The Home Secretary Theresa May has today sought to reassure middle-aged Daily Mail readers that Brexit is not 100 per cent necessary to achieve her planned ‘complete enslavement’ of the working age population.
Mrs May’s proposal represents a significant escalation in the arms-race between the hard-right MPs on either side of the Brexit divide. In recent weeks a number of anti-EU figures have argued that only by leaving the EU would it be possible to scrap the ‘failing’ NHS, or to replace all human rights with a ‘bill of obligations’.
The Home Secretary told reporters: “The prevailing opinion among those who currently enjoy comfortable retirements, or who are of working age and earn £100,000 or more, is that the government needs to crack down on the lifestyle choice to be of working age and earning less than £100,000 a year.”
“This feckless demographic caused the sub-prime crash in the USA and the global recession that followed, with overt collaboration from the terrorist-sympathising Labour Party. Therefore, it is only fair that people of working age who earn less than £100,000 a year should be made to pay for the terrorist damage they have done to the livelihoods of the very wealthy and retired, who were hit especially hard by slower than hoped rises in house prices.”
“And that is why if I become Conservative Party leader, I will make sure workers below the new retirement age of 100 who choose to earn less than £100,000 a year will have all human rights removed, and will be made to pay reparations to the retired and wealthy via a 60 % tax rate on all taxable income.”
In recent months the Home Secretary has gained a reputation for hard hitting and unorthodox political manoeuvres, such as her recent attendance at Parliament in the nude to reinforce her ‘nothing to hide, nothing to fear’ point.
Mrs May added: “It is true that my husband has made very large capital gains thanks to decisions I made as Home Secretary that were entirely impartial, and the financial consequences my decisions were totally unforeseen by either of us. Despite the widespread rumours suggesting otherwise, I maintain I have done nothing wrong in giving highly lucrative contracts to a company in which my husband is a major shareholder.”
Syrian President Bashar al Assad is rumoured to be overjoyed at the news that he is now more popular than high profile minister of the UK government Jeremy Hunt, despite the fact that he has murdered tens of thousands of Syrian women and children and sent millions of refugees fleeing from their homes.
The cruel dictator is understood to be impressed with the Health Secretary’s extensive expertise in causing misery, ill-health and death among the public, and it is an open secret that Mr Hunt is currently in talks concerning an advisory role within the Assad regime.
President Assad said: “Here is a man who enjoys inflicting widespread death and suffering on his own people, and I very much look forward to collaborating with him here in Syria in the very near future.”
A spokesman for Jeremy Hunt told Newscrasher: “Jeremy has always been clear that his overall goal as Health Secretary is to dismantle the NHS and generally ruin the lives of the little people for personal financial gain.”
“The Assad regime is correct to recognise Jeremy’s expertise in this area, and although the details are yet to be finalised, Jeremy feels Syria represents an excellent opportunity to enrich himself via government sponsored genocide and suffering.”
Prominent Euroskeptic MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has moved to reassure undecided voters that the Tories will still be able to dismantle the National Health Service if the UK leaves the European Union.
Recent polls suggest that those earning £100,000 or more are worried that any money saved from quitting the EU will simply be reinvested into important public services like the NHS, instead of being surreptitiously channeled into the bank accounts of the wealthy.
Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Conservative MP for North East Somerset outlined his vision for the UK outside of Europe: “The National Health Service is, in my mind, one of the great millstones around the neck of our once great nation, and it must be dismantled before it drains the excessive personal wealth of spivs like me.”
“It is my long held belief that only by freeing ourselves from the shackles of the EU will we be able to move forward and dismantle all public services, and abolish every last human right.”
“Once we trick the little people in sufficient numbers to vote for Brexit, the ruling elite will then need to show substantial resolve, for it is absolutely crucial that any savings on our EU membership are passed on to the most needy and deserving, particularly those earning at least £100,000, or those with assets worth more than £500,000.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron has provoked anger by arguing that today’s strike by junior doctors are ‘terrorist sympathisers’.
Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”
“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”
The hard right PM is said to be keen to associate any and all of his political opponents with terrorism, so that the public will support his plans to sell off the NHS and crush the poor and disabled.
Home Secretary Theresa May added: “Those earning £100,000 or more, or who are now enjoying a comfortable retirement, can rest assured that industrial action will soon be a thing of the past, regardless of whether we choose to leave or remain in the EU.”
“Our newly created hard-right Blueshirt militia, outsourced to G4S, will be instrumental in our anti industrial action crackdown on potential terrorist sympathisers and their Labour collaborators.”
When Gary Kasparov lost to chess computer Deep Blue in 1997, IBM marked a milestone in artificial intelligence. But Google may have now earned its own position in the history books with the announcement Hillary Clinton is actually a product built by its subsidiary Deep Mind. The announcement from Deep Mind confirms the long-running suspicion of many voters that Hillary is in fact a robot.
The project involved constructing a system capable of beating the best human politicians in the world at a game known as Politics. Politics involves a red team and a blue team competing against each other to not be as crap as the opposition, and is far more difficult for a computer to master than a game like chess.
Hillary V1 was originally deployed in 2008 against youthful Chicago lawyer, Barack Obama, but the machine’s software gradually malfunctioned and ended up crashing in Binary Itinerant Translation Code Halt — or BITCH for short. This time the Deep Mind team have tried to overcome the BITCH bug with Hillary Mark 2, a new program that agrees with everyone on everything all the time.
Google Deep Mind boss, Shane Legg explained, “we analyzed American voters through our hugely popular Facebook rival Google+ and discovered that above all Americans like politicians who believe in what they do whenever they do. Voters also find a complete lack of principles and overwhelming untrustworthiness reassuring factors. We are confident this will be a winning formula.”
Dr Tanguy Chouard, a senior editor at Nature who has been following the Politics matches as part of the review process, has described Hillary Mark 2 as “really chilling to watch”.
If Hillary manages to win, it will be the first such victory for a computer program in Politics, and a decade before anyone expected it. Deep Mind has refused to comment on rumors that they previously ran a cyborg for the position of Californian governor in 2000.
As the Democratic Party faces fresh claims of electoral fraud and vote-rigging, Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton has spoken out about the allegations.
During an intimate interview with sympathetic CNN anchor Anderson Cooper on board her private jet, the Secretary of State was unequivocal: “There’s absolutely no merit in these allegations whatsoever”
“I was always going to win anyway, all the major corporate media networks say I will win because I tell them to say it, so rigging a caucus or primary vote here and there, technically it isn’t actual electoral fraud.
“It’s my turn to be President of the United States. I call on Bernie Sanders, who unlike me has extraordinary grass roots popular support, to withdraw from the race and gracefully wait his turn.”
When Cooper asks her about the large number of donations from corporate America, Secretary Clinton got straight to the point: “I’ve taken an extraordinary quantity of cash from Wall Street and giant corporations, and I’ve promised it won’t affect my policy decisions whatsoever.”
“People have called me a liar on this, but I’m telling the truth. Honestly, from the very beginning, my plan was always to give maximum help for the super rich and big business to rip-off the hard-working American middle-class.”
A number of Conservative MPs have today complained about the recent above-inflation increase in the price of class A drugs, and have called for the Government to intervene in the narcotics market to ensure cocaine and other substances are affordable.
In an open letter published in the Daily Telegraph, a group of 38 Conservative MPs demanded action to tackle what they have called “the spiraling cost of the Class A drugs that are an essential part of right-wing parliamentary business”. Suggested measures include making drug expenses tax-deductible, providing an allowance for MP and Lords specifically for the purchase of drugs, or provision of subsidized drugs in Parliament.
Although not among the signatories of the letter, Chancellor George Osborne told reporters: “Even with the recent rise in my ministerial salary I am no longer able to afford a kilo of coke per month, unless I cut down other essentials like prostitutes or Champagne.”
Mr Osborne added: “Fortunately for myself and a number of other Conservative MPs, the recent influx of prostitutes from Central and Eastern Europe has significantly depressed wages in the sex industry, to some extent mitigating the price increase of other essentials.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has received a further boost to his popularity after former Prime Minister Tony Blair launched yet another attack in the media.
Mr Blair told the Sun: “Corbyn is a dangerous man. A general election victory for Jeremy Corbyn would be disastrous for Iraq war criminals like me, and also for the super rich.”
However, the former Labour Leader’s comments backfired spectacularly, due in part to being complete and utter bollocks. Blair’s surprisingly clumsy intervention is seen by many as a last ditch effort to rally right-wing Labour MPs for a leadership challenge, and is likely to have adversely affected public opinion of the right of the party.
A spokesman for the Labour leader told Newscrasher: “We thank Mr Blair for taking time out from his busy schedule of accumulating extraordinary levels of personal wealth to share his opinions with us.“
“Jeremy looks forward to discussing a range of important matters with Tony at the Hague War Crimes Tribunal, immediately after the 2020 general election.”
The right wing Prime Minister has today offered a new excuse in an attempt to explain away his controversial and apparently highly irregular tax affairs.
Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Mr Cameron told reporters: “Even though I knowingly avoided large sums of tax over a number of years, it was entirely innocent because I was merely conducting research into tax avoidance by the super rich.”
“My naming in the Panama tax scandal was all totally planned by me from the outset, as a means to draw maximum attention to the very serious issue of offshore tax avoidance by the rich. My long term aim was to seek and destroy all offshore tax loopholes that allow the rich to avoid paying the tax that our starved public services are crying out for.”
“This is the culmination of my anti tax avoidance project and is a great victory for myself and George Osborne, who a has also conducted extensive undercover research into highly immoral tax avoidance methods for several decades.”
A former Labour Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, speaking on Condition of anonymity, told Newscrasher: “David Cameron, who is almost as wealthy and as corrupt as I am, is clearly in the right here. Despite the despicable calls for his resignation from the left of the Labour Party, who I hope never win a general election, Cameron has proven that he’s still totally in touch with the public mood.”
The former premier, whose personal wealth is thought to run to several tens of millions of pounds, added: “And that is why I believe Jeremy Corbyn should resign immediately for no reason, live on the BBC like Michael Dugher heroically did.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister, calling him “our James Bond PM, the people’s PM, fighting global tax injustice”.
As crowds gather in central London and across the country to demand his resignation over his tax dodging, the hard right Prime Minister has signaled his intention to remain in office indefinitely.
Laughing off widespread calls for his resignation, Mr Cameron said: “Who do these plebs think they are? I’ve done nothing wrong, and I will never resign. I absolutely will not.”
“President Robert Mugabe, a great hero of mine, wouldn’t resign over something as trivial as potentially illegal tax irregularities, so why should I? Mugabe would never give in to treason or terrorism like this, and neither will I.”
“And that is why my Government will be rushing through the Patriotic Democracy Bill, without allowing MPs or the Lords to have a vote, in order to provide the legal framework for me to stay on at Number 10 indefinitely.”
“As PM for life, I will be able to see through our long term economic plan to its final solution. Not only will I ensure a reduction in the deficit of at least 5 per cent by the year 2039, I will also make sure hard working families on £100,000 or more have access to world class privatized public services.”