It is in the national interest to suspend democracy for a while, to prevent the people from stopping Brexit or voting me out of power, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking to journalists on a flight to the United States, the Prime Minister said: “I am on my way to lick the boots of President Trump, and I have better things to do than contemplate trivial matters like whether the public want to be ruled by a far-right authoritarian, or whether we should crash the economy and leave the little people to starve to death in the aftermath.”
“It is simply not in the national interest to let the public have a say at this point, because there’s a chance they might boot me out of power and stop Brexit.”
“I am clear that the public chose this strong and stable government to rule over them after a fair and democratic election, and it is despicable that some antisemites and terrorist sympathisers are now agitating to overthrow the Will of the People via the ballot box.”
“However, I am willing to allow an election in 2022, by which time we’ll be out of the EU with no deal, the NHS will have been sold off to American corporations, and hundreds of thousands of low net worth individuals will have died as a result of Universal Credit.”
Putting Jeremy Corbyn into power would wreck the economy, according to a woman who is busy wrecking the economy, it has emerged.
“It is very important that the voting public make the correct choice and elect a strong and stable dictatorship, I mean government to rule over them.”
“The Conservative Party has a whole raft of wonderful policies designed to rob from the poor and give to the oppressed rich elite, and to make ordinary people’s lives even more hopeless than they already are.”
“If that doesn’t convince you to vote Tory, then perhaps our massive fake news campaign will.”
“But whatever you do, don’t vote for Jeremy Corbyn, because he’s unelectable. I haven’t got any evidence to back this up, but he’s bad news and will definitely wreck the economy almost as much as the Conservative Party has.”
A spokesperson from the BBC said: “As the propaganda arm of the Conservative Party, the BBC can confirm that everything Theresa May says is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
“We are also obliged to tell you that the Labour Party is double plus bad.”
The BBC has decided to go mad at the slightest slip up by Labour, while letting the cruel Tories get away with murder, it has emerged.
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “Cruel bullies from the general public are victimising our beloved leader Theresa May, sometimes trying to ask her things about food banks or Brexit, despite the fact that she doesn’t have any answers.”
“Therefore, to uphold the impartiality of the BBC, it has been decided that we must redressing the balance by adopting an even stronger pro-Tory, anti-Labour bias than we usually have.”
“Between now and June the 8th, the BBC will no longer report on anything that could possibly harm the prospect of the Conservative landslide.”
“Things like Tory MPs being prosecuted for electoral fraud, Theresa May being unable to answer questions about any subject without parroting one of three soundbites, or the social and economic disaster that the Brexiteers have brought on Britain. All out of the question now.”
“The BBC will also intensify the way it seizes upon even the smallest gaffe from Labour, attempting to magnify it into something the public can perceive as a huge scandal and a good reason to vote Conservative against their best interests.”
Mrs Kuenssberg added: “And if there are no actual gaffes to report, I’ll just make up some more fake news about Jeremy Corbyn again.”
The Conservative Party will do a much better job of concealing its massive electoral fraud this time, senior party figures have announced.
One senior Conservative Minister said: “Lies and electoral fraud are the only ways my party can ever win a general election, and we’re all out of lies.”
“I’m not saying we’re going to do anything criminal this time, but we’ve definitely learned lessons from 2015, when a significant number of Conservative candidates won their seats after spending much more than the legal spending limits.”
When asked to clarify the extent to which the Conservatives plan to cheat at the upcoming general election, the Minister added: “The PM is not big on making actual promises to the people, in fact she’d be happier if the working classes just didn’t exist, but what I can promise them is that my party will do literally anything to win and we will also do a much better job of concealing our electoral fraud this time around.”
“If we get found out again we can always call another snap general election to divert attention from our criminality.”
Just trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, senior Tories have pleaded.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “My party lied or cheated in every single general election we have ever won.”
“But this time the people should definitely trust us with the economy which we always put into recession, and the public services which we always destroy.”
“The public have to know that if they don’t vote Tory this time, then Labour might get in and start doing things like revitalising the economy and properly funding things like education and the NHS, and that would represent a major threat to our national security.”
“Voters who are considering voting Labour must also realise that even if they agree with many of Jeremy Corbyn’ policies, the man is totally unelectable like all previous Labour leaders.”
“Except of course for Tony Blair, who made a pact with Rupert Murdoch to gain his backing for the 1997 general election.”
Member of the public Chris Bumfield, from Plymouth, said: “The Tories have lied and abandoned their election promises before, but I’m willing to give them a seventh chance because in the Sun I read something about Jeremy Corbyn being a dangerous far right extremist and unelectable.”
The British National Party failed because they were too left wing for modern Britain, according to Theresa May.
Reading from a script on the radio, the Prime Minister told the country: “A number of thought criminals on the Facebooks [sic] say my policies are no different to what the BNP proposed in their 2005 election manifesto.”
“It is true that there is a lot in common, notably our shared goal of severe cuts to immigration, leaving the EU, the return of grammar schools, increased defence spending, strong leadership, and hatred of human rights.”
“But they are wrong about one thing. My Government is even further to the right of the BNP when it comes to recognising the threat to national security posed by the NHS.”
“And unlike the BNP, the Conservatives are steadfast in our determination to vanquish the NHS once and for all, as Churchill did with the German National Socialists in the Second World War.”
“And if my glorious Reich lasts for a thousand years, people will say this was my finest hour.”
Asked what she would say to undecided voters to convince them to vote Conservative, Mrs May said: “I’m glad you asked me that approved question, for which I have this conveniently pre-prepared answer to read out.”
“Vote for hate, vote to be poorer, vote to be increasingly criminalised, vote for falling education and health standards, vote Conservative.”