Tag Archives: chris grayling

Little boats to pick up food and medicine from beaches in France after Brexit, according to Government plan

Little boats will be requisitioned by the government to pick up vital supplies of food and medicine from beaches in France, the Government has announced.

Speaking to reporters, a jubilant Chris Grayling said: “I have been a minister for some years now, and thanks to my incredible incompetence I have fucked up literally everything I have ever been tasked with.”

“I’m like a reverse King Midas, because everything I touch turns to shit. And this is why the public should trust me to organize the bringing in of vital supplies of food and medicines once our self-imposed blockade begins next year.”

“The last time Britain was truly great was when we nearly lost the war and had to scramble to ferry British troops back from France, as shown in the recent Dunkirk film that ignored the important contributions made by our European allies and commonwealth forces.”

“We are pleased to announce that the Government is putting in place a plan to requisition a large number of small boats from marinas all along the South coast, to form a flotilla of little boats that will go in and pick up food and medicines from French beaches.”

Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “We’ve gone from being told we’ll all be much better off when we leave the EU to having to requisition small boats to shuttle basic supplies across the channel to avoid mass starvation and tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths due to lack of medicines, but I still think we should leave because I definitely remember voting for Britain to become a kind of dystopian nightmare.”

“The Government should just get on with wrecking the economy and every single public service, even if it means living in Mad Max 3 but without the ending where they escape Barter Town and find somewhere nice to live.”

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Chris Grayling proposes privatisation of cycle lanes

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cycle lanes urgently need to be privatised, Chris Grayling has announced.

The Secretary of State for Transport said: “If cyclists are to be road users, then they must pay through the nose like road users.”

“As the government cannot charge them fuel duty, I propose that a distance meter should be fitted to every bicycle, to charge them the equivalent rate per mile.”

The modern day ‘reverse King Midas’, who turns everything he touches to shit, added: “Part of the proceeds will be set aside to compensate hard working car drivers for the jealousy they sometimes feel through no fault of their own, when they see a cyclist traveling somwhere for free.”

“Govia Thameslink will be given the exclusive license to run cycle lanes, with cyclists and pedestrians funding them.

“I am confident that Govia Thameslink can replicate the success they have made of Southern Rail and will make cycling to work just as expensive and inconvenient.”

The idea has been widely welcomed by drivers.

Motorist Chris Bumfield said: “For years, cyclists have had a free ride, and I can’t wait for them to pay more tax so I can pay less. I look forward to driving through the puddles made from their snowflake tears. They deserve it.”

However, the proposal has been opposed by Labour’s former shadow chancellor, Chris Leslie: “I for one am disappointed the Tories have taken such an extreme approach to cycling.”

“The obvious solution has always been a regionally franchised public private partnership backed by corporate bonds. I believe this creative solution is the one the British public have asked for.”

Newscrasher asked Jeremy Corbyn’s office for comment but were told he was too busy polishing his bike.

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