The Conservative Party has moved to reassure the public that David Cameron will definitely be replaced by somebody who is an even bigger twat than he is.

The move comes amid growing turmoil, with the country finding itself with a ‘zombie government’ and a highly uncertain political and economic future.

Outgoing Prime Minster David Cameron said: “I proudly stand here as the worst Prime Minister this country has had in at least 300 years.”

“To use an old English saying, the scum always floats to the top, and Tory leadership elections are no exception.”

“And this is why I fully expect the party will do its duty by selecting from its ranks a new leader who is even nastier and cuntish than I am.”

In hiding after the referendum result, Boris Johnson told Newscrasher: “Many people feel scared by Brexit but let me assure you that despite trillions wiped off the global markets, the imminent break up of the UK, the return to a border and violence in Northern Ireland, the loss of Gibraltar and our bases in Cyprus, far-right groups believing they have a mandate for violence, the UK credit rating being downgraded, and the British pound collapsing, it has not been for nothing.”

“It’s been for me. And that’s all I care about.“