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Global tax evasion community disowns man who fucked a pig’s head

The global tax evasion community has today denied any link with alleged tax criminal and UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

A spokesman for the International Association of Money Launderers (IAML) said: “Our members are interested only in the victim-less crime of defrauding the taxpayer of their respective countries of residence.”

“Had we known at the time about the unproven but undenied allegation of sexual activity with a dead pig, we would never have admitted David Cameron to our criminal enterprise. Therefore, it is with regret that we must now sever all official ties with Mr Cameron.”

The announcement by the IAML comes hot on the heels of the explosive revelation that David Cameron’s father used an offshore tax evasion scheme to evade a substantial amount of tax.

But even more damaging for the right wing Prime Minister is his refusal to deny allegations that he has used the same tax evasion scheme as his late father: a non-denial which some observers have taken as a tacit admission of Mr Cameron’s guilt.

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Cameron in coma after drunken brawl with Boris

British Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to be in a coma, following a drunken brawl with euroskeptic MP Boris Johnson. It is understood that Mr Cameron suffered a serious head injury in the altercation, during which Mr Johnson is said to called the Prime Minister ‘an absolute rotter’ and ‘the biggest liar in the history of the world’.

Speaking outside the West-End five-star hospital in which the Prime Minister is being treated, Samantha Cameron told reporters: “We would like to thank the vanishingly small number of well-wishers who have sent messages of support for David.”

“It’s heartwarming to know there are still a few people up and down the country whose lives haven’t yet been utterly wrecked by the cruel policies of David’s government.”

Hospital staff said that security had to be stepped up after a member of the public ‘accidentally’ unplugged Mr Cameron’s life-support in order to charge a mobile telephone.

News of Mr Cameron’s misfortune went viral on social media almost immediately, reaching more than 10 million Facebook ‘likes’ in under an hour.

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Blairites to intensify abstentions in wake of Port Talbot

Several prominent Blairite MPs have vowed to intensify their abstentions in the wake of the Port Talbot crisis.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Our campaign of abstentions has been highly effective at providing opposition to the Tories, in a way that Jeremy’s actual opposition has not.”

“Not only have we allowed the passage of numerous bills that cruelly victimise the poor. We have also propagated the myth that as a non-Blairite, Jeremy Corbyn is unable to mount any effective opposition to the Tories with whom I share so much common ground.”

He added: “Now is the time to step-up the intensity of our abstention campaign, to show solidarity with the hard working wealth creators up and down the country who earn £100,000 or more.”

An anonymous former Labour leadership candidate, who gained an impressive 4.5 per cent in last year’s leadership contest, said: “As somebody who stands for nothing except election, I’m uniquely placed to help the ordinary people.”

“That is why I will be fighting tooth and nail against literally thousands of job losses at Porto Talbot by abstaining on absolutely every commons vote.”

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Train operators welcome National Rail Refund Day

Next Tuesday is rail refund day, where passengers have the annual chance to collect a rail refund.

As stated in section 91827(a) paragraph 16 of the terms and Conditions of Carriage, passengers may obtain a refund between 2.15 AM and 2.16 AM next Tuesday morning from a single designated customer service window at Penzance.

This national service is provided to rail passengers on condition that they bring with them no less than 6 different photo IDs, along with a serial number of the ticket machine they bought the original ticket from, and a description of the weather that day for verification purposes.

The refund period has been welcomed by the train operating companies who claim it heralds a new openness towards customers, following criticism last year that refunds were only available from the ticket office on the shetland islands, which have no train station.

Customers no longer have to bring six pints of blood from their first born child.
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Cut in disability benefit equal to Cabinet drug and prostitution budget increase

The savings from George Osborne’s proposed £30 a week cut to disability benefits is exactly equal to the proposed increase in the Cabinet’s drug and prostitution budget, the Institute for Taxation and Expenditure Studies (ITES) has found.

It has long been an open secret that a minority of MPs sometimes partake in the use of illegal drugs and prostitution, but its explicit inclusion in the 2016 budget will be seen by many observers as a tacit acknowledgement of that fact.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has called the move “a political master-stroke by the greatest UK Chancellor of all time” and a sign of Osborne’s “commitment to transparency and liberal ideals, akin to the abolition of slavery.”

Former Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: “After I stabbed Liberal Democrat voters in the back and took our party into the Conservative-led Coalition government in 2010, I was utterly horrified to see that recreational drugs and prostitution were rife during our Cabinet meetings.”

“However, I didn’t bother to speak out about this or any of the other evil shit the Tories did. Well, not until the Tories were safely installed in government with a majority, and my party’s electoral chances were left in ruins.”

Despite continued speculation in some sections of the media over the details, the quantity and type of prostitutes and illicit drugs are not stated in the Budget documentation, nor are the names of those who would participate.

A government spokesman declined to comment directly on the claims, but told Newscrasher: “Sometimes it is necessary to include contingency expenses in the budget to pay potential expenses that may end up being necessary for the smooth running of government.”

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Blairite fury over Corbyn poll boost

A number of right-wing Blairite MPs have voiced outrage over the rising popularity of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, after several polls suggested he is now more popular than hard-right Prime Minister David Cameron.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Corbyn’s rising popularity is a fucking disaster for those of us who broadly agree with Tory austerity.”

“It just isn’t realistic to think that Labour could win a general election on a platform of getting the wealthy to pay their fair share of tax, and using the money to improve the lives of the poor. With Corbyn at the helm, the party is totally unelectable as far as voters earning £100,000 or more are concerned. ”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former Labour Prime Minister said: “Jeremy’s a nice guy and probably means well, but Alastair and I feel he just doesn’t have what it takes on defence. He probably hasn’t even got the guts to start an illegal war, causing millions of civilian deaths and plunging an entire region into turmoil.”

Speaking about tentative plans to topple Corbyn, another Labour MP said: “Our attempts to damage Corbyn’s credibility with continuous leaks and back-stabbing in the media haven’t been effective, so it’s now time to stab him in the front.”

“Jeremy needs to understand that left wing ideals and skateboarding are exactly the same thing. Having a long-held belief in improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, to be paid for by taxing the rich, is like saying: ‘I’m going to skateboard until I die.’ It’s just ridiculous. Grow up!”

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Poll: Should Stephen Crabb be prosecuted?

Few would disagree that new Secretary of State for Work and Pensions is implementing a number of policies that will be hugely detrimental to those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

Some have even gone as far as to argue that a number of the policies are an abuse of human rights, with suggestions that tens of thousands of premature deaths may result.

Should Stephen Crabb face investigation and prosecution for what he’s doing? You decide.

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Osborne discovered hiding in a hole with Coke and a half-eaten cat

After several days missing, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has been found alive and well, much to the relief of a vanishingly small number of people.

Mr Osborne left 11 Downing Street on Thursday citing an ‘urgent hair-cut appointment’ and was not seen until this morning, when worried civil servants found him in a hole dug in the back garden of 10 Downing Street.

Osborne was reportedly recovered in a semi-deranged state, ranting about how Iain Duncan Smith was the fault of Jeremy Corbyn.

During his disappearance, Osborne’s only sustenance is believed to have been a value pack of Coke and Larry the Downing Street cat, who was last seen by the PM on Friday morning.

Treasury officials have denied the chancellor has had an actual breakdown: “On Thursday evening the Chancellor left for an urgent hair cut appointment, and then began a meditative break to reconnect with nature here in the City of Westminster. Rejuvenated by his break the Chancellor looks forward to resuming work, just as soon as the fall-out from his shambolic budget fuck-up has blown over.”

Mr Osborne was unavailable for comment.

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George Osborne completes 27 cuts in 27 days

George Osborne has today completed a total of 27 cuts in just 27 days.

The Chancellor ended his exertions under a statue of Rhodes in Oxford. “It was very, very tough. The 27 cuts were intended to reflect the 27 years Mr Mandela spent in jail before becoming South Africa’s worst president.”

Osborne’s endurance feat has cut more than £1.35 billion and the 2016 Tory Tax Relief total now stands at £56 billion.

Over the course of the 27 cuts he battled eating too much caviar, complaining about a noisy Top Gear Episode being filmed outside, and a desire to laugh at disabled people.

He was also forced to avoid a scheduled cut on the fifth day of the challenge, which meant he had to make two cuts on the final day.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” said a very tired Osborne. “Thank you to everyone who voted Tory, and don’t do this at home.”

Jim Davidson, Rebekkah Brooks and Mike Reid are among those who tweeted their congratulations.

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Stephen Crabb under fire over links to ‘Tory cure’ group

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Stephen Crabb has come under intense fire over his links to a fundamentalist Christian group that believes holding Conservative political ideals is a perversion that can be ‘cured’.

The Christian Action Research and Education group (CARE), with whom the hard-right MP for Preseli Pembrokeshire began his political career, claims that Tories are ‘politically broken’ and that they can become ‘ex-Tory’ through a combination of prayer and brainwashing.

His appointment by David Cameron to the position of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has raised eyebrows in some quarters, not least because the fundamentalist MP recently voted in favour of asset-stripping the disabled for the benefit of high earners.

Speaking to the press last night, Mr Crabb said: “My predecessor at the Department of Work and Pensions should be proud of his record of waging war on the disabled, the sick, and the unemployed. I hope to bring the same hatred and thoughtlessness to the role.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have cruel policies to roll out against the disabled.”

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