Tag Archives: DWP

Esther McVey only got DWP role because Hitler wasn’t available, say insiders

Esther McVey was only picked to lead the DWP because Adolf Hitler was unavailable, insiders at No. 10 have revealed.

An unnamed source told Newscrasher: “The PM wanted to hire the most evil, sadistic person possible for the role of ruining the lives of the vulnerable and disabled, but unfortunately her first choice was unavailable.”

“Because Adolf Hitler was unavailable, the Prime Minister instead chose Esther McVey, who herself has proven to be very capable at causing mass suffering and misery.”

“Esther rightly believes that people earning less than £100,000 should be forced to use foodbanks just to survive, as a punishment for poor management of their personal finances, which itself is a complex issue with no possible solution, and which is wholly unconnected with Tory policy.”

However, some parliamentarians have slammed Mrs. May for choosing Esther McVey.

Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith ranted: “When it was clear that Adolf Hitler couldn’t take up the post, the Prime Minister should have offered me my old job back, because I have years of experience at ruining the lives of the little people. I even went on a fact finding mission to auschwitz, for fuck’s sake.”

“In fact, I think I should have been at the head of the list, above even Hitler himself.”



This heartbreaking tweet about a real life Daniel Blake is going viral on social media

Mary-Rachel McCabe is a barrister at Doughty Street Chambers, who specialises in access to justice and is a children’s rights campaigner. Earlier this week she took to Twitter to relate the tragic story of a real life Daniel Blake she has been representing.

Despite what some Conservatives have tried to insinuate, the plot of I, Daniel Blake not only rings true – it is in fact a realistic depiction of the the way the cruel DWP has chosen to victimise the most vulnerable in our society.

Under the Tories, since 2010 we have seen a systematic campaign to reduce support for benefit claimants to a level below that of simple subsistence, with consequences that are all too predictable: more than a hundred thousand unnecessary deaths, starvation, poverty, depression and numerous suicides.

And for what purpose? Tory austerity provides no actual gain to society. It doesn’t even benefit the economy, because the social problems it creates are far more costly to address than the financial cost of simply having a fair and humane benefits system.

The true purposeof austerity, of course, is to divert public money to shareholders of the small number of companies who the DWP have contracted to provide services such as fake fitness to work assessments.

We need a radical, humanist alternative to the Tory austerity that is literally killing Britain, and only a Labour government under somebody like Jeremy Corbyn can provide it.

Here are some of the best replies to Mary-Rachel McCabe’s tweets:

Here at Newscrasher we definitely agree that the architects of the DWP’s cruel regime of benefit cuts and sanctions should be held accountable in a court of law.

Several users also told of helping people who have been put in similarly difficult circumstances by the cruel DWP:


DWP employees to get bonus for causing death of benefit claimants, Tories announce

Employees of the Department for Work and Pensions will receive a generous bonus for causing the death of benefit claimants, senior Tories have announced.

One senior Tory, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid looking a total cunt, told Newscrasher: “Although we do have some very good people working at the DWP, there is still an unfortunately widespread belief that their job is to help people in need, instead of hounding the poor and the vulnerable to death.”

“Much like the Germans who guarded concentration camps in the Second World War, DWP staff are mostly just following the orders that are handed down from their sadistic bosses. This needs to change if we are to reshape Britain into a place where the rich can rightly flourish at the expense of the poor.”

“While it is true that many of our staff show promise as potential Waffen-DWP soldiers, the majority still have some way to go if they want to become true Nazis.”

“And that is why the DWP will be offering a system of bonuses for staff who manage to cause benefit claimants to die. One tenth of the cost saving due to victim’s death will be paid to the responsible DWP staff member, and the rest will go towards the upkeep of the mansion where I live with my in-laws.”


New DWP Work Capability Assessment to simply ask “are you alive?”

The Department for Work and Pensions is to bring in a new Work Capability Assessment that simply checks whether the ‘victim’ is alive, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Government said: “The Department for Work and Pensions is committed to creating a benefits system fit for twenty first century Tory Britain, where the needy are hounded to death, and where mercenary healthcare professionals declare everybody fit for work regardless of medical evidence.”

“Thanks to groundbreaking research by Iain Duncan Smith, it is now an established scientific fact that the Nazis were correct when they claimed ‘work sets you free’. And because Britain voted for freedom on 23 June 2016, the DWP now has a clear mandate to declare everybody fit for work, regardless of medical evidence to the contrary.”

“Our new Work Capability Assessment will be undertaken by healthcare professionals with no actual medical training, who will ask a single question: are you dead or alive?”

“If the victim is alive or unable to produce an up to date CV that proves they died in a DWP approved industrial accident, they will be declared fit for work and have their benefits stopped.”

“This is the will of the people as expressed on 23 June last year, which is irrevocable and must be respected, forever.”



Baby Jesus and his parents should have been sanctioned and left to starve, say DWP

Baby Jesus and his parents Joseph and Mary should have been sanctioned and then left to starve over the Christmas period, the Department for Work and Pensions has claimed.

The DWP announced: “The parents of baby Jesus made poor lifestyle choices and were economic migrants, and thus would have faced the full wrath of the DWP’s regime of vicious sanctions had they attempted to enter the UK to look for food and shelter.”

“Our fake statistics prove that stopping people’s benefits for no good reason is working, by plunging them and their family into poverty and sometimes causing them to starve to death, thereby reducing the benefit bill and reducing the number of Labour voters.”

“Without a doubt, DWP employees would have been able to concoct grounds for imposing severe sanctions on baby Jesus and his parents, leading to their starvation and possibly death. Thanks to this punishment, Joseph and Mary would have become motivated enough to write an excellent CV and then find jobs on zero hour contracts.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Although our glorious Fuhrer claims to be some kind of Christian in order to appear human, her values are in fact the exact opposite to what Jesus Christ preached.”

“But there is one teaching that Mrs May agrees with, it’s the one that says people should give away all their earthly wealth, preferably to people who are already extremely rich like she is.”

“By keeping people poor and near starvation, we’re really just doing the Lord’s work. Merry Christmas.”


Auschwitz documentary was ‘monstrously unfair’ on the camp guards, claims Damian Green

A critically acclaimed documentary about the horror and inhumanity of the Auschwitz concentration camp is monstrously unfair on the camp guards, Damian Green has announced.

Speaking to the BBC, the Work and Pensions Secretary said: “Not only is this documentary a work of fiction, it is also monstrously unfair on the soldiers who guarded the concentration camp, many of whom had to work in fucking difficult conditions and were merely following orders from their boss at the DWP.”

“I have identified a number of efficiency savings that I would have put in place at Auschwitz had I been Work and Pensions Secretary of Germany at that time.”

“For a start, I would have forced inmates to work for free in Poundland. In addition, I would have implemented a regime of sanctions that would see people have their money cut off and subsequently starve to death for frivolous reasons.”

“The Tory regime of which I am part have policies so cruel and ruthless they would make Adolf Hitler himself blush”, Green added.


Remove benefit claimants from electoral register, demands Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly demanded that those in receipt of benefits be removed from the electoral register, according to a letter leaked to the press today.

The Work and Pensions Secretary justified his request by arguing that it is unfair that people not currently paying into the system, either through working or by being high net wealth individuals, should be allowed to have a say in how public money is spent.

His letter to the Prime Minister went on to suggest that withdrawing the right to vote in this way, would provide a “much needed incentive for the workshy, ill and disabled to find work”, and for those in work to stay “in work and off benefits”. The letter also questioned whether those under the age of 25, who tend to be “more prone to idealism”, ought to be permitted to vote, albeit with a possible exception “for members of the Young Conservatives.”

There is speculation in Westminster that the timing of this letter is related to the upcoming referendum on whether the UK should leave the EU, and a possible snap general election that some are predicting to take place thereafter. In this context, barring  voters who are the least likely to vote for ‘Brexit’ or for the Conservative Party, may be seen by some as a useful measure.

A DWP spokeswoman refused to comment directly on the leaked letter, but told reporters: “Iain Duncan Smith believes that in a perfect world everybody would be able to enjoy a full suite of human rights, but with rights come responsibilities, and some rights should only be granted to those who have paid-in.”