MPs left stunned as fully nude Theresa May debates snooper’s charter

MPs were left stunned today as Home Secretary Theresa May opted to go fully nude during a parliamentary debate on the new investigatory powers bill.

Speaking about new legislation that will allow the state to intrude on the privacy of every man, woman and child in Britain Mrs May said: “The threat of terrorism posed by jihadis and the Labour Party can only be defeated by placing everybody under 24 hour surveillance. That is why I stand before you, completely naked, with nothing whatsoever to hide, and thus nothing to fear.”

Speaking outside Parliament, Labour MP Harriet Harman described the Home Secretary’s nude speech as “daring and inspirational, an example to us all.”

However, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron labeled it a “cheap stunt designed to deflect attention” from what he claimed is “the sinister totalitarian agenda of the Home Secretary.”


People thank me for stopping their benefits, says Iain Duncan Smith

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has today claimed that 75% of people who’ve suffered benefit sanctions thanked him personally for “helping them focus and get on.”

Mr Duncan Smith said: “One man came up me who said he’d been in a wheelchair. He hadn’t had use of his legs since 1998, but when DWP staff tricked him into losing his benefits, this helped him focus and he told me how he’d subsequently adopted a Bruce Lee style training plan that enabled him to grow his legs back again.”

“Now he not only walks, but is a black belt at Karate.”

“Every day I am humbled,” added Duncan Smith, “at the love and affection given to me by the disabled. Some even ask me for their autograph and there’s nothing more moving than posing for a selfie with a formerly disabled person who grew their legs back and can now stand up. It’s all thanks to me!


Tories to raise retirement age to 100

Amid the general melee of the EU referendum campaigning, the Government have today attempted to bury yet more bad news. In a low key briefing, it was announced that the retirement age is to be raised to 100.

At a sparsely attended press conference, Minister of State for Employment Priti Patel said: “I have always agreed with Iain Duncan Smith and Adolf Hitler that works sets you free. And by raising the retirement age to 100, we will be able to free pensioners from reliance on handouts from hard working people, in addition to freeing those earning more than £100,000, who will see substantial tax cuts due to the resulting savings.”

“Whilst it is only fair that today’s hardworking pensioners get the retirement they deserve, today’s young are feckless and retirement would clearly destroy the motivation and innovation of the elderly to vote Conservative.”

“The Government has launched an independent review of the retirement age, and we are sure that the authors of the report, all loyal retired senior civil servants, will conclude from the available evidence that our plan is absolutely correct.”

Sniping at Corbyn more important than smashing Tories, says Jess Phillips

Firebrand moderate Labour MP Jess Phillips has repeated her calls for Blairite Labour MPs to stay the course in their campaign of sniping against left wing Jeremy Corbyn.

Ms Phillips, who is tipped to depose  the current Labour leader  warned: “Labour members and the voting public may find Jeremy Corbyn’s policies hugely attractive, People’s Chancellor John McDonnell may be doing a great job, and all this under a sustained campaign of media monstering.”

“Admittedly, it’s hard to find fault with Jeremy. But despite being elected to parliament many times during his career in politics, and despite also being elected to party leader in a landslide, my concern is he just isn’t electable. There’s no real evidence for it, but it’s an established fact.”

“Look, in an ideal world Labour would oppose Tory benefit cuts, would fight for better public services, and would push for fair redistribution of wealth and resources. But it just isn’t realistic to think we’d be able to win a general election on this kind of idealistic platform. Our only chance is to betray our support base and copy the Tories.”

“I believe moving Labour to the right would be entirely justified. I have always argued that Labour caused the global banking crisis and the ensuing recession, and by voting Labour in 1997 the poor and disabled are directly responsible for that, so it’s only fair that they should now pay with benefit cuts.”

“The reality now is that we must not allow a left wing Labour leader have a clear run at winning the local or general elections, mainly because the resulting improvement in the lives of tens of millions of the poorest Britons would be disastrous for those on middle and high incomes, but also because we need to perpetuate the myth that only Blairites can oppose the Tories or win general elections.”

“That is why I and others have, from the very beginning, waged a war of backstabbing, front-stabbing or any-stabbing against Corbyn and Momentum, to make quite sure Her Majesty’s Opposition is seen to be divided and continuously in an internal crisis.”

“Because if there’s one thing worse than seeing the Tories win, it’s seeing a genuinely left wing Labour Party get in.”


George Osborne to buy smoke machines from EDF to create a long-term economic smoke screen

Right wing Chancellor George Osborne has announced it is the Treasury’s intention to buy an undisclosed quantity of smoke machines from EDF, to create what he called “a long term economic smoke screen.”
Paying twice the market value, Osborne insisted that the untested technology would prove valuable to the British economy in producing record numbers of the unemployed.
He told Newscrasher: “As the conservative party has long believed, unemployment is a price worth paying, and I am confident that our Chinese partners will be as enthusiastic about the long-term economic smoke screen as we are.”
The chancellor refused to comment on press reports that China is actually in recession.

G4S to sell juvenile prison to McDonalds

G4S is to sell its Medway juvenile prison to fast food giant McDonalds, it has been announced today. A spokeswoman for G4S said the Medway Secure Training Centre in Kent had seen a fall in profitability due to a recent spate of violence by guards and inmates.

A McDonalds spokesman, speaking exclusively to Newscrasher claimed “for decades we have been renowned for our high quality food that contains important nutritional elements such as water, for our educational projects with children thanks to plastic toy film tie-ins, and Ronald McDonald, an icon among the young. This move into the prison sector is a welcome diversification of our business, and is expected to further enhance our share of the fast-food market.”

“Not only will the inmates be able to enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner carefully selected by us from the McDonalds menu, they will also enjoy paying their way by working within an adjoining McDonalds restaurant and drive-thru, to be constructed at the expense of the taxpayer.”

The news has been welcomed by Home Secretary Theresa May, whose husband Philip bought a substantial shareholding in McDonalds last week.


Rename SNP to Scottish National Socialist Party insists Salmond

Former First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has demanded the SNP be renamed the “Scottish National Socialist Party” to outflank Labour, which is currently undergoing a left wing resurgence under left winger Jeremy Corbyn.

Professor Salmond said: “We say the SNP are a left wing or socialist party, but the reality is we don’t actually have any real left wing policies, and this is a problem for the party.”

The former First Minister explained: “With Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party now tacking to the left, we need to find a way to outflank them without upsetting our moderate middle class support base, who enjoy lavish spending at the expense of the poor.”

“The best way we can achieve this is to include the word ‘socialist’ in the name of our party. If this kind of trickery can work for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, then it can sure as fuck work for us.”

Current leader of the SNP Nicola Sturgeon was famously unable to name any SNP policies that redistribute from the wealthy to the poor, despite repeated claims that the party is left wing.

First Minister Sturgeon is said to have welcomed Mr Salmond’s comments, and intends to study the proposal.


My war on benefits is like second world war fight against Hitler, says Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to continue his war on benefits despite stiff resistance from the Lords, likening it to the struggle against Adolf Hitler during the second world war.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State said he wanted to “end the virtual slavery of benefit dependence and replace it with actual slavery.”

Continuing, former Conservative leader said: “I’m battling for Britain against the benefits culture that blights the lives of millions of hard working taxpayers, particularly those earning £100,000 or more, much like we battled for Britain against Hitler and his socialist regime during the second world war.”

When asked whether those on the left who oppose his policies are the devil incarnate, Mr Duncan Smith replied: “Yes, and their humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.”

Alluding to a recent News Crasher campaign to have Mr Duncan Smith prosecuted, he added: “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”


Disbelief as pro cyclist discovered not cheating

Today the cycling world was rocked by fresh allegations about mechanical doping on the pro racing scene.

According to a leaked report seen by Newscrasher, the UCI has uncovered damning evidence that a well known member of a UK-based professional cycling team has been discovered to not be using mechanical or conventional doping.

Doping has long been practised by athletes looking for a competitive advantage and is relatively easy to detect. But recent advances in battery technology have made it possible to fit compact electrical motors inside competition bicycles, freeing cyclists from the hassle of having to prepare and take drugs ahead of races, and a number of well known cyclists register extraordinary performances using mechanical doping.

However, the revelation that some professional cyclists are shunning mechanical doping will send shock waves through the cycling community, and we can expect serious questions to be asked in the coming days regarding how this unsporting behaviour can be detected and discouraged, in order to maintain a level playing field in this sport.


Michael Gove launches campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses

Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has today launched a campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses.

Mr Gove told reporters: “My visionary Clean for the Queen scheme is a call to arms for the common man to solve two problems: the homelessness life style choice, and the lack of funding for street cleaners due to local government inefficiency. I believe inside every homeless person is an aspirational conservative voter trying to get out, and I believe powerful fire hoses will motivate them to get up, get off benefits and into a job.”

The fire hose solution was first mooted by the Justice Secretary’s political hero and then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was eventually talked out of it by her then Home Secretary Douglas Hurd.

During the subsequent photo-call, Mr Gove mucked in with anti homeless conservative volunteers, where he hosed passerby Jeremy, aged 66, from Islington who had been mistaken for a tramp due to his lack of Savile Row tailoring.

Unfortunately, several members of the public mistook Gove for something else, and an attempt was made to deposit him in a nearby dog waste bin before he squirmed free shouting “it’s me Michael, I’m from the government.”


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