Tag Archives: Corbyn

Guardian pretends to care but attacks anyone with track record of caring

The Guardian newspaper is pretending to care about the terrible effects of Tory rule, but attacks anyone who has a track record of wanting to help the victims of Tory policies, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the paper said: “We have a long track record of pretending to care about a wide variety of problems, like child poverty or the crumbling National Health service.”

“In an ideal world we would solve all these problems and more by electing a left wing government that is not afraid to tax the rich,  invest in good public services, and strengthen the rights and conditions of workers.”

“However, the people hit hardest by Tory rule will need to have patience and wait just a few more years or decades, until relatively well-off liberals start to feel comfortable with having a marginally left wing government in power again.”

“The Tories are bad and everything, but when someone like Jeremy Corbyn says he wants to improve the NHS and give proper funding to public services, our generally well off readers get scared. Some of them have already been forced to shop at Aldi, for fuck’s sake.”

“So, for the time being Guardian Ltd believes Theresa May is a safer pair of hands than Jeremy Corbyn, who has been extensively smeared by the right wing media, ourselves included.”

Guardian subscriber Chris Bumfield said: “A few years ago I wouldn’t have touched the Guardian with a bargepole, because they were always banging on about bad shit in Africa, environment or child poverty.”

“But I started to warm to the paper when it come out in support of safe politicians who will definitely ignore all the problems currently faced by the least well off in society, such as closet Tories Vince Cable or Tom Watson.”

“And it was thanks to the Guardian’s brave reporting that I learned How fair and balanced Laura Kuenssberg and her relentless campaign of anti-Corbyn smears are.”

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Peston: my silence on benefit cut deaths is to avoid pro-Labour bias

Ignoring deaths that occurred due to benefit cuts is necessary to avoid being too pro-Labour, Robert Peston has claimed.

The ITV presenter said: “When people die as a result of having their benefits stopped it makes me sad, but it’s nothing to do with people like me who consistently fail to scrutinise the Government. We’re far too busy holding the opposition to account to pay attention to the plight of whoever Theresa May’s jackboot stamps down on today.”

“Maybe if Jeremy Corbyn would just stop giving the media ammunition against him, we might then have time to have a look into some of the cruel policies the Conservatives are imposing on the poorest and most vulnerable people in society.”

“In any case, it’s Labour’s job to speak up for the poor and vulnerable, so if were to speak out about benefit cut deaths I would be rightfully accused of pro-Labour bias.”

“Last week I was just about to start investigating the impact of Conservative policies on British society, but Jeremy Corbyn ruined my plans by releasing the draft Labour manifesto, and I had no choice except to scrutinise every last detail and do my best to misrepresent it as taking Britain back to the 1970s.”

“However, when it comes to the Tories, I am more than happy to wave-through all their policies, and I will be more than happy to parrot claims that the party is modern and in tune with working class people, when in fact the Tories want to take Britain back to the 1870s.”

“Who cares about integrity when I may get into the honours list.”

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Theresa May to run journalists over in tank after Corbyn poll boost

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May plans to run over journalists in a tank, after Jeremy Corbyn experienced a spike in popularity when the car he was riding in accidentally ran over a cameraman’s foot, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “After a car carrying Mr Corbyn accidentally injured a cameraman, and the BBC manufactured a fake news story about the incident, his popularity experienced a sudden and unexpected boost.”

“After seeing how this BBC smear attempt has backfired, the Prime Minister has decided to manufacture a similar incident where she will run over one or more journalists in a Mk IV Churchill tank, en route to a gathering of Conservative activists in a remote village hall.”

“The choice of tank is highly symbolic, and should evoke memories of Britain’s finest hour in the Second World War and associate the Prime Minister with Britain’s glorious victory over other Europeans and the Japanese.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “I will be on hand to publish tweets arguing that when Theresa May runs someone over it shows she has the strong and stable leadership that dumbed down British votes crave. ”

“Of course, I’ll also be tweeting fake news about Jeremy Corbyn.”

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Starvation of poor children could boost education results, say Tories

School children from less well off families could perform better in exams if they are forced into starvation, the Tories have suggested.

Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith said: “My own personal research shows that plunging vulnerable people into poverty and starvation often motivates them to work or study harder, in order to get out of the hole we have dug for them.”

“And that is why we need to ensure that children from the poorest families, many of whom are unlikely to vote Conservative, are denied access to food on school days.”

Accomplished academic Duncan Smith added: “The fact that Jeremy Corbyn believes the government should provide free school meals just shows how unelectable and out of touch he is with the real issues in people’s lives.”

“If he spent more time on real issues like securing the most destructive Brexit possible, starting a pointless war with Spain or bringing back blue passports, the lives of the ordinary people would improve significantly.”

Speaking out about the idea of free school meals, Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I work hard for my money and it’s all mine, so why should I have to contribute towards other people’s children?”

“If their own parents can’t be bothered to earn enough to pay for everything they need, including education and healthcare, then fuck them.”

“And it’s not like children are the workforce of tomorrow, whose tax and national insurance contributions will eventually pay for my pension and healthcare in my old age.”

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Philip Hammond won’t publish tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’

Philip Hammond believes that he shouldn’t have to publish his tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’, it has emerged.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is understood to be considering publishing details of his earnings and tax avoidance, after Jeremy Corbyn published his own tax return and challenged the Tory front bench to do the same.

However,  Hammond remains defiant: “Taxes are for the little people, not wealthy government ministers like me who are too good to use public services like the NHS.”

“I don’t really give a fuck what voters think about my financial situation and whether or not I pay my taxes honestly. There’s not very much in the way of tax avoidance in my return anyway.”

“Now that we Tories have a major fake news outlet like the BBC fighting for us, we barely have to worry about the opposition these days.”

“And thanks in part to how good the BBC has become at holding the unelectable, unpatriotic opposition to account, people who are quite stupid will keep on voting for us no matter what.”

“I’ll probably just sit tight for a while and watch the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg try to smear Jeremy Corbyn over nonexistent mistakes in his tax return.”

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Jeremy Corbyn caused Second World War, claims Ben Bradshaw

Jeremy Corbyn caused the Second World War, right wing Labour MP Ben Bradshaw has claimed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, Mr Bradshaw said: “Jeremy Corbyn didn’t just cause Labour’s defeats in the 2010 and 2015 general elections, he is also clearly responsible for our loss in Copeland and the outbreak of the Second World War.”

“However, Labour’s victory in the Stoke Central by election was thanks to the amazing legacy left by Tony Blair and the right wing faction of Labour, and was definitely nothing to do with Jeremy at all.”

“Many of us in the Parliamentary Labour Party also strongly believe that Corbyn is largely responsible for the Iraq war. Although Jeremy did try to stop the Iraq war, the fact of the matter is he just didn’t oppose it strongly enough, which places the blame for the war and all the death and destruction squarely with him and not with people like me who voted for it.”

Labour’s Jess Phillips has backed Mr Bradshaw’s comments, saying: “I never supported Jeremy Corbyn from day one, and have been waging war on him non stop. He’s to blame for everything, including the perpetual infighting that people like me have instigated.”

“Jeremy should resign right now because of the way he caused World War Two and the Iraq War. I think it is time he made way for someone like me.”

I would definitely like to be leader and I think I would be brilliant, not just because I would make loads of brilliant jokes about male suicide, but also because I am me and I am really amazing.”

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Only more Labour infighting can save NHS and defeat Tories, says Peter Mandelson

Only by increasing the level of infighting between factions of the Labour party will we be able to fight the Tories and save the NHS, Peter Mandelson has announced.

The disgraced former Labour minister said: “It’s disgusting the way Jeremy Corbyn has proper left wing ideals that could help ordinary people. Only by adopting Thatcherite ideals will hard working wealth creators like me or Rupert Murdoch allow Labour to get elected again.”

“Thanks in part to perpetual infighting in the Labour Party, the Tories are on track to completely abolish the NHS, human rights and maybe even democracy itself.”

“And this is why I will work every day to undermine any leader of the Labour Party who is actually left wing. Only by an increased level of infighting will we be able to save the NHS and restore prosperity to Britain.”

However, a Labour source said: “The idea of Jeremy Corbyn being prime minister and implementing policies that actually benefit the people terrifies the establishment, so it’s no surprise Peter Mandelson has found time in his busy schedule of spending time on oligarch’s yachts to attempt to undermine him.”

The source added: “Jeremy has every intention of remaining Leader of the Labour Party for the foreseeable future. Nothing will stop him from setting a new world record for the longest serving opposition leader.”

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Jeremy Corbyn should swear more to raise popularity, say New Labour grandees

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Jeremy Corbyn is being urged to make  greater use of foul language in order to boost his popularity, it has emerged.

New Labour grandees have advised Jeremy Corbyn to call Theresa May “a cunt” at least once in every Prime Ministers Questions, in an attempt to be a more populist leader.

Jeremy is often seen as weak and ineffectual despite winning two leadership contests in a row with a record number of votes. Labour focus groups have indicated if he was nastier he would become more popular.

The decision comes following the airing last week of a video on Youtube which showed Theresa May trampling a baby to death in her Jimmy Choos whilst shouting “I hate poor people”. In the aftermath a Yougov poll found her popularity had risen more than seven points.

It is understood that Mr Corbyn has also been advised to carry out a sex act with a dead animal, but has refused citing his vegetarianism.

A former New Labour minister told Newscrasher: “We spoke to Jeremy about making himself more accessible through pranks and japes, but sadly he ruled out fucking a pigs head. The good news is that he is up for a large marrow and has already selected an organic prize winning specimen from his allotment.”

“He was particularly excited about the fact it would be one he’d grown himself to the most exacting organic standards in his allotment, and remarked that it wouldn’t feel any different to how we treat him normally anyway.”

News of a possible change of leadership style has been welcomed by many Conservatives, including Boris Johnson: “For years I have been an utter bastard and the public have loved me for it. If Jeremy takes the advice of the Blairites and starts acting like a Tory, we may then get some real opposition at last.”

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Theresa May to embark on career in stand up comedy

After her comedic success in Parliament, the Prime Minister is now considering a career in stand up comedy, it has been revealed.

Theresa May said: “My wooden delivery of a succession of low quality scripted jokes, when I should have been answering questions about serious issues such as poverty and housing, caused significant mirth and chortling from the toffs on the benches behind me.”

“However, it is possible that my Conservative colleagues were laughing instead at the thought of killing large numbers of disabled people, and plunging yet more children into poverty through our cruel austerity policies.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, whose fawning and uncritical coverage of Mrs. May has raised eyebrows in some quarters, described the PM’s performance as “a masterclass in batting away the trifling concerns of the undeserving poor, to focus on bigger issues like whether Jeremy Corbyn is a communist vampire antichrist and a traitor who will be the death of us all.”

Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson was also impressed, saying: “I’ll support anything that makes Jeremy look bad, because I fucking hate him. His intention to improve the lives of the poor, the sick, the homeless, and even rail passengers is fucking disgusting.”

Mr Watson added: “Beware Jeremy Corbyn’s left wing mind control rays. Wear your aluminium foil hat at all times.”

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The Labour Party doesn’t deserve me and can f*ck off, warns Jess Phillips

By Dorothy Hotdog

Outspoken MP Jess Phillips has warned she will leave the Labour Party if Jeremy Corbyn wins the leadership contest.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4, the MP for Birmingham Yardley said:”I will leave the Labour Party because Jeremy sits on the floor”, an apparent reference to the fact that Jeremy Corbyn was recently photographed sitting on the floor of a train because there were no seats available.

“A true leader stands up for Britain, but Jeremy just sits there slumped next to the toilet looking like a tramp. I hate him”, added Phillips.

“A year ago we saw Jeremy stand on a night bus. I might not have agreed with him on anything, but this was a leader we could all get behind. Stabbing works best from that angle, don’t you know.”

“Now he doesn’t even have the strength to stand.”

“Since I became an MP Jeremy has shown his hatred for women by holding me back. It’s true that I’ve only been an MP 15 months, during which time I have threatened his life, but despite attacking my new boss repeatedly it’s clear I’ve been held back.”

“I deserve more from the Labour Party, and if I don’t get it, then the Labour Party doesn’t deserve me.”

Phillips also revealed she’s installed a panic room in her office, and refused to rule out expanding it to accommodate the entire parliamentary Labour Party.

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