The Chairman of the Conservative Party has called on Jeremy Corbyn to ‘take a stand’ against people who have ‘for too long’ been allowed to criticise Tory policies.
Chairman Brandon Lewis said: “Jeremy Corbyn must take a stand against far-left online trolls.”*
“With this piece of gaslighting, not only do we try to associate Jeremy Corbyn with so online abuse by private individuals who have no actual connection with Jeremy Corbyn, we also smear critics of my party’s cruel austerity policies as though they were hateful extremists.”
“There are still some potential Conservative voters out there whose lives my party still haven’t completely fucked, and it is almost inevitable that they will eventually hear criticism of our austerity policies from friends or relatives. When that happens, we need to ensure these precious voters are able to dismiss any complaints out of hand, with name calling, smears, and accusations of insufficient patriotism.”
“We need the public to believe we Tories are the innocent victims of cruel socialist bullies, whose criticism of our policy of mercilessly hounding the poor and disabled is actually abuse.”
* Note: this first quote is actually real, amazingly.
The rise in the use of food banks proves austerity is working, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.
Writing in the Sun, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions argues: “The poor have been living above their means for over a century now, and by pulling the plug on the welfare state my party has achieved a much needed redistribution of wealth, opportunities and health outcomes in favour of hard working rich people who don’t give a shit about those in need.”
“The fact that so many people now need to use food banks, despite being in full time employment, is a positive step towards a fairer Britain for hard working individuals who have inherited their wealth or who, like me, have married into a rich family.”
“Rising use of food banks is proof that our cruel austerity programme really is working as intended.”
“Some have suggested that some in the Conservative Party are racist bigots, but that is simply not true: We hate the poor of Britain just as much as the poor of Africa or anywhere else, and that proves we are not racist.”
The Tories are still the best people to manage the economy, according to a man whose life has just been ruined by the Tories.
Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “Despite causing year upon year of economic chaos which has resulted a substantial decrease in my standard of living, I still believe the Tories are the best at managing the economy because it’s something people say a lot.”
“And now that the Conservatives’ civil war over Europe led to the people voting to leave the EU against their own interests, we are experiencing yet another Tory omnishambles in the form of Brexit.”
“At first I thought the Tories were to blame for what they’ve done to this country, but thankfully the Daily Mail was there to inform me that none of the bad things that have happened since the referendum have anything to do with Brexit.”
“No, everything is the fault of remainers, or ‘remoaners’ as I like to call them (tee hee hee), and traitorous economists who refuse to think positive about Brexit and the incredible opportunities it presents for this now great country.
“Yes, it’s their fault but it’s nothing to do with Brexit.”
An anonymous Conservative told Newscrasher: “Our party has always done a fantastic job of managing the economy for the sole benefit of high net worth individuals who don’t like paying tax, while trying our hardest to make poor people’s lives as shit as possible.”
“The Brexit shitstorm provides the perfect camouflage for my party to push through all the hard right policies that Thatcher wanted to get done but was to scared to try. A mere two years from now there will be no welfare state except for pensioners, no NHS except for pensioners, and parents will be forced to pay thousands of pounds a year to send their children to a state school.”
“And the right wing media like the Sun and BBC will be there to brainwash enough of the poor into supporting it all.”
The secretary of state for education, Nicky Morgan, has today unveiled plans for children to pay their way through school. Factories are to be built on school playing fields, in which pupils would work to pay for their tuition.
Mrs Morgan said: “Our radical proposals are based on what voters up and down the country told us they wanted at the recent general election, and we are proud to bring British state education into the twelfth century. Families will have more choice in the education system than ever, and pupils will now be able to obtain significant vocation training to boost their career opportunities.”
A spokesperson for Mrs Morgan added: “Children will be able to choose from a variety of exciting and rewarding roles, from iPad assembly line operatives, to factory canteen staff, to telephone sanitizers, setting them in good stead for a lifetime of indentured labour for their wealthy overlords.”
It is understood that families will have the option to pay a £10,000 annual tuition fee if they choose full time education for their child, with the option to undergo work experience as a member of the board of directors.
Conservative member of parliament Priti Patel has today backed the death penalty for murderers earning less than £100,000 a year.
The MP for Witham, who has in the past professed admiration for Ayn Rand, told reporters: “Murder should never be an alternative to an honest day’s work, which is why I’m strongly in favour of a reintroduction of the death penalty for low-earners.”
“A £100,000 earnings cut-off would ensure the most important members of society are not executed, and would also provide a deterrent for the poor and workshy who would rather be housed in jail to save money.”
A spokesperson for the government, responding to our request for comment, told us: “Although this is not official policy, the government welcomes her contribution to the debate on how to get people off benefits.”
Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has provoked renewed outrage with a new proposal to privatise food banks. Private companies would be allowed to operate food banks for profit, conditional on the implementation of a strict regime of sanctions to be decided by DWP officials.
Food banks are not for profit organisations which provide food to those who are unable to buy sufficient food to avoid hunger or malnutrition — problems which are often the direct result of benefit cuts or sanctions.
G4S, expected to be among those preparing a bid to run food banks across the country, caused a furor last month when they published a report proposing that food bank users should be electronically tagged and should be made clearly identifiable by wearing a special badge.
A spokesperson for the DWP said: “Iain Duncan Smith is leading a revolution against welfare, and it’s essential that nothing stands in the way of the DWP’s plan to starve the sick, disabled and unemployed into a zero-hours contract at Poundland.”