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I didn’t realise Britain was an island, says Dominic Raab

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I didn’t realise Britain was an island, Dominic Raab has admitted.

During a speech about Britain’s future outside the EU, the Brexit Secretary said: “The question of how we will be able to import food and medicines after we leave the EUSSR is way more complicated than I thought when I mindlessly decided leaving would be a good idea, and since being appointed Brexit Secretary I’ve had to do countless minutes of research into subjects like basic geography.”

“Some of what I have learnt has seriously blown my mind. For example, not a lot of people know that we live on an island, but after reading a Wikipedia entry I can confirm right now that Great Britain really is thought to be an island according to the best experts we have.”

“It is also separated from France by a narrow stretch of water, which is too deep to wade through, and some experts suggest it is usually impassable to lorries carrying food and other vital supplies, although our negotiating team aims to overturn this as we continue to flesh out a deal with the EU.”

 

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Brexit food shortages an opportunity for the poor to diet, says Dominic Raab

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By Dorothy Hotdog an Jeff Sanchez

Food shortages that are expected to result from Brexit offer an amazing opportunity for the poor to diet, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Speaking to Piers Morgan on breakfast TV, Dominic Raab said: “Brexit offers a multitude of amazing opportunities for Britain, including the chance for the rich to get even richer, the chance for xenophobes to have blue passports, and opportunities for the poor to go on a crash diet and subsequently die of starvation.”

“Families who use food banks may not be able to stockpile food in time for Brexit Day, and that is why this Government will be sending out a leaflet with hints and tips for how people can grow their own food. Older members of the public will be pleased with our inclusion of a number of traditional British delicacies, such as jellied earthworms and Nettle tea.”

“The British people will have the incredible opportunity to draw on the character forming Irish Potato Famine, and this is just one of many ways that Brexit food shortages can bring the country together in mass starvation.”

“The royal family is to be employed in showing people how they can grow their own vegetables. We will also boost public morale by restarting the Clean For The Queen campaign, this time making it compulsory for all benefit claimants to clean a Tory MP’s home.”

“Even if you have just a small plant pot in your miniscule flat in London, you can still grow a healthy potato plant and feed your family for at least two days.”