Tag Archives: brexit

Nigel Farage finally admits he’s definitely a fascist twat, nobody actually shocked

Acting leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has admitted that he is definitely a fascist twat on live television, but nobody is actually shocked.

The admission took place during his televised clash with Remain activist Gina Miller on the on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show yesterday.

Mr Farage said: “Seventeen million patriotic British voters have spoken and they want to turn this country into the kind of fascist state that I have always campaigned for.”

“Rule of law and parliamentary sovereignty are old fashioned concepts which are not fit for purpose in twenty-first century Britain. They must both be abolished so our glorious Fuhrer Theresa May can use all the levers of power and the military to swiftly remove us from the EU, and establish fascist mob rule.”

When asked whether The Daily Mail was wrong to call the High Court judges ‘enemies of the people’, the UKIP leader said: “The Daily Mail and Express have provided visionary leadership for racist pensioners all across the country, and both papers were instrumental in our campaign to stoke hatred against foreigners and the EU in the lead up to the referendum.”

“Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that the editors of both papers should be awarded a knighthood for their part in liberating this country from the freedoms and prosperity with which the EU has long oppressed this country.”

“As the greatest war hero this country has ever known, I will also be putting my own name forward for a knighthood.”

“However, if my demand is not met, I will march on the Palace of Westminster at the head of an army of one hundred thousand racist pensioners.”

I really, really want to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal court decision, says Theresa May

Theresa May really, really wants to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal the high court ruling, it has been announced.

Today’s High Court ruling that Article 50 can only be triggered with parliamentary approval has dealt a major blow to the government, which wanted to trigger Article 50 and subsequently destroy the remains of the British economy using the Royal Prerogative.

However, the mood in the government is one of defiance. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “The PM really wants to rule Britain as a dictatorial god emperor, and we will appeal against the High Court ruling that Britain is a democracy.”

“The position of this government is that on June 23rd the people clearly voted to abolish democracy and become a far right dictatorship, and this is what Theresa May and her cabinet of twats intend to deliver for the overly patriotic, mostly white people of Britain who voted to leave the EU.”

Outside the court in London, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am clearly a massive hypocrite, because I refuse to accept I lost this court case and I will not be getting over it, ever, despite the fact that since June 23rd I’ve been going around telling Remain voters to do precisely that.”

Unelected elite are subverting democracy, says paper owned by a foreign unelected elite

The unelected elite are subverting democracy, according to a newspaper that is owned by a foreign born unelected elite.

The latest accusation by the Sun ‘newspaper’ comes in the wake a High Court ruling that we do still have laws and democracy in this country, and that the Prime Minister should stop pretending the people voted for a dictatorship.

Former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie said: “It is an outrage that three unelected judges who are probably not even racist can reach a decision that I do not like, based on an objective and dispassionate examination of the law.”

“They and the majority of the British public are all enemies of the people because they oppose Brexit.”

Speaking from atop a mountain of cash on a private island, the foreign-born unelected elite Rupert Murdoch added: “Over the years I have spent a considerable sum of money stoking anti-foreigner racism and resentment using my shit rag The Sun.”

“But now the unelected elite in the judiciary and on Match of the Day, some of whom are either gay or from Leicester, are attempting to subvert democracy and overturn the will of Sun readers, who have very real ‘concerns’ about immigration and Jeremy Corbyn.”

“It now goes without saying that my assistant Theresa May must find a way to bend the United Kingdom to my fascist will, because I’m not about to see my investment in hate go to waste now.”

We can’t enter Brexit negotiations with even the remotest idea about what we’re doing, argue Brexiteers

The UK government must not go into the Brexit negotiations with any kind of plan or objectives, leading Brexiteers have argued.

Members of Parliament have demanded that the government outline their plan for negotiating the United Kingdom’s exit from the EU, but ministers hit back by arguing that this would require the government to actually come up with some ideas and a workable plan, which would be an impossible task even for a genius polymath like Boris Johnson.

Liam Fox said: “It is essential that we negotiate the best possible deal for Britain, and this means our negotiating position must kept absolutely secret, even from ourselves.”

“When our negotiators disembark the royal yacht and enter talks with the EU, it is paramount we ensure they have absolutely no idea what to do or say, or even why they are there in the first place.”

“A cynical observer might say the government does in fact have a plan, and that this plan involves the classical Tory scheme of fleecing the working class for the benefit of the wealthy, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Newscrasher also invited Michael Gove to comment, but he and his wife were reportedly far too busy engaging in a posh version of child-neglect to respond.

Brexiteers agree they have lost and will now proceed to get over it

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Brexiteers Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis have all agreed that they’ve lost and will now proceed to get over it, it has emerged.

In a joint statement, the three Brexiteers wrote: “We now accept that the British courts are right and that parliamentary sovereignty is important. It’s what we have been fighting for all this time, so we will suck it up and get over it.”

“In Parliament there are 470 MPs who oppose Brexit, so clearly we will now be staying in the EU.”

Professor Ed Smythe, a leading scientist in the area of Brexit studies, told Newscrasher: “Our studies have shown that Brexiters are irrational, elderly, and usually poorly educated. They often support homophobia, capital punishment, or believe the ‘EUSSR’ is a Jewish masonic conspiracy to overthrow Britain.”

“Their change in opinion has completely confounded our research. Quite frankly, we’re shocked.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton also said: “Once again the experts are wrong and I am right! Since the day after the referendum I’ve been going around telling Remain voters that they’ve lost, should shut up, and get over it.”

“Now that we Brexiters have basically lost, I’m going to take my own advice and will be shutting the fuck up and getting over it immediately.”

“I hope this finally shows everyone I’m not the colossal twat they originally thought I was.”

I really, really want to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal court decision, says Theresa May

Theresa May really, really wants to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal the high court ruling, it has been announced.

Today’s High Court ruling that Article 50 can only be triggered with parliamentary approval has dealt a major blow to the government, which wanted to trigger Article 50 and subsequently destroy the remains of the British economy using the Royal Prerogative.

However, the mood in the government is one of defiance. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “The PM really wants to rule Britain as a dictatorial god emperor, and we will appeal against the High Court ruling that Britain is a democracy.”

“The position of this government is that on June 23rd the people clearly voted to abolish democracy and become a far right dictatorship, and this is what Theresa May and her cabinet of twats intend to deliver for the overly patriotic, mostly white people of Britain who voted to leave the EU.”

Outside the court in London, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am clearly a massive hypocrite, because I refuse to accept I lost this court case and I will not be getting over it, ever, despite the fact that since June 23rd I’ve been going around telling Remain voters to do precisely that.”

Pound is 147th best performing currency of the year, boasts Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog

Liam Fox has boasted that the British Pound is now the 147th best performing currency of 2016, it has emerged.

The Secretary of State for International Trade said: “Beating both the Nigerian Naira and Angolan Kwanza shows what an economic powerhouse Brexit Britain is becoming.”

“We are now within only a few percent of the Mozambique New Metical.”

Dr. Fox continued: “Our competitiveness with these African superpowers proves that not only will Brexit be a massive success, but the entire world will be queueing up to invest United Nations peacekeeping resources in us, creating exciting new trade opportunities for arms dealers and prostitution.”

The Pound should shut up and get over it, a Leave voter has decided

The British Pound should shut up and get over the fact that it lost the referendum, a Leave voter has decided.

Chris Bumfield said: “On the 23rd of June, we voted to implement child-like economic and immigration policies which we believed would make us richer at the expense of foreigners and the young.”

“Unfortunately, those of us who voted to leave the EU were wrong about literally everything, and all the promises made by the Leave campaign turned out to be outright lies and were immediately discarded.”

“Nevertheless, the people have spoken and it is important for Britain to push on with its current suicidal course of action.”

“In light of this, I find it wholly unacceptable that the Pound has decided to go against the whim of the people by plunging in value against all other currencies, making everyone a lot poorer, including ignorant and proud Brexiters like me.”

“Our great British currency should just shut up and get over it. We won, it lost.”

Retailers face call to introduce discount card for Leave voters

Retailers must introduce discount cards so that Leave voters can avoid the massive price rises they have caused, Boris Johnson has demanded.

Speaking on the BBC’s Daily Politics programme, the Foreign Secretary said: “The ongoing collapse of the Pound against most other currencies is all because Remain voters are talking the country down.”

“Therefore, it is with the utmost urgency that I call on British retailers to insulate patriotic Leave voters from these unforeseen price rises that they didn’t cause, by issuing a patriotic Brexit discount card.”

The formerly pro-EU politician added: “The costs will be more than offset through a series of penalty charges to be imposed on the people who caused the collapse in the Pound, and by that I mean anybody who believes the UK should stay in the EU.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Nobody could have predicted that unpatriotic Remain voters would talk-down the economy to such an extent that I too would be hit with dramatically higher retail prices, so I welcome the concept of a discount card to benefit me and all other Leave voters.”

The Britain First supporter added: “When I voted to leave the EU, I thought I’d only be ruining the lives of foreigners and stealing the future of young people, while awarding myself an even more comfortable lifestyle than I already had.”

“I wish one of those so-called ‘experts’ would have warned me about the consequences of Brexit.”

Anger as Brexit bet winnings are completely wiped out by plunging Pound

By John M.

The dramatic plunge in the Pound after June’s Brexit vote has now resulted in an aggregate loss for those who bet on the UK to leave the European Union.

Despite predicting the Leave campaign’s ultimate victory (unlike the Brexit architects themselves), those who cashed in on the unlikely eventuality have seen the real value of their money depreciate such that they have less Pound in their pocket today than before the vote.

Visibly struck by the news, one resident of Taunton interviewed live on BBC News at 6: “Like many brexiters I marched gleefully to the bookmakers on June 24 to collect my winnings, but I now feel short-changed after the Remain voters unpatriotically talked down the Pound. The betting slip’s going to be worth more than the cash by winter.”

“My money might be worthless. But it’s British worthless money.”

He then reverted back to UKIP factory settings: “This is the Great British pound and we have taken back control. Taken back control. Taken back control…”

Elsewhere, in Downing Street, Theresa May has been advised by economists to physically seal her lips shut for the coming days after advisors remarked that the pound has been suffering crushing blows each time she opens her mouth.

Her own comments on the crisis were accordingly indecipherable: “Mhf, mhffmhf. Mhff.”