Tag Archives: brexit

UK News

I’ve had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to Brexit, says Theresa May

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The Prime Minister has had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to the Brexit cause, the government has announced.

A spokesperson for dictator Theresa May said: “After seeing Syrian city of Aleppo being reduced to rubble by a series of abysmally bad decisions by the Syrian government, with the help of foreign powers and terrorist militias, she is now convinced that we should try something similar here in the United Kingdom. She calls it her Aleppan conversion to Brexit.”

“It’s like a Damascene conversion, only way more destructive.”

It is understood that although Mrs. May had initially been disinterested in leaving the EU, she soon recognised the possibilities Brexit presents for her to turn the UK into a dictatorship of the right, and to inducing mass unemployment and poverty.

Speaking to Sky News, May said: “Only from ruins can we build a new Jerusalem of smoggy factories, workshops, and child poverty.”

“And finally win our independence from the evil thrall of the Europeans who have dominated our country and ruled it as a colony for the past 42 years.”

UK News

Tories propose ‘youth tax’ to fund increase in pensioner benefits

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Senior back-bench Conservatives and Nigel Farage have called on the government to implement a tax on young people, to fund a massive increase in pensioner benefits during the massive recession that Brexit is expected to provoke.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “The increasing deficit and falling tax revenues are directly related to the failure of young people in this country to work hard enough.”

“Instead, they live a life of luxury in shared houses paying tiny amounts of rent, have meager student debts, and own iPhones. It’s now time to put an end to the lazy and feckless young.”

“I call on the government to introduce a ‘young person tax’ that will apply to anyone under the age of 40 who has not been to public school.”

“I would also like to see the creation of a volunteer service for young people. All under 40s would be required to volunteer for 5 hours a week in the households of over 60s, in order to help social cohesion.”

“Being forced to do tasks such as cooking, cleaning, gardening, and emptying adult nappies would teach the young the importance of taking responsibility for themselves.”

“It is also crucial that we place an immediate ban on the sale of iPhones to young people. This technology is a threat to national security, because it allows young people to complain about Brexit and share information about the Leave campaign’s lies and idiocy.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another Conservative MP and former chancellor who was once photographed with an alleged prostitute, said: “We Conservatives have long realized that the key for us to stay in government is to royally screw the young, on behalf of the older generations.”

“It is therefore vital that hardworking pensioners continue to be rewarded, at the expense of people of working age.”

“It’s actually a very simple scam. People of working age pay for pensions and social provisions for the older generations, who then decide they would like to live more comfortably, and so workers must be made poorer, or the young must be robbed of their future, or both.”

“What terrifies the establishment more than anything, even more than Brexit, is the day when the young experience a politically awakening and realise they are being f*cked over, and by whom.”

UK News

David Davis announces creation of Ministry of Silly Talks

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.

The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.

Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.

On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”

Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”

“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”

UK News

Scientists and experts can f*** off, say Leave voters

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Scientists and experts will not be welcome in post-Brexit Britain, Leave voters have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, who still believes Brexit will be a success, said: “When a minority of the electorate voted for Britain to leave the European Union, the nation stuck two fingers up at experts and people who know things.”

“This country squanders far too much money on vanity projects and pointless research. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believe this money could be better spent bombing other countries where brown people live, or researching how to keep the property market inflated to such an extent that the young will never be able to afford a house.”

“The sooner we can boot our lazy scientists off the EU gravy train the better. Let them get ordinary jobs, like a zero-hours contract at Sports Direct, where their education and training can go to waste.”

Leave campaigner and Michael Gove told the BBC: “The public have had enough of experts with their facts and rational thought.”

“What Britain wants is to be force-fed a seductive concoction of pure lies and hatred, and thereby be fooled into taking the monumentally stupid decision to leave the EU.”

“Now that we’ve cheated our way to victory in the referendum, the so-called ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ just need to stop talking-down Britain with their cynical fact-mongering.”

“It doesn’t matter one iota that we’re wrecking the economy or destroying our capability to do world-leading scientific research.  Taking back control is simply worth so much more, and I am one hundred per cent sure that an independent UK will reap all kinds of intangible benefits that none of us are able to specify.”

However, scientists are fighting back against the anti-intellectualist dogma. Astrophysicist Prof. Stephen Hawking recently caused controversy when he called for the European Space Agency to launch Gove, Johnson and Farage into the Cygnus X-1 black hole, calling them ‘a non-virialised cluster of supermassive arseholes’.

UK News

Our plan to make Britain ridiculous on world stage is a ‘great success’, announces PM

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By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

The government’s plan to make Britain look ridiculous on the world stage is a great success, Theresa May has announced.

The announcement comes after Prime Minister met with other leaders from G20 countries, all of whom basically laughed in her face over her ‘courageous decision’ to take the UK out of the European Union against the wishes of the majority of the public, against the wishes of the majority of MPs, and against the advice of the vast majority of academics and economists.

When a journalist asked whether she is really willing to completely destroy the British economy and how she feels about criticism from other world leaders, Mrs May explained that the ‘fingers in ears approach’, among the known symptoms of ‘Gove Disease‘, will serve her well in the coming months.

Watching at home on television, a baby boomer has castigated his adult son for not paying attention to the BBC’s coverage of the G20 summit. Without recognising the irony, leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Son, you should be watching this because it’s about YOUR future.”

“Of course, by this I mean the dystopian future of virtual slavery I chose for you and all your snowflake friends when I voted to leave the EU.”

“What the youth of today need is to be toughened-up by several decades of totally unnecessary poverty and hardship, while my generation enjoy a quite comfortable retirement with loads of benefits, and hang on to a substantial sum of equity in the house we bought at a rock bottom price in the 1970s or 1980s.”

“I will now proceed to act like it was my generation who fought and won the second world war and, therefore, that we have some kind of moral justification to put the younger generations through this latest round of pure shit.”

UK News

Theresa May CAN rule Britain as a Dictator, Theresa May has confirmed

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Theresa May has confirmed she will now rule Britain as a dictator, after lawyers gave her exactly the same legal opinion that she paid them to provide.

The Prime Minister said: “I have always believed that parliament doesn’t need to be consulted when making the most significant constitutional change in the history of our democracy, and finally I’ve found some lawyers willing to reach precisely the legal conclusions I want in exchange for money.”

“I am immensely proud to be the first female dictator to rule this once great country.”

“Even though the EU referendum was merely advisory and the vote was conducted on the basis of unadulterated lies, I’m going to use my newly decreed dictatorial powers to unilaterally invoke Article 50, against the wishes of the majority of MPs and the majority of the public.”

“There may be an outcry from members of the public whose brains have not yet been rotted by reality television. Such people represent a clear threat to national security, but do not worry, the Police State Act 2017 will deal with them.”

“Some of my critics have suggested that I’m a secret Brexiter, and cynically hid my intentions until I was safely installed as Prime Minister. I find that offensive – I’m much more cynical than that.”

“I don’t actually give a shit about Brexit. What interests me is that Brexit presents an incredible opportunity to seize power for myself, to sweep away all kinds of protections and human rights, and to abolish parliamentary democracy,” the prime minister added.

 

 

UK News

11 World leaders react to Boris. Number 4 is so true!

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The surprise appointment of pathological liar and complete tosser Boris Johnson to the role of Foreign Secretary sent shock waves through the international community, leaving many diplomats and leader unable to contain their anger and disbelief.

Below we show some of the very best reactions from world leaders:

President of France: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of Russia: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

Prime minister of Japan: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of China: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

Prime Minister of New Zealand: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

Prime minister of Spain: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of Portugal: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

Chancellor of Gemany: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of South Korea: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of Mexico: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

President of South Africa: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”

UK News

Theresa May in U-turn over nude PMQ appearance

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The Prime Minister has now abandoned all plans to attend Parliament fully nude, it has emerged.

Mrs. May is said to have told key allies of plans to rush through a raft of measures ranging from surveillance of what people do in their lavatories, to logging the preferred gender and body-type of those who view internet pornography, in order to fight terrorism and thought crime.

The Prime Minister was said to be very keen to make her argument as convincing as possible, and had planned to use the classic ‘if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear’ argument, all while standing completely nude at the dispatch box.

It is not clear when or why Theresa May backed away from her planned nude appearance in Parliament. However, an anonymous cabinet member has suggested that cost may have been an issue, with Mrs. May’s husband reportedly being unhappy at having to pay out for a significant makeover for his wife at a time when he is trying to increase his shareholding in several companies that are poised to take over the soon to be outsourced NHS and Trident nuclear deterrent.

UK News

Brexiteers demand invention of virtual reality headset which superimposes white people over foreigners

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By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

Government ministers have demanded the immediate invention of virtual reality headsets that can superimpose a realistic graphical representation of a white British person on top of any black, asian or foreign person they may meet in the street, it has emerged.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June the people clearly voted for Britain to go back to its racist past and kick out all foreigners and non-whites.”

“However, leaving the EU is going to take several years and the economy is going to be in the toilet for several decades or more as a result. But many Brexiters cannot wait that long due to being in their 60s or 70s.”

“Therefore, a radical solution is urgently needed, and the invention of a virtual reality headset will allow Leave voters to live in the surreal fantasy dream-world that they voted for.”

“In the coming days the government will put out to tender a contract to develop and manufacture a Brexit VR device which has advanced technological capabilities, such as flagging and masking the negative impact of Brexit on daily life, or replacing non-white or foreign people with high definition texture maps depicting British people of good Aryan stock.”

The professional liar added: “But most importantly, the on-board software will also auto-correct the shape of evil EU bananas, add raw sewage to British beaches, and place a Judeo-Christian style halo above the head of national saviour Sir Nigel Farage OBE.”

UK News

Brexiters demand end to ‘fact-mongering’

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Leading Brexiters who have not yet fled the country have today demanded an end to ‘fact-mongering’ about the economic and social impact of leaving the EU.

Michael Gove, a man insane enough to believe the UK would be better off after shooting itself in the foot, told Newscrasher: “The vote to leave the European Union is a glorious victory for oddball, privately educated Conservative politicians who believe the UK would be better off as an isolated island trading only with itself.”

“But our joy soon turned to grief as unpatriotic media outlets began to ‘fact-monger’ about the immediate negative effects of leaving the EU. Their despicable fact-mongering activity includes reporting on the massive collapse in a variety of business sectors, a plunge in the value of the Pound, and a high likelihood of thousands of job-losses.”

“The continued presence of ‘Project Fact’ is completely unacceptable, and if elected Conservative leader I will immediately outlaw fact-based argumentation in political debates, and I will also make it a legal requirement for school children to be taught both sides of the Brexit controversy.”

Conservative leadership hopeful Andrea Leadsom, who is just as fucking awful, added: “Now that the referendum is over and the British economy is in free-fall, it is treasonous and irresponsible for politicians, experts, and sections of the media to report the facts of what is happening, especially without giving equal time to the ludicrous fantasy version that I and other pro-Brexit idiots would have people believe.”