Far-right group Britain First has announced it will hold a competition to find ‘the ugliest face of British fascism’, it has emerged.
Britain First leader Paul Golding said: “Like many fascist groups, we have something of an image problem, but we believe our Ugliest Face of British Fascism contest represents the final solution to our woes.”
“We will tour the country stirring unrest and bigotry, and will leave no stone unturned in our as yet unsuccessful quest to bring attractive and articulate white, British racists into our dangerous neo-fascist group.”
A spokesman for the group confirmed that neither Golding nor his deputy Jayda Fransen will enter the pageant ‘because their aryan beauty would see them vanquish all challengers’.
Newscrasher understands the formerly corrupt but now totally honest Neil Hamilton has agreed to be one of the judges.
However, both will feature alongside the lucky winners in a nude Britain First calendar which aims to raise funds for the purchase the uniforms Golding and his band of fascist ‘Greenshirts’ are in urgent need of.
Elites leading the campaign to leave the European Union have pledged to take power back from the elites, and give it straight back to themselves.
Boris Johnson, the self-proclaimed leader of the proletarian resistance against the wealthy elite, said: “I call on all readers of the Sun and Daily Mail to rise up and overthrow the ruling right-wing elite, so that other right-wing elites including me can take the reigns of power and continue to punish the poor and vulnerable.”
The high-net worth former public schoolboy added: “I have no idea of the sums of money involved, nor do I have the faintest idea of the economic or political ramifications of Brexit, but what I do know is I love this country and we need to take back control.”
“By ‘we’, of course I actually mean me and my hugely wealthy Eton chums in the Conservative Party.”
Speaking to Newscrasher, Conservative Elite Michael Gove said: “People in this country have had enough of experts. They’re simply fed up with being asked to make life-changing decisions on the basis of actual facts and logic.”
“What they require is a primitive patriotism which can be appealed to whenever it is necessary to make them accept worse living and working conditions.”
“And when they become discontented, their discontentment will lead nowhere, because being without general ideas, they can only focus it on petty specific grievances.”
“Now watch me wave a flag.”
1930s Germany has demanded the immediate return of its fascist ideals, it has emerged.
The demand comes after far-right politician Nigel Farage was caught shamelessly copying Nazi propaganda in his latest anti-immigration poster.
Despite the clear parallels with Adolf Hitler, in recent weeks Nigel Farage has attempted to distance himself from the former fuhrer of Nazi Germany: “There is a huge difference between Adolf Hitler and myself.”
“One of us is a sinister xenophobe hell-bent on stoking hatred and violence against imagined external and internal enemies, the other was a sinister xenophobe with a moustache who was hell-bent on stoking hatred and violence against imagined external and internal enemies. That’s the difference.”
A spokesman for the former Nazi government of Germany, speaking from his hideout in Argentina, said: “It is totally unacceptable that Brexit campaigners are now plagiarising the great propaganda works of my regime. We call on Farage and his followers to either join the Nazi Party with which they have so much ideology in common, or else stop using our propaganda in their campaigning.”
By Dorothy Hotdog
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has proposed replacing existing NHS cancer treatments with an alternative treatment proposed by Deal Or No Deal presenter and beard-trimming expert Noel Edmunds.
The EMP Pad is a device that attempts to stimulate “cellular resonance” in the human body using “low intensity and frequency pulsed electromagnetic fields”, and has a price tag of £2,315.
Announcing his landmark discovery on Twitter, Mr Edmunds wrote: “A simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer. Yep tackles cancer!”
Jeremy Hunt, a long time champion of homeopathy and good friend of the TV presenter, paid tribute to his war against cancer: “Noel is at the forefront of global cancer research, and I congratulate him on the astonishing scientific break through he has just announced.”
“For years NHS cancer patients have been subjected to the quackery of chemotherapy, but half of them never recover. This is an appalling record and it’s time for a change.”
“Worse still, the NHS spends some £30,000 per patient for a 50% success record. Noel’s own findings suggest the NHS can comfortably save £6.4 billion of the £6.7 billion a year it spends on cancer treatment, which would allow substantial tax cuts for high earners.”
“I think it’s about time the people of Britain got the cancer treatment from the NHS they deserve, and it’s up to a Conservative government to give it to them.”
The Advertising Standards Agency has demanded that the ‘Leave’ campaign begin to include some truth in its referendum propaganda.
The move by the ASA comes after a series of extreme statements were made by high profile campaigners from the ‘Leave’ camp, including a claim by Nigel Farage that “at the stroke of midnight the day after the referendum, one billion muslims will appear on the streets of Britain and will immediately rape our women, unless we vote to leave the EU.”
David Cameron has welcomed the intervention by the ASA, telling journalists: “Only I should be allowed to tell blatant lies to the electorate in order to win elections.”
However, Prime Minister in waiting Boris Johnson has vowed to take the matter to court, to protect his “right to blatantly lie to the people about everything.”
The BBC has announced it is to overdub all future booing of Laura Kuenssberg with rapturous applause, in order to ‘nullify the threat to her free speech from terrorist sympathisers who want to overthrow the government’.
The announcement comes after a number of people booed the BBC’s chief political editor as she began to ask a question at a speech by Jeremy Corbyn.
Speaking after the event, Laura Kuenssberg said: “A few people who support Jeremy Corbyn booed me, and I will now proceed to use this as yet another excuse to attack him. With any luck, this will create enough of a diversion to take the pressure off our brave Prime Minister as his party is rocked by a massive electoral fraud scandal.”
Mrs. Kuenssberg added: “The people who booed me clearly oppose the Conservative Government, which was elected by the people in 2015 with only minor irregularities and cheating. And by wanting to overthrow the government at the next election by voting for Labour, they show what utter disrespect they have for democracy and my freedom to use our public broadcaster as the propaganda wing of the Tory party.”
A UKIP supporting xenophobe has failed to uncover any rational Brexit arguments on the internet, it has emerged.
Eric, aged 49 and from Cornwall, said: “Because the real reasons I want to leave the EU are all racist, I decided to search the internet for rational-sounding arguments that would allow me to pretend my support for Brexit is not actually an irrational hatred of foreigners.”
“Unfortunately, I was only able to find a selection of ill-informed memes largely consisting of a Union Jack and one or more quasi-racist non-sequiturs”
“How the fuck does that help me to justify voting Brexit? It’s almost as if the Leave campaign haven’t been able to come up with a rational case for Brexit.”
Eric eventually finds his way to the UKIP website, where he views a clip of Nigel Farage claiming that the EU is to blame for everything, and that all problems will cease to exist after Brexit.
Confident that he is now able to make a plausibly non-racist case for leaving the European Union, Eric phones his pro-EU nephew and invites him round for a debate over beer – a move he will soon regret.
Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith is to change his name to ‘Iain Dunked In Shit’, it has emerged.
The hard-right politician said: “In 2010 when I began my quest to make Britain great again by killing the poor and disabled, I had every confidence that I would soon become the most popular politician in the history of this country.”
“But inexplicably, my cruel policies have drawn widespread criticism and my otherwise good name has been ruined. All because the people have failed me.”
Explaining the name change, Mr Duncan Smith told Newscrasher: “With my public image in tatters, I decided it was high time I reinvented myself. And that is why I have chosen to take one of the many offensive nicknames that members of the public have affectionately been calling me as I slowly ruined their lives.”
“At least as Iain Dunked In Shit I can pretend I’m in on the entirely justified jokes and abuse I am facing as a direct consequence of my sickening hard-right policies.”
Iain Duncan Smith has backed Adolf Hitler for Chancellor of Germany, calling him a ‘very decent man’.
It came at the end of a debate with the Scottish National Socialist Party’s Alex Salmond on LBC Radio.
Mr Salmond accused Iain Duncan Smith of “playing people against each other” over migration, and went on to say: “During my tenure as party leader, I successfully stoked up racist feeling against a perceived external enemy, the English, so I have a lot in common with Iain Duncan Smith aside from us both being right wing nationalists.”
The former Minister for Manslaughter denied his side of the debate had effectively embraced Hitler’s migration policy.
Mr Duncan Smith said: “The reason why the government has not succeeded in this manifesto pledge is because we have an unbalanced migration system and we have been been prevented from killing more of our poor and disabled by the interfering EU.”
The BBC has strongly rejected allegations that they have any kind of bias whatsoever against Jeremy Corbyn, a man the broadcaster recently branded a ‘terrorist-sympathizing antichrist vampire’.
Chief Political Editor of the BBC, Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is absolutely no truth whatsoever in the allegation that my excessively negative coverage of Jeremy Corbyn constitutes a bias of any kind.”
“I’m merely exercising my right to free speech, and my right to misuse my position in our public broadcaster to put out naked propaganda for the Conservative Party.”
“As a terrorist-sympathizing, antichrist vampire, Mr Corbyn must be prevented from getting elected and improving the lives of ordinary people.”