The Home Secretary Theresa May has today sought to reassure middle-aged Daily Mail readers that Brexit is not 100 per cent necessary to achieve her planned ‘complete enslavement’ of the working age population.

Mrs May’s proposal represents a significant escalation in the arms-race between the hard-right MPs on either side of the Brexit divide. In recent weeks a number of anti-EU figures have argued that only by leaving the EU would it be possible to scrap the ‘failing’ NHS, or to replace all human rights with a ‘bill of obligations’.

The Home Secretary told reporters: “The prevailing opinion among those who currently enjoy comfortable retirements, or who are of working age and earn £100,000 or more, is that the government needs to crack down on the lifestyle choice to be of working age and earning less than £100,000 a year.”

“This feckless demographic caused the sub-prime crash in the USA and the global recession that followed, with overt collaboration from the terrorist-sympathising Labour Party. Therefore, it is only fair that people of working age who earn less than £100,000 a year should be made to pay for the terrorist damage they have done to the livelihoods of the very wealthy and retired, who were hit especially hard by slower than hoped rises in house prices.”

“And that is why if I become Conservative Party leader, I will make sure workers below the new retirement age of 100 who choose to earn less than £100,000 a year will have all human rights removed, and will be made to pay reparations to the retired and wealthy via a 60 % tax rate on all taxable income.”

In recent months the Home Secretary has gained a reputation for hard hitting and unorthodox political manoeuvres, such as her recent attendance at Parliament in the nude to reinforce her ‘nothing to hide, nothing to fear’ point.

Mrs May added: “It is true that my husband has made very large capital gains thanks to decisions I made as Home Secretary that were entirely impartial, and the financial consequences my decisions were totally unforeseen by either of us. Despite the widespread rumours suggesting otherwise, I maintain I have done nothing wrong in giving highly lucrative contracts to a company in which my husband is a major shareholder.”

Syrian President Bashar al Assad is rumoured to be overjoyed at the news that he is now more popular than high profile minister of the UK government Jeremy Hunt, despite the fact that he has murdered tens of thousands of Syrian women and children and sent millions of refugees fleeing from their homes.

The cruel dictator is understood to be impressed with the Health Secretary’s extensive expertise in causing misery, ill-health and death among the public, and it is an open secret that Mr Hunt is currently in talks concerning an advisory role within the Assad regime.

President Assad said: “Here is a man who enjoys inflicting widespread death and suffering on his own people, and I very much look forward to collaborating with him here in Syria in the very near future.”

A spokesman for Jeremy Hunt told Newscrasher: “Jeremy has always been clear that his overall goal as Health Secretary is to dismantle the NHS and generally ruin the lives of the little people for personal financial gain.”

“The Assad regime is correct to recognise Jeremy’s expertise in this area, and although the details are yet to be finalised, Jeremy feels Syria represents an excellent opportunity to enrich himself via government sponsored genocide and suffering.”

Prominent Euroskeptic MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has moved to reassure undecided voters that the Tories will still be able to dismantle the National Health Service if the UK leaves the European Union.

Recent polls suggest that those earning £100,000 or more are worried that any money saved from quitting the EU will simply be reinvested into important public services like the NHS, instead of being surreptitiously channeled into the bank accounts of the wealthy.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Conservative MP for North East Somerset outlined his vision for the UK outside of Europe: “The National Health Service is, in my mind, one of the great millstones around the neck of our once great nation, and it must be dismantled before it drains the excessive personal wealth of spivs like me.”

“It is my long held belief that only by freeing ourselves from the shackles of the EU will we be able to move forward and dismantle all public services, and abolish every last human right.”

“Once we trick the little people in sufficient numbers to vote for Brexit, the ruling elite will then need to show substantial resolve, for it is absolutely crucial that any savings on our EU membership are passed on to the most needy and deserving, particularly those earning at least £100,000, or those with assets worth more than £500,000.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron has provoked anger by arguing that today’s strike by junior doctors are ‘terrorist sympathisers’.

Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”

“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”

The hard right PM is said to be keen to associate any and all of his political opponents with terrorism, so that the public will support his plans to sell off the NHS and crush the poor and disabled.

Home Secretary Theresa May added: “Those earning £100,000 or more, or who are now enjoying a comfortable retirement, can rest assured that industrial action will soon be a thing of the past, regardless of whether we choose to leave or remain in the EU.”

“Our newly created hard-right Blueshirt militia, outsourced to G4S, will be instrumental in our anti industrial action crackdown on potential terrorist sympathisers and their Labour collaborators.”

A number of Conservative MPs have today complained about the recent above-inflation increase in the price of class A drugs, and have called for the Government to intervene in the narcotics market to ensure cocaine and other substances are affordable.

In an open letter published in the Daily Telegraph, a group of 38 Conservative MPs demanded action to tackle what they have called “the spiraling cost of the Class A drugs that are an essential part of right-wing parliamentary business”. Suggested measures include making drug expenses tax-deductible, providing an allowance for MP and Lords specifically for the purchase of drugs, or provision of subsidized drugs in Parliament.

Although not among the signatories of the letter, Chancellor George Osborne told reporters: “Even with the recent rise in my ministerial salary I am no longer able to afford a kilo of coke per month, unless I cut down other essentials like prostitutes or Champagne.”

Mr Osborne added: “Fortunately for myself and a number of other Conservative MPs, the recent influx of prostitutes from Central and Eastern Europe has significantly depressed wages in the sex industry, to some extent mitigating the price increase of other essentials.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has received a further boost to his popularity after former Prime Minister Tony Blair launched yet another attack in the media.

Mr Blair told the Sun: “Corbyn is a dangerous man. A general election victory for Jeremy Corbyn would be disastrous for Iraq war criminals like me, and also for the super rich.”

However, the former Labour Leader’s comments backfired spectacularly, due in part to being complete and utter bollocks. Blair’s surprisingly clumsy intervention is seen by many as a last ditch effort to rally right-wing Labour MPs for a leadership challenge, and is likely to have adversely affected public opinion of the right of the party.

A spokesman for the Labour leader told Newscrasher: “We thank Mr Blair for taking time out from his busy schedule of accumulating extraordinary levels of personal wealth to share his opinions with us.“

“Jeremy looks forward to discussing a range of important matters with Tony at the Hague War Crimes Tribunal, immediately after the 2020 general election.”

As crowds gather in central London and across the country to demand his resignation over his tax dodging, the hard right Prime Minister has signaled his intention to remain in office indefinitely.

Laughing off widespread calls for his resignation, Mr Cameron said: “Who do these plebs think they are? I’ve done nothing wrong, and I will never resign. I absolutely will not.”

“President Robert Mugabe, a great hero of mine, wouldn’t resign over something as trivial as potentially illegal tax irregularities, so why should I? Mugabe would never give in to treason or terrorism like this, and neither will I.”

“And that is why my Government will be rushing through the Patriotic Democracy Bill, without allowing MPs or the Lords to have a vote, in order to provide the legal framework for me to stay on at Number 10 indefinitely.”

“As PM for life, I will be able to see through our long term economic plan to its final solution. Not only will I ensure a reduction in the deficit of at least 5 per cent by the year 2039, I will also make sure hard working families on £100,000 or more have access to world class privatized public services.”