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Tories accuse others of being Hitler and fail to see the irony

Extreme-right politicians who have recently made ludicrous comparisons to Hitler and the Nazis have also failed to realise the irony, it has emerged.

One Tory politician, Boris Johnson, has even been diagnosed with ‘Hitler Tourettes’ by medical professionals after a series of bizarre outbursts which culminated in the claims that “the European Union is Hitler” and that he would be “a wonderfully British Hitler” if he were to become UK Prime Minister.

However, Mr Johnson’s claims were immediately rejected by Prime Minister David Cameron, who said that “wanting to leave the EU is like being ISIS and Stalin and Hitler all at the same time”.

When asked whether he recognises the unintended irony in his statement, Mr Cameron said: “I have completely failed to see the irony in it, yes.”

“Moreover, I have utterly failed to see the irony in my accusation that Jeremy Corbyn is a terrorist sympathiser, an accusation I made just a few months after I proposed giving air support to help terrorists in Syria.”

“What’s more, I have also missed the obvious irony in accusing Labour of being anti-semitic, when I am in fact leader of a hard-right party that is crammed full of racists and bigots.”

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I’m a modern day Churchill fighting against Hitler, Suggests Jeremy Hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has today claimed his battle with the entire medical profession and the vast majority of the British public is ‘like being Winston Churchill fighting against Hitler’.

Mr Hunt told Newsnight: “I’m battling for Britain against doctors, against nurses and against patients, and I imagine this is how Winston Churchill felt at the height of the Battle of Britain, facing down the overwhelming odds of Hitler’s Nazi war machine.”

“When I wrote my book about how I would go about dismantling the NHS, I was absolutely clear that I am passionate about making the NHS work for those earning £100,000 a year or more, and for shareholders in the private medical industry, and this is exactly the aim of my demented plans for NHS reform.”

Commenting on the ongoing dispute between NHS staff and the Government, Boris Johnson said: “When I become Prime Minister of a fully independent United Kingdom, I will immediately abolish the National Health Service, or the ‘National Hitler Service’ as me and my Eton chums often call it, because it penalises those with vast inherited wealth like me, David Cameron, George Osborne, and many other Conservative MPs.”

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Electoral fraud made necessary by anti-Tory bias of public, says David Cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron has today defended his party’s massive electoral fraud as a necessary measure to counteract the anti-Tory bias of the voting public.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, Mr Cameron said: “What we have is a voting public who by-and-large do not like the ideals of the selfish shits who populate the Conservative Party.”

“This represents a hugely unfair bias against our party, and it is only right that we should try to redress this problem using premeditated and carefully orchestrated electoral fraud.”

“Together with substantial help from several of our friends who own right-wing media corporations, we were able to fool enough people into voting Conservative for us to obtain a Parliamentary majority, despite this being to the detriment of the overwhelming majority of the British people.”

Asked about the recent right-wing ‘coup’ taking place in Brazil, the Prime Minister said: “Due to the inherent global bias against parties like ours which work only for the 1 per cent, the hard-right need to find ever more elaborate ways to seize power. I congratulate the Brazilian hard-right for imposing themselves on the people of Brazil and for their immediate implementation of Osbornian austerity policies which target the poorest and most vulnerable.”

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All your problems will cease to exist after Brexit, say Brexit campaigners

Each and every problem that people face in everyday life will immediately disappear if Britain votes to leave the European Union, according a leaflet issued by pro-Brexit campaigners.

The 14745 page leaflet gives an exhaustive list of problems that will cease to exist after Brexit, including ‘being unable to open a carrier bag without using saliva’, ‘ingrowing toenails’, and ‘the presence of Noel Edmonds on television at Christmas’.

Speaking to Sky News after the leaflet was launched, Nigel Farage said: “There’s no real evidence for it, but it’s a scientific fact that everything that’s bad or problematic in this country is caused by foreigners and the European Union.”

“I urge people with little or no grasp on reality to vote for Brexit against their own best interest, and I promise quite categorically that all your wildest dreams will then come true.”

Brexit campaigners have also claimed that once Britain leaves the EU, the significant subset of the public who are bigoted or racist will no longer have to see foreigners, Muslims, or people with brown skin.

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David Cameron overheard calling himself ‘fantastically corrupt’

David Cameron’s description of himself as “fantastically corrupt” has been branded “unfair” and “embarrassing” by leaders of Nigeria and Afghanistan, both of whom claim to be at least 50 per cent more corrupt than Mr Cameron.

The Prime Minister was caught on camera making the unflattering remark about himself during a conversation with the Queen ahead of an ironic anti-corruption summit he is hosting in London.

Later that day, a spokesman for the David Cameron told reporters: “The Prime Minister is fiercely proud of his record of global corruption and tax dodging, and believes his expertise in this area is second to none.”

“David considers corruption to be ‘fantastic’ only in the sense that it allows unscrupulous elected officials to covertly generate fantastic levels of personal wealth, which until recently could be easily hidden in offshore tax avoidance schemes in tax havens such as Panama.”

“However, the Prime Minister wishes to clarify that any corruption he may be suspected of, be this now in the future, has been carried out purely for research purposes, and the money is merely resting in his offshore accounts.”

 

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Our Lord Jesus Christ would support Tory austerity, claims Stephen Crabb

Jesus Christ would agree with the cruel austerity policies of the Conservative Government, Stephen Crabb has claimed.

Speaking during David Cameron’s international conference on ‘How to Increase the Suffering of the Poorest in Society While Pretending to Make the World a Better Place’, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “Our Lord Jesus Christ would totally have given approval to our government’s vindictive austerity policies.”

“Jesus himself lived without possessions, setting an example of austerity which we are now trying to impose on the working poor and the unemployed, much to their detriment.”

“Among the most relevant messages in the Bible is how God created us sick and commanded us to be well, much like the Fitness to Work assessments which have seen the severely ill and disabled commanded to heal themselves or regrow missing limbs, under threat of sanctions, starvation and certain death.”

“Jesus showed us there is virtue in suffering and starvation, for at the end of his life Christ was hounded by the authorities, before being tortured to death by cruel government officials. Much like my Government Department is trying to do to the poor, vulnerable and disabled in Britain today.”

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Pro-Tory BBC bias is acceptable because it harms Corbyn, says Labour’s Ben Bradshaw

Labour’s Ben Bradshaw has argued that it is totally acceptable for the BBC to be extremely biased against Labour, because it damages party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking to Newscrasher last night, the Blairite  Member of Parliament for Exeter said: “I’m intensely relaxed about the huge pro-government bias in the BBC’s political and news coverage, because it does significant harm to Jeremy Corbyn.”

“This is a man with highly dangerous ideas about properly funded public services and making the rich pay their fair share of tax, which are just two of the hard left ideas Labour needs to reject if it wants to become a second Tory party, like we were during the Blair years.”

Mr Bradshaw continued: “Jeremy Corbyn is just too principled, and as such is getting in the way of those of us who stand for nothing except election. As a career politician with little interest in making the country work better for the poor and vulnerable, I’m hoping that through a combination of BBC bias and Blairite treachery, we will soon oust Corbyn and seize control of the party from the ill-advised Trots and Communists who oppose Tory austerity and the dismantling of the NHS.”

When asked whether Jeemy Corbyn should be given credit for Labour’s performance in the London and local elections, he said: “Labour’s good performance in local elections last week was all down to me, Ben Bradshaw, and had nothing whatsoever to do with Jeremy Corbyn. However, had Labour not done very well then I would have totally blamed it all on Jeremy.”

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My critics are trying to overthrow the government and may be antisemitic, says Laura Kuennssberg

As the row over alleged pro-Conservative bias at the BBC continues, Chief Political Editor Laura Kuenssberg has responded to criticism by suggesting her critics are ‘trying to overthrow the government’ and ‘may be antisemitic’.

Mrs. Kuenssberg’s comments come amid mounting pressure for her to be sacked by the BBC, over the hard-right political bias she is alleged to have imposed on the BBC’s news and political programming.

Speaking to the Sun yesterday, Kuenssberg said: “To call for the sacking of the Chief Political Editor of the state broadcaster, who is also a close friend of Prime Minister David Cameron, is tantamount to trying to overthrow the government. Because I am a women, it is also sexist. And it may also be antisemitic as well.”

“I strongly deny all accusations of systematic bias in support of the Conservative Government. As evidence of my impartiality, I would like to remind people that I have repeatedly singled out Jeremy Corbyn for criticism, often magnifying very minor issues into supposedly major problems, while ignoring much larger scandals involving the Tories. This, I believe shows I have always acted with utmost integrity and without any political bias whatsoever.”

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Laura Kuenssberg wins BAFTA for portrayal of BBC journalist with zero integrity

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has been awarded a BAFTA for best actress, in recognition of her highly realistic portrayal of a BBC political editor who has zero professional integrity.

Because many BAFTA winners were expected to use their acceptance speeches to criticise the Tories and the strong pro-government bias of the BBC, the Prime Minister ordered the BBC to mute the microphone for all recipients except for Laura Kuenssberg, to whose speech the BBC was ordered to allocate a full 2 hours.

As expected, Mrs. Kuenssberg used her speech to praise her personal heroes David Cameron and John Mann, but the majority of her speech was spent ‘in character’ attacking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn for things that aren’t actually true.

“David Cameron asked me to say that Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security, not just because he’s radicalising people into voting, but also because he’s radicalising people into voting against the democratically elected Conservative government.”

“As a hard-core right winger, I believe that lifting people out of poverty, including children, is dangerous and puts British lives at risk through an increased threat of terrorism from extremists, some of whom Jeremy has shared a platform in any number of railway or tube stations.”

“Jeremy needs to accept the democratic will of the people who have chosen perpetual Conservative rule after a barrage of lies, dirty tricks and naked propaganda from the right wing press.”

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