Tag Archives: christian

Jacob Rees Mogg against abortion in any circumstances – except when he gets paid

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Jacob Rees Mogg is against abortion in any circumstances, except when he gets paid, the Tory back-bencher has confirmed.

“My devout Christian values mean I am against any kind of abortion, and I have been very clear and consistent about that. But as Saint Jesus the Christ once said, I can make an exception to my values if it means getting paid quite a lot of money.”

“In this case I see no hypocrisy because the abortions in question are being in Indonesia and are being done illegally, probably by poor people or muslims, so it’s not really very important.”

“I would much prefer that people change the subject and go back to talking about whether my supposedly Christian value are compatible with my support for the cruel austerity policies which push hard-working families into poverty, and which have caused so many early deaths among the disabled, because I find it all so uplifting.”

Asked whether he’d like to see Rees Mogg become Prime Minister, online MoggMentum supporter Chris Bumfield said: “What I really like about Jacob Rees Mogg is that he’s so much more important than us ordinary folk, with his big words and his very substantial personal wealth.”

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My christian values, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

It has come to my attention that some people on the social medias have been commenting on the hypocrisy of Conservatives like me, who claim to be devoutly christian while voting for policies that hurt the poorest and most vulnerable in society.

When Newscrasher approached me about writing this column, I jumped at the opportunity to set the record straight about my christian values, and why I am deliriously happy about the rise in the use of food banks.

First I would like to reiterate what I have often said in the media. There is no inconsistency whatsoever between being devoutly christian and voting for legislation that ruins the lives of the poor for the benefit of high net worth individuals like myself.

Jesus Christ himself was a Tory, arguing that there should be less provision of healthcare and reductions in the social welfare programmes in the Roman province of Judea. And that is precisely why the hard left Roman administration of the day arrested and crucified Jesus.

Thanks to scholars such as Iain Duncan Smith BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate), it is now well established that God approves of all Conservative policies, especially our completely unnecessary imposition of austerity and the hounding of the sick and disabled to an an early grave. Therefore, I am proud to sit in Parliament alongside many other rabid right wingers doing the Lord’s work, sometimes also sleeping.

The bible clearly states that taxes are the work of the Devil. Indeed, it was Satan himself who proposed the first system of progressive taxation as a hateful punishment for high net worth christians who had amassed entirely legitimate wealth off the back of the work of others.

Consequently, I fail to see why someone like me, who had the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, should be penalised by way of taxation on the large sums I earn from my many talents, when so many of my fellow Britons made the poor lifestyle choice of being born into a family that is not rich. Why should they have free healthcare and financial safety nets if they are too lazy to be rich?

In conclusion, there is absolutely no incongruence in claiming to be christian while actively plunging people into poverty, starvation, and in some cases an early grave.

I trust that by penning this satirical column I have explained myself to everybody’s satisfaction, and I hope we can all now move on and go back to talking about how wonderful food banks are, or how Jeremy Corbyn’s very moderate plans to bring back proper NHS and welfare funding are akin to North Korea.

This was a satirical story not written by Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg, the moron’s favourite to replace Theresa May as Prime Minister.

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God is OK with all the starvation and homelessness we’re causing, Tories decide

Christianity is definitely compatible with forcing the people into starvation and homelessness this Christmas, the government has decided.

Speaking to the BBC’s Conservative Journalist of the Year Laura Kuenssberg, the prime minister said: “I’m a devout Christian and although there are some interesting ideas in the New Testament, our policies are mainly based on the extremely cruel teachings that can be found in the Old Testament.”

“Bigotry, genocide and slavery are all in there, which is great for us Tories because we can be as evil as Hitler and still claim to be Christians. I’m pushing policies that are destroying the lives of ordinary people by forcing them into poverty, starvation and homelessness, but I’m still totally Christian.”

“God told me it’s OK to do what we’ve been doing to the poorest and most vulnerable in society. He said the same to Iain Duncan Smith as well. Now there’s a man who is right to be proud of his record of manslaughter.”

“On a personal note, I was never a big fan of Jesus Christ anyway. His left wing ideas about tolerance, helping the poor and curing the sick lack a certain Britishness. Jesus really is out of touch with public opinion these days.”

“Even worse, his family were health tourist immigrants who had poor financial planning, and I firmly believe the authorities of Judea were fully justified in putting that potential terrorist to death in the way they did.”

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