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UK News

Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, say Blairites

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Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.

Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”

“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”

“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”

“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”

UK News

Tom Watson to launch inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’, including himself and all the Blairites

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Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson has launched an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ including himself and all the Blairites, it has emerged.

Mr Watson said: “With my minion Michael Dugher now investigating ways to censor independent left wing media outlets which have dared to expose acts of skullduggery by right wing infiltrators of the Labour Party, I thought it timely to launch an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’.”

“Unfortunately, there is a particular problem with right wing politicians who have infiltrated the Labour Party over a number of years, with the goal of turning it into just another Conservative party. Now that they’ve lost control, they are working tirelessly to ensure the party has no chance to succeed as long as it has a leader with any kind of left wing ideals.”

“Because they do not have anything useful to contribute to he debate on how to help make people’s live better, these ‘fake politicians’ use the right wing media to spread lies and misinformation, which can influence voters in such a way that they often end up voting against their own best interests.”

“It is of utmost importance that we now hold an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ such as me and all my Blairite co-conspirators, and then blame everything on The Canary, Evolve Politics, and of course Trotskyist arm-twisters like Jeremy Corbyn.”

UK News

Blairite fury over Corbyn poll boost

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A number of right-wing Blairite MPs have voiced outrage over the rising popularity of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, after several polls suggested he is now more popular than hard-right Prime Minister David Cameron.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Corbyn’s rising popularity is a fucking disaster for those of us who broadly agree with Tory austerity.”

“It just isn’t realistic to think that Labour could win a general election on a platform of getting the wealthy to pay their fair share of tax, and using the money to improve the lives of the poor. With Corbyn at the helm, the party is totally unelectable as far as voters earning £100,000 or more are concerned. ”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former Labour Prime Minister said: “Jeremy’s a nice guy and probably means well, but Alastair and I feel he just doesn’t have what it takes on defence. He probably hasn’t even got the guts to start an illegal war, causing millions of civilian deaths and plunging an entire region into turmoil.”

Speaking about tentative plans to topple Corbyn, another Labour MP said: “Our attempts to damage Corbyn’s credibility with continuous leaks and back-stabbing in the media haven’t been effective, so it’s now time to stab him in the front.”

“Jeremy needs to understand that left wing ideals and skateboarding are exactly the same thing. Having a long-held belief in improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, to be paid for by taxing the rich, is like saying: ‘I’m going to skateboard until I die.’ It’s just ridiculous. Grow up!”