Former Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he is to stand down as a member of Parliament, in order to spend more time doing drugs and having sex with pig heads.
The 49-year-old has been Conservative MP for Witney since 2001, and became Conservative leader in 2005. During his six-year term as Prime Minister, Mr. Cameron and his cabinet of millionaires presided over the destruction of public services for private profit, as well as massive increases in homelessness and poverty.
Speaking to journalists outside his very expensive home, David Cameron said: “Having irreparably fucked up the country, and having caused the death or suffering of thousands, if not millions of British citizens, I think I’m going to bugger off to enjoy my offshored personal wealth now.”
“To the ordinary people who voted for my party in two general elections, and to those whose lives I callously ruined to help the rich get richer, I have only one message.”
“Farewell and fuck you all.”
On learning of Cameron’s announcement, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Although I disagree with David on the issue of the European Union, I have always admired his willingness to harm or kill large numbers of people, including the disabled and children, in pursuit of the wholesale liquidation of all public services.”
“Some people may want to see me on trial for crimes against humanity, but I would like everybody to know that just like the concentration camp guards, I was merely following orders from my superiors.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to be in a coma, following a drunken brawl with euroskeptic MP Boris Johnson. It is understood that Mr Cameron suffered a serious head injury in the altercation, during which Mr Johnson is said to called the Prime Minister ‘an absolute rotter’ and ‘the biggest liar in the history of the world’.
Speaking outside the West-End five-star hospital in which the Prime Minister is being treated, Samantha Cameron told reporters: “We would like to thank the vanishingly small number of well-wishers who have sent messages of support for David.”
“It’s heartwarming to know there are still a few people up and down the country whose lives haven’t yet been utterly wrecked by the cruel policies of David’s government.”
Hospital staff said that security had to be stepped up after a member of the public ‘accidentally’ unplugged Mr Cameron’s life-support in order to charge a mobile telephone.
News of Mr Cameron’s misfortune went viral on social media almost immediately, reaching more than 10 million Facebook ‘likes’ in under an hour.
Prime minister David Cameron today called on Labour’s ‘moderates’ to help the government combat terrorism by dismantling the national health service.
Citing concerns over reports that people who are out of work, disabled, or opposed to the UK’s intervention in Syria may be obtaining treatment on the NHS, the prime minister and Hilary Benn today gave impassioned speeches about Britishness and war.
A spokesman for the prime minister said: “The NHS is supported by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and as such endangers national security. In order to keep hard working Britons safe from terrorism, the NHS urgently needs to be dismantled and sold off to David’s mates in the private health industry, who can then provide healthcare to those who are willing to work hard to pay into an exorbitant healthcare plan.”
Laura Kuenssberg, the Political Editor of Conservative News, tweeted: “Corbyn looking weak on security and out of touch on NHS dismantling.”