Train operators welcome National Rail Refund Day

Next Tuesday is rail refund day, where passengers have the annual chance to collect a rail refund.

As stated in section 91827(a) paragraph 16 of the terms and Conditions of Carriage, passengers may obtain a refund between 2.15 AM and 2.16 AM next Tuesday morning from a single designated customer service window at Penzance.

This national service is provided to rail passengers on condition that they bring with them no less than 6 different photo IDs, along with a serial number of the ticket machine they bought the original ticket from, and a description of the weather that day for verification purposes.

The refund period has been welcomed by the train operating companies who claim it heralds a new openness towards customers, following criticism last year that refunds were only available from the ticket office on the shetland islands, which have no train station.

Customers no longer have to bring six pints of blood from their first born child.

Cut in disability benefit equal to Cabinet drug and prostitution budget increase

The savings from George Osborne’s proposed £30 a week cut to disability benefits is exactly equal to the proposed increase in the Cabinet’s drug and prostitution budget, the Institute for Taxation and Expenditure Studies (ITES) has found.

It has long been an open secret that a minority of MPs sometimes partake in the use of illegal drugs and prostitution, but its explicit inclusion in the 2016 budget will be seen by many observers as a tacit acknowledgement of that fact.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has called the move “a political master-stroke by the greatest UK Chancellor of all time” and a sign of Osborne’s “commitment to transparency and liberal ideals, akin to the abolition of slavery.”

Former Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: “After I stabbed Liberal Democrat voters in the back and took our party into the Conservative-led Coalition government in 2010, I was utterly horrified to see that recreational drugs and prostitution were rife during our Cabinet meetings.”

“However, I didn’t bother to speak out about this or any of the other evil shit the Tories did. Well, not until the Tories were safely installed in government with a majority, and my party’s electoral chances were left in ruins.”

Despite continued speculation in some sections of the media over the details, the quantity and type of prostitutes and illicit drugs are not stated in the Budget documentation, nor are the names of those who would participate.

A government spokesman declined to comment directly on the claims, but told Newscrasher: “Sometimes it is necessary to include contingency expenses in the budget to pay potential expenses that may end up being necessary for the smooth running of government.”


Blairite fury over Corbyn poll boost

A number of right-wing Blairite MPs have voiced outrage over the rising popularity of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, after several polls suggested he is now more popular than hard-right Prime Minister David Cameron.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Corbyn’s rising popularity is a fucking disaster for those of us who broadly agree with Tory austerity.”

“It just isn’t realistic to think that Labour could win a general election on a platform of getting the wealthy to pay their fair share of tax, and using the money to improve the lives of the poor. With Corbyn at the helm, the party is totally unelectable as far as voters earning £100,000 or more are concerned. ”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former Labour Prime Minister said: “Jeremy’s a nice guy and probably means well, but Alastair and I feel he just doesn’t have what it takes on defence. He probably hasn’t even got the guts to start an illegal war, causing millions of civilian deaths and plunging an entire region into turmoil.”

Speaking about tentative plans to topple Corbyn, another Labour MP said: “Our attempts to damage Corbyn’s credibility with continuous leaks and back-stabbing in the media haven’t been effective, so it’s now time to stab him in the front.”

“Jeremy needs to understand that left wing ideals and skateboarding are exactly the same thing. Having a long-held belief in improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, to be paid for by taxing the rich, is like saying: ‘I’m going to skateboard until I die.’ It’s just ridiculous. Grow up!”


Poll: Should Stephen Crabb be prosecuted?

Few would disagree that new Secretary of State for Work and Pensions is implementing a number of policies that will be hugely detrimental to those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

Some have even gone as far as to argue that a number of the policies are an abuse of human rights, with suggestions that tens of thousands of premature deaths may result.

Should Stephen Crabb face investigation and prosecution for what he’s doing? You decide.


Osborne discovered hiding in a hole with Coke and a half-eaten cat

After several days missing, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has been found alive and well, much to the relief of a vanishingly small number of people.

Mr Osborne left 11 Downing Street on Thursday citing an ‘urgent hair-cut appointment’ and was not seen until this morning, when worried civil servants found him in a hole dug in the back garden of 10 Downing Street.

Osborne was reportedly recovered in a semi-deranged state, ranting about how Iain Duncan Smith was the fault of Jeremy Corbyn.

During his disappearance, Osborne’s only sustenance is believed to have been a value pack of Coke and Larry the Downing Street cat, who was last seen by the PM on Friday morning.

Treasury officials have denied the chancellor has had an actual breakdown: “On Thursday evening the Chancellor left for an urgent hair cut appointment, and then began a meditative break to reconnect with nature here in the City of Westminster. Rejuvenated by his break the Chancellor looks forward to resuming work, just as soon as the fall-out from his shambolic budget fuck-up has blown over.”

Mr Osborne was unavailable for comment.


George Osborne completes 27 cuts in 27 days

George Osborne has today completed a total of 27 cuts in just 27 days.

The Chancellor ended his exertions under a statue of Rhodes in Oxford. “It was very, very tough. The 27 cuts were intended to reflect the 27 years Mr Mandela spent in jail before becoming South Africa’s worst president.”

Osborne’s endurance feat has cut more than £1.35 billion and the 2016 Tory Tax Relief total now stands at £56 billion.

Over the course of the 27 cuts he battled eating too much caviar, complaining about a noisy Top Gear Episode being filmed outside, and a desire to laugh at disabled people.

He was also forced to avoid a scheduled cut on the fifth day of the challenge, which meant he had to make two cuts on the final day.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” said a very tired Osborne. “Thank you to everyone who voted Tory, and don’t do this at home.”

Jim Davidson, Rebekkah Brooks and Mike Reid are among those who tweeted their congratulations.


Stephen Crabb under fire over links to ‘Tory cure’ group

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Stephen Crabb has come under intense fire over his links to a fundamentalist Christian group that believes holding Conservative political ideals is a perversion that can be ‘cured’.

The Christian Action Research and Education group (CARE), with whom the hard-right MP for Preseli Pembrokeshire began his political career, claims that Tories are ‘politically broken’ and that they can become ‘ex-Tory’ through a combination of prayer and brainwashing.

His appointment by David Cameron to the position of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has raised eyebrows in some quarters, not least because the fundamentalist MP recently voted in favour of asset-stripping the disabled for the benefit of high earners.

Speaking to the press last night, Mr Crabb said: “My predecessor at the Department of Work and Pensions should be proud of his record of waging war on the disabled, the sick, and the unemployed. I hope to bring the same hatred and thoughtlessness to the role.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have cruel policies to roll out against the disabled.”


Iain Duncan Smith discovered conscience in the attic

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher about his decision to resign from the Department of Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith has explained how he found his conscience and abandoned his campaign of terror against those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

“For years i asked Betsy to see if she could find my conscience, and after a root around in the loft of our holiday home in the south of France, she found it discarded in a box that hadn’t been opened since 1991.”
“I opened it last night and the immediate warm glow made me realise what a complete bastard I’d been for all these years.”
“I can only apologise to all the disabled people I screwed over. I know that I caused thousands of deaths, but with my conscience now regained I can finally take a stand against David Cameron and back Jeremy Corbyn fully.”
“I look forward to the Labour party processing my application as soon as possible. Keep the red flag flying, comrades!”

Man who hounded the disabled and sick resigns because another man proposed doing more of the same

A member of the Conservative government who persistently hounded the disabled and sick over a period of years has today resigned because the Chancellor proposed hounding the sick and disabled in his new budget.

In his explosive resignation letter Mr Duncan Smith said: “I am unable to watch passively whilst certain policies are enacted in order to meet the fiscal self-imposed restraints that I believe are more and more perceived as distinctly political rather than in the national economic interest,”

“Too often my team and I have been pressured in the immediate run up to a budget or fiscal event to deliver yet more reductions to the working-age benefit bill.

“There has been too much emphasis on money-saving exercises and not enough awareness from the Treasury, in particular, that the government’s vision of a new welfare-to-work system could not be repeatedly salami-sliced.

“It is therefore with enormous regret that I have decided to resign.”

The pro-Conservative BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg said:”To be fair, George Osborne has an incredibly difficult job to do, and his redistribution of wealth from the poorest to the wealthiest is unquestionably the best course of action for the Chancellor to take.”


We just want to watch your future burn, say baby boomer parents

A couple from Surrey have taken time out from planning their third foreign holiday of the year to ponder the extent to which they would like to destroy the futures of their adult children.

Having enjoyed a lifetime of generous public services, good working conditions and affordable house prices, baby boomers Mr and Mrs Buswell believe they’ve earned the right to a comfortable retirement, funded by the feckless younger generations of today.

Mary, a former admin assistant, said: “We voted UKIP because that nice Mr Farage pledged to stop brown people coming into the country or getting benefits, but neither of us was particularly upset when the Tories won, because we knew they’d keep house prices sky high and would keep screwing over people who are young, poor or foreign.”

Faced with the momentous decision of which way to vote in the referendum on membership of the European Union the Buswells expect to carefully weigh-up the facts, before eventually succumbing to their prejudices about people who aren’t British or white.

Her husband Edward, a former soldier who also worked in the sewage processing industry, added: “On balance, we feel sticking two fingers up to all  foreigners everywhere must take precedence over trivial issues like the economic and social benefits of access to the common market or mutually beneficial cooperation with our European neighbours.”


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