Tag Archives: brexit

UK News

Stop pestering me about the fucking NHS, says Theresa May

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By Horace McSavage

Theresa May has sensationally lost her temper at the repeated questions from journalists about the perilous state of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

The PM, during an appearance on breakfast TV, denied that the NHS was her responsibility and blamed just about everybody for the perilous state of the NHS, except her government: “It’s the fault of all the foreigners that the previous Labour governments let into the country, it’s the fault of doctors, it’s the fault of nurses, it’s the fault of patients, and it’s the fault of the EU that we are still a member of.”

And in an unprecedented rant she suggested that the Tory party had more important things to worry about than poor people’s health: “Oh will you just shut up about the bloody NHS for two minutes.”

“If you’re that bothered about being cured, then you should bloody well pay for treatment like any self-respecting Tory. We’ve got Brexit to worry about, and I need to focus on getting the best deal for Tory party donors, not curing cancer in people who earn under £200,000 a year.”

The PM then went on to blame the crisis on doctors not working enough hours, stating: “Why are you pestering me about it anyway? I’m not a doctor. Go and pester those overpaid, under-worked do-gooders.”

“Now if you will excuse me, I have a photoshoot with Vogue Magazine to go to, because I’m such a fashion icon.”

UK News

EU leaders were simply too scared to approach me, insists Theresa May

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The other EU leaders did not shun me, they were simply too scared to approach me, Theresa May has insisted.

The Prime Minister told journalists: “I went in there armed to the teeth with bullshit soundbites about doing a red, white and blue Brexit, ready to battle for Britain like a true war hero.”

“If you look again at the video of me being ignored, you’ll see that the other leaders were actually just terrified of me. Their fear of my negotiating prowess was palpable, and clearly they all realised the only way for them to avoid defeat would be to avoid playing the game at all.”

One EU leader told Newscrasher: “British Prime Minister Theresa May is the best leader in the history of Europe, even more illustrious than Nicolae Ceausescu or Benito Mussolini. We were all really afraid to approach her in case she instantly vanquished us with a string of empty soundbites.”

On the EU negotiations, Tory MP Jacob Rees Mogg said: “Our exit from the EU will be so easy, we might as well wait out the full two years after triggering Article 50, and only begin negotiating at one minute before the deadline is up. I am unaware of anything that could possibly go wrong, save for acts of treason by unpatriotic remainers.”

“The onus will be on the EU to agree to our terms, or face being completely isolated from this great nation, so I’m pretty sure they’ll agree to all our selfish demand to stop contributing while still keeping all the stuff we like.”

UK News

Leaving EU easy as removing eggs and flour from baked cake, claims Theresa May

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Leaving the European Union is as simple as removing eggs and flour from a baked cake, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking after a summit of EU leaders where everybody ignored her, the prime minister said: “People who knew nothing at all about anything have voted to bring disaster upon the country, and that is exactly what we are going to do.”

“I don’t particularly care either way, but the fall-out from destroying the economy should allow me to consolidate my personal power, perhaps turning myself into a great dictator, and there will also be great opportunities to crack down on freedoms and worker rights.”

“Although basically all the experts say leaving the EU is practically impossible, we continue to maintain that it will be as simple as removing the eggs and flour from a baked cake. I’m an amazing woman and I’ve done that many times before.”

“The fact that all the other EU leaders have ignored me today just shows how strong our negotiating position is right now.”

“They were all far too scared to approach me in case I immediately vanquished their pathetic non-British ideas and returned to London having had our cake and eaten it.”

UK News

Lies written on the side of a bus to replace Daily Mail as Brexiters’ main source of fake news

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Lies written on the side of a bus are set to replace the Daily Mail and the Sun as the main source of fake news for people who think Brexit is a good idea, it has emerged.

After the success of the Leave campaign’s big red bus which had a massive lie written on the side, the right wing entrepreneur Arron Banks has set up a company called Liar Bus which aims to capitalise on this new form of news media.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Sir Arron Banks said: “Crowdfunded by angry Leave voters who fear Brexit may not happen, a fleet of ten thousand Liar Buses will soon be ready to tour the United Kingdom, spreading propaganda and untruths to people who have no critical thinking skills.”

“It’s like twitter but more accessible to older people who don’t understand technology and who are ready to believe anything that agrees with their hateful world view.”

Prominent Brexiteer Iain Dunked in Shit has praised the initiative: “At the moment, one is forced to buy a copy of the Daily Mail or the Sun in order to be exposed to our nasty propaganda, or else tune in to BBC Question Time.”

“Thankfully, this visionary initiative will revolutionise the way the public get their news, making it more democratic and less reliant on experts and facts.”

UK News

My £995 leather trousers ARE made from skin of sanctioned job seekers, Theresa May confirms

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After much media speculation about her leather trousers which reportedly cost £995, the prime minister has confirmed that they are in fact made from the skin of job seekers who had died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.

Speaking to the BBC’s former Conservative journalist of the year Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “At a time when people are starting to realise I’m a really shit prime minister, we thought it would be helpful to divert attention my Brexit omnishambles by making a fashion statement that friendly journalists could then use to make me appear human and likeable.”

“We settled on these particular trousers in a bid to appeal to bigoted readers of the Daily Mail who like to read stories about vulnerable people getting forced into starvation or even dying as a result of our deliberately cruel benefit sanctions.”

“Although some people have speculated that my leather trousers were made by slave children in Indonesia before being sold in one of Phillip Green’s retail outlets, I can categorically state that is not true.”

“I can now reveal that the trousers cost £995 of taxpayer’s money and in fact were manufactured from the skins of vulnerable benefit claimants who died as a result of specially targeted benefit sanctions.”

“I actually got Iain Duncan Smith to personally select the victims using his own warped ideas about social justice. He simply loves doing that kind of thing. We both had a good laugh about it as we ate their livers with fava beans and a nice chianti.”

“Oh, and my plan for Brexit? Imagine a red, white and blue boot stamping on a human face, forever.”

UK News

Far right politicians cancel far right march over fears it may attract the far right

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Far right politicians have canceled a march over fears that people from far right groups might attend, it has emerged.

Nigel Farage said: “It is with a heavy heart that we have been forced to cancel our far right march on Westminster, due to concerns that our expected army of 100,000 far right marchers might get infiltrated by people from far right groups like the EDL, Britain First or the Conservative Party.”

“Of course, when I say heart I mean the black piece of stone situated in my middle mediastinum, where a normal person’s heart would be.”

UKIP Fuhrer Paul Nuttall PhD added: “When we organised the march, we only thought a bunch of Mail and Express reading ignoramuses would turn up and express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”

“However, it quickly became apparent that people from far right groups were also planning to attend, in order to express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”

“In addition, we also realised that even with Britain First and the EDL in attendance, the total number of people at our march was going to be embarrassingly low, somewhere between 21 and 22.”

“But that’s not the real reason we canceled, honest.”

UK News

Britain First’s Jayda Fransen to march on Westminster with army of 10,000 uruk-hai

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Britain First’s Jayda Fransen has pledged to march on Westminster at the head of an army of 10,000 uruk-hai, it has emerged.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the deputy leader of the far right group said: “Next week a panel of judges will decide whether Theresa May’s right wing dictatorship has the right to take us out of the EU, against the wishes of the majority of the public and parliament.”

“To help the judges make up their minds, I will be marching on central London at the head of a 10,000 strong army of fighting uruk-hai, to pressure these judges into accepting the fact that us fascists are now in control, because that’s what people voted for.”

“Paul Golding and I will be praying to Our Lord Jesus Christ that all the judges are white, Christian heterosexuals with a penchant for fascism this time around.”

Fransen added: “We expect to have around 100 ill-informed Brexit-supporting pensioners marching with us as well, although numbers may dwindle somewhat once our uruk-hai begin to hunger for man-flesh.”

In association with Mordor First.

UK News

Lying shit demands we stop criticising another lying shit

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A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy  has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who  helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.

Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”

“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”

“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”

“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”

“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”

“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”

UK News

Tories still best at managing economy, says man whose life the Tories recently ruined

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The Tories are still the best people to manage the economy, according to a man whose life has just been ruined by the Tories.

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “Despite causing year upon year of economic chaos which has resulted a substantial decrease in my standard of living, I still believe the Tories are the best at managing the economy because it’s something people say a lot.”

“And now that the Conservatives’ civil war over Europe led to the people voting to leave the EU against their own interests, we are experiencing yet another Tory omnishambles in the form of Brexit.”

“At first I thought the Tories were to blame for what they’ve done to this country, but thankfully the Daily Mail was there to inform me that none of the bad things that have happened since the referendum have anything to do with Brexit.”

“No, everything is the fault of remainers, or ‘remoaners’ as I like to call them (tee hee hee), and traitorous economists who refuse to think positive about Brexit and the incredible opportunities it presents for this now great country.

“Yes, it’s their fault but it’s nothing to do with Brexit.”

An anonymous Conservative told Newscrasher: “Our party has always done a fantastic job of managing the economy for the sole benefit of high net worth individuals who don’t like paying tax, while trying our hardest to make poor people’s lives as shit as possible.”

“The Brexit shitstorm provides the perfect camouflage for my party to push through all the hard right policies that Thatcher wanted to get done but was to scared to try. A mere two years from now there will be no welfare state except for pensioners, no NHS except for pensioners, and parents will be forced to pay thousands of pounds a year to send their children to a state school.”

“And the right wing media like the Sun and BBC will be there to brainwash enough of the poor into supporting it all.”

UK News

Respect the democratic will of people who believed our outrageous lies, Brexiters demand

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Everybody must now respect the democratic will of people who were sold a pack of outrageous lies about the benefits of leaving the EU, leading Brexiters have decided.

Speaking outside Parliament, David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June, the people voted for the pack of outrageous lies that I and others sold them. We must now respect the democratic will of the people who we scammed into voting to leave the EU, and anybody who fails to do so is clearly anti-democratic and an enemy of the people.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Like many people I want to leave the EU because I am xenophobic and do not like foreigners and non-whites moving to my provincial town, but to save face among my family and friends I needed to find some rational-sounding reasons to vote Leave.”

“Thankfully, Boris and an assortment of other alleged criminals helpfully provided a number of transparent lies that would give racists like me the plausible deniability we needed.”

“Just because the case for leaving the EU was composed entirely of lies, the government should still go through with this purely ideological and hugely destructive constitutional change. This is what democracy is all about.”