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Clinton: electoral fraud is justified because it’s ‘my turn’

As the Democratic Party faces fresh claims of electoral fraud and vote-rigging, Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton has spoken out about the allegations.

During an intimate interview with sympathetic CNN anchor Anderson Cooper on board her private jet, the Secretary of State was unequivocal: “There’s absolutely no merit in these allegations whatsoever”

“I was always going to win anyway, all the major corporate media networks say I will win because I tell them to say it, so rigging a caucus or primary vote here and there, technically it isn’t actual electoral fraud.

“It’s my turn to be President of the United States. I call on Bernie Sanders, who unlike me has extraordinary grass roots popular support, to withdraw from the race and gracefully wait his turn.”

When Cooper asks her about the large number of donations from corporate America, Secretary Clinton got straight to the point: “I’ve taken an extraordinary quantity of cash from Wall Street and giant corporations, and I’ve promised it won’t affect my policy decisions whatsoever.”

“People have called me a liar on this, but I’m telling the truth. Honestly, from the very beginning, my plan was always to give maximum help for the super rich and big business to rip-off the hard-working American middle-class.”

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Rip off Britain: Tory anger at ‘extortionate’ class A drug prices

A number of Conservative MPs have today complained about the recent above-inflation increase in the price of class A drugs, and have called for the Government to intervene in the narcotics market to ensure cocaine and other substances are affordable.

In an open letter published in the Daily Telegraph, a group of 38 Conservative MPs demanded action to tackle what they have called “the spiraling cost of the Class A drugs that are an essential part of right-wing parliamentary business”. Suggested measures include making drug expenses tax-deductible, providing an allowance for MP and Lords specifically for the purchase of drugs, or provision of subsidized drugs in Parliament.

Although not among the signatories of the letter, Chancellor George Osborne told reporters: “Even with the recent rise in my ministerial salary I am no longer able to afford a kilo of coke per month, unless I cut down other essentials like prostitutes or Champagne.”

Mr Osborne added: “Fortunately for myself and a number of other Conservative MPs, the recent influx of prostitutes from Central and Eastern Europe has significantly depressed wages in the sex industry, to some extent mitigating the price increase of other essentials.”

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Popularity boost for Corbyn after an international war criminal says something about him

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has received a further boost to his popularity after former Prime Minister Tony Blair launched yet another attack in the media.

Mr Blair told the Sun: “Corbyn is a dangerous man. A general election victory for Jeremy Corbyn would be disastrous for Iraq war criminals like me, and also for the super rich.”

However, the former Labour Leader’s comments backfired spectacularly, due in part to being complete and utter bollocks. Blair’s surprisingly clumsy intervention is seen by many as a last ditch effort to rally right-wing Labour MPs for a leadership challenge, and is likely to have adversely affected public opinion of the right of the party.

A spokesman for the Labour leader told Newscrasher: “We thank Mr Blair for taking time out from his busy schedule of accumulating extraordinary levels of personal wealth to share his opinions with us.“

“Jeremy looks forward to discussing a range of important matters with Tony at the Hague War Crimes Tribunal, immediately after the 2020 general election.”

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Cameron: my tax dodging was actually just ‘research’

The right wing Prime Minister has today offered a new excuse in an attempt to explain away his controversial and apparently highly irregular tax affairs.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Mr Cameron told reporters: “Even though I knowingly avoided large sums of tax over a number of years, it was entirely innocent because I was merely conducting research into tax avoidance by the super rich.”

“My naming in the Panama tax scandal was all totally planned by me from the outset, as a means to draw maximum attention to the very serious issue of offshore tax avoidance by the rich. My long term aim was to seek and destroy all offshore tax loopholes that allow the rich to avoid paying the tax that our starved public services are crying out for.”

“This is the culmination of my anti tax avoidance project and is a great victory for myself and George Osborne, who a has also conducted extensive undercover research into highly immoral tax avoidance methods for several decades.”

A former Labour Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, speaking on Condition of anonymity, told Newscrasher: “David Cameron, who is almost as wealthy and as corrupt as I am, is clearly in the right here. Despite the despicable calls for his resignation from the left of the Labour Party, who I hope never win a general election, Cameron has proven that he’s still totally in touch with the public mood.”

The former premier, whose personal wealth is thought to run to several tens of millions of pounds, added: “And that is why I believe Jeremy Corbyn should resign immediately for no reason, live on the BBC like Michael Dugher heroically did.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister, calling him “our James Bond PM, the people’s PM, fighting global tax injustice”.

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Cameron to become ‘PM for life’

As crowds gather in central London and across the country to demand his resignation over his tax dodging, the hard right Prime Minister has signaled his intention to remain in office indefinitely.

Laughing off widespread calls for his resignation, Mr Cameron said: “Who do these plebs think they are? I’ve done nothing wrong, and I will never resign. I absolutely will not.”

“President Robert Mugabe, a great hero of mine, wouldn’t resign over something as trivial as potentially illegal tax irregularities, so why should I? Mugabe would never give in to treason or terrorism like this, and neither will I.”

“And that is why my Government will be rushing through the Patriotic Democracy Bill, without allowing MPs or the Lords to have a vote, in order to provide the legal framework for me to stay on at Number 10 indefinitely.”

“As PM for life, I will be able to see through our long term economic plan to its final solution. Not only will I ensure a reduction in the deficit of at least 5 per cent by the year 2039, I will also make sure hard working families on £100,000 or more have access to world class privatized public services.”

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Osborne twitter row: Cameron ‘common criminal’

The ongoing row over David Cameron’s tax affairs has intensified today after a tweet by George Osborne was seen to suggest he believes the Prime Minister is a ‘common criminal’.

In the tweet, Mr Osborne wrote: “Tax evasion is not just illegal it’s immoral. People evading tax should be treated same as common thieves.”

The Chancellor’s shock intervention in the row over tax dodging is likely to represent the death knell of Mr Cameron’s political career, and it is now likely to become increasingly difficult for Cameron to resist calls for his resignation.

Although the hard-right Prime Minister has not officially commented on the Chancellor’s tweet, Mr Cameron is understood to have privately called him a ‘drug-addled shambles of a chancellor who should still be refolding towels’.

Despite the rest of the media focusing on Cameron’s tax evasion scandal, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg spent most of the day tweeting her musings on why Jeremy Corbyn’s beard makes him unelectable and why the colour of his bicycle is the cause of divisions among the Parliamentary Labour Party.

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Tory leadership contest: Osborne and Adolf Hitler neck and neck

In the wake of disgraced Prime Minister David Cameron’s imminent resignation, media speculation abounds over who will replace him as party leader.

Will the new leader continue to hound the disabled and vulnerable to death, in order to pay for tax cuts for the rich? Or will the Government instead embrace one-nation conservatism and only be moderately evil? For poor and rich alike, the stakes could not be higher.

This list of known or suspected leadership contenders is as follows:

George Osborne: Chancellor of the Exchequer since 2010 and alleged tax-dodger, he currently enjoys similar levels of support within the party membership as Adolf Hitler, thanks in part to his cruel policy of asset-stripping the most vulnerable in society, for the benefit of the wealthy elite.

Iain Duncan Smith: Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, he presided over some of the worst human rights abuses this country has ever seen. For this reason alone he finds plenty of support from both Young Conservatives and a significant section of the grass-roots party.

Michael Gove: The highly irritating former Education Secretary, whose destruction of the education of millions of children, is well viewed by Conservative activists and voters earning more than £100,000 a year.

Theresa May: Home Secretary since 2010, she spearheaded the government’s totalitarian crackdown on the privacy and freedom of those who are not extremely rich. Considered by many in the party as a champion for wealth-creation due to the outsourcing of a number of Home Office services, from which she has definitely not benefited financially.

Liz Kendall: A Labour back-bencher and fierce critic of Jeremy Corbyn’s humanist policies, Liz is rumoured to be considering crossing the floor to lead the Conservative Party. Sensationally, leaked polling suggests Kendall may achieve even greater support than she did in the Labour leadership contest.

Boris Johnson: Mayor of London and general twat, he is by no means among the front-runners, but for some explicable reason he retains a degree of popularity among the hard right Euroskeptic wing of the party.

Adolf Hitler: Resurrected thanks to a top secret cloning project funded by wealthy Conservative Party donors, he enjoys significant support from prominent hard-right MPs such as Jacob Rees-Mogg. This is thanks to his tough stance on migration, and his planned acceleration of the Government’s policy of killing or enslaving the entirety of the population who earn below £100,000 a year.

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Cameron expected to resign soon over tax-dodging, corruption, sex, drugs scandals

British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to resign in the very near future, as the result of a perfect storm of self-inflicted scandals concerning allegations over drug-taking, sex with a deceased pig, corruption, tax dodging, cheating in elections, and manslaughter of the sick and disabled.

Speculation abounds regarding which Conservative MP will take the helm of the party, but most commentators agree that the next Tory leader will be only marginally less unpopular than the evil dictator President Assad of Syria.

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Cameron: Tax is for the little people

As the political storm surrounding the Cameron family’s tax affairs intensifies, the Prime Minister has once again attempted to justify his dubious offshore tax arrangements.

Visibly angry at being asked difficult questions by people who don’t know their place, Mr Cameron snarled: “Tax is for the little people, and those earning less than £100,000 a year. At six foot two and being from a wealthy family, I shouldn’t have to bother with things like honesty or actually paying my taxes.”

“I don’t know why you journalists are going round setting fire to each other over a trivial matter like my tax dodging, when I’ve done things that are far more illegal and damaging to the national interest.”

Taking to Twitter in defence of the Prime Minister, Laura Kuenssberg wrote: “PM doing nothing illegal, rich tax dodgers help poor via trickle down effect”.

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Osborne poll boost as Chancellor overtakes Adolf Hitler

Hard-right Chancellor George Osborne has received a major boost to his popularity, a recent Yougov poll suggests.

The new poll suggests Mr. Osborne has seen a substantial increase in his popularity since his omnishambles 2016 Budget, with his approval rating having increased from -99 to -97, overtaking Adolf Hitler to become the second least popular Chancellor in the history of the world.

The accompanying report from a Yougov analyst argues that although the increase in popularity is statistically significant, it is likely to be caused by the fact that the Chancellor’s cruel policies are predominantly killing off those with whom he is least popular.

Speaking about his growing popularity, the hard-right Chancellor said: “Adolf Hitler was great in his own way, and on a personal level it is a true honour to know that the British public hold me in even higher esteem than Hitler, despite the fact that I have not yet caused the level of misery and death than the Fuhrer achieved under his own long-term economic plans.”

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