voters that the Tories will still be able to dismantle the National Health Service if the UK leaves the European Union.

Recent polls suggest that those earning £100,000 or more are worried that any money saved from quitting the EU will simply be reinvested into important public services like the NHS, instead of being surreptitiously channeled into the bank accounts of the wealthy.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Conservative MP for North East Somerset outlined his vision for the UK outside of Europe: “The National Health Service is, in my mind, one of the great millstones around the neck of our once great nation, and it must be dismantled before it drains the excessive personal wealth of spivs like me.”

“It is my long held belief that only by freeing ourselves from the shackles of the EU will we be able to move forward and dismantle all public services, and abolish every last human right.”

“Once we trick the little people in sufficient numbers to vote for Brexit, the ruling elite will then need to show substantial resolve, for it is absolutely crucial that any savings on our EU membership are passed on to the most needy and deserving, particularly those earning at least £100,000, or those with assets worth more than £500,000.”


Cameron: striking doctors are like terrorist sympathisers

British Prime Minister David Cameron has provoked anger by arguing that today’s strike by junior doctors are ‘terrorist sympathisers’.

Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”

“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”

The hard right PM is said to be keen to associate any and all of his political opponents with terrorism, so that the public will support his plans to sell off the NHS and crush the poor and disabled.

Home Secretary Theresa May added: “Those earning £100,000 or more, or who are now enjoying a comfortable retirement, can rest assured that industrial action will soon be a thing of the past, regardless of whether we choose to leave or remain in the EU.”

“Our newly created hard-right Blueshirt militia, outsourced to G4S, will be instrumental in our anti industrial action crackdown on potential terrorist sympathisers and their Labour collaborators.”


Google Deep Mind reveals Hillary is a robot

When Gary Kasparov lost to chess computer Deep Blue in 1997, IBM marked a milestone in artificial intelligence. But Google may have now earned its own position in the history books with the announcement Hillary Clinton is actually a product built by its subsidiary Deep Mind. The announcement from Deep Mind confirms the long-running suspicion of many voters that Hillary is in fact a robot.

The project involved constructing a system capable of beating the best human politicians in the world at a game known as Politics. Politics involves a red team and a blue team competing against each other to not be as crap as the opposition, and is far more difficult for a computer to master than a game like chess.

Hillary V1 was originally deployed in 2008 against youthful Chicago lawyer, Barack Obama, but the machine’s software gradually malfunctioned and ended up crashing in Binary Itinerant Translation Code Halt — or BITCH for short. This time the Deep Mind team have tried to overcome the BITCH bug with Hillary Mark 2, a new program that agrees with everyone on everything all the time.

Google Deep Mind boss, Shane Legg explained, “we analyzed American voters through our hugely popular Facebook rival Google+ and discovered that above all Americans like politicians who believe in what they do whenever they do. Voters also find a complete lack of principles and overwhelming untrustworthiness reassuring factors. We are confident this will be a winning formula.”

Dr Tanguy Chouard, a senior editor at Nature who has been following the Politics matches as part of the review process, has described Hillary Mark 2 as “really chilling to watch”.

If Hillary manages to win, it will be the first such victory for a computer program in Politics, and a decade before anyone expected it. Deep Mind has refused to comment on rumors that they previously ran a cyborg for the position of Californian governor in 2000.


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