Tag Archives: EU

No evidence for massive Russian involvement in EU referendum, say politicians who benefited from it

There is ‘no evidence’ for massive Russian involvement in the EU referendum, according to politicians who benefited from it.

A cabinet source told Newscrasher: “The Prime  Minister is very grateful to Vladimir Putin for all the clandestine funding and assistance he has given the Tories and UKIP in recent years, without which she would not have been able to take power and turn the country into a fascist dictatorship.”

“However, the government still maintains there is no real evidence for corrupt Russian involvement in the EU referendum, because it would be really inconvenient and people might finally recognise us for the corrupt shits we truly are.”

“The same goes for the 2015 general election which my party won by committing massive electoral fraud, again helped by Russian money.”

Commenting on recent revelations about Russian meddling in British politics, Nigel Farage said: “When Hillary Clinton first exposed me as a Russian agent working to destabilise Europe and the UK for personal financial gain, I was initially quite worried that my time on the gravy train might be up.”

“But then I remembered that a majority of the British public are actually stupid enough to believe anything that a far-right demagogue like me tells them, even when I put out full-on Nazi propaganda.”

Further reading: The Kremlin’s Trojan Horses

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EU leaders were simply too scared to approach me, insists Theresa May

The other EU leaders did not shun me, they were simply too scared to approach me, Theresa May has insisted.

The Prime Minister told journalists: “I went in there armed to the teeth with bullshit soundbites about doing a red, white and blue Brexit, ready to battle for Britain like a true war hero.”

“If you look again at the video of me being ignored, you’ll see that the other leaders were actually just terrified of me. Their fear of my negotiating prowess was palpable, and clearly they all realised the only way for them to avoid defeat would be to avoid playing the game at all.”

One EU leader told Newscrasher: “British Prime Minister Theresa May is the best leader in the history of Europe, even more illustrious than Nicolae Ceausescu or Benito Mussolini. We were all really afraid to approach her in case she instantly vanquished us with a string of empty soundbites.”

On the EU negotiations, Tory MP Jacob Rees Mogg said: “Our exit from the EU will be so easy, we might as well wait out the full two years after triggering Article 50, and only begin negotiating at one minute before the deadline is up. I am unaware of anything that could possibly go wrong, save for acts of treason by unpatriotic remainers.”

“The onus will be on the EU to agree to our terms, or face being completely isolated from this great nation, so I’m pretty sure they’ll agree to all our selfish demand to stop contributing while still keeping all the stuff we like.”

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We can’t enter Brexit negotiations with even the remotest idea about what we’re doing, argue Brexiteers

The UK government must not go into the Brexit negotiations with any kind of plan or objectives, leading Brexiteers have argued.

Members of Parliament have demanded that the government outline their plan for negotiating the United Kingdom’s exit from the EU, but ministers hit back by arguing that this would require the government to actually come up with some ideas and a workable plan, which would be an impossible task even for a genius polymath like Boris Johnson.

Liam Fox said: “It is essential that we negotiate the best possible deal for Britain, and this means our negotiating position must kept absolutely secret, even from ourselves.”

“When our negotiators disembark the royal yacht and enter talks with the EU, it is paramount we ensure they have absolutely no idea what to do or say, or even why they are there in the first place.”

“A cynical observer might say the government does in fact have a plan, and that this plan involves the classical Tory scheme of fleecing the working class for the benefit of the wealthy, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Newscrasher also invited Michael Gove to comment, but he and his wife were reportedly far too busy engaging in a posh version of child-neglect to respond.

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Scientists and experts can f*** off, say Leave voters

Scientists and experts will not be welcome in post-Brexit Britain, Leave voters have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, who still believes Brexit will be a success, said: “When a minority of the electorate voted for Britain to leave the European Union, the nation stuck two fingers up at experts and people who know things.”

“This country squanders far too much money on vanity projects and pointless research. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believe this money could be better spent bombing other countries where brown people live, or researching how to keep the property market inflated to such an extent that the young will never be able to afford a house.”

“The sooner we can boot our lazy scientists off the EU gravy train the better. Let them get ordinary jobs, like a zero-hours contract at Sports Direct, where their education and training can go to waste.”

Leave campaigner and Michael Gove told the BBC: “The public have had enough of experts with their facts and rational thought.”

“What Britain wants is to be force-fed a seductive concoction of pure lies and hatred, and thereby be fooled into taking the monumentally stupid decision to leave the EU.”

“Now that we’ve cheated our way to victory in the referendum, the so-called ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ just need to stop talking-down Britain with their cynical fact-mongering.”

“It doesn’t matter one iota that we’re wrecking the economy or destroying our capability to do world-leading scientific research.  Taking back control is simply worth so much more, and I am one hundred per cent sure that an independent UK will reap all kinds of intangible benefits that none of us are able to specify.”

However, scientists are fighting back against the anti-intellectualist dogma. Astrophysicist Prof. Stephen Hawking recently caused controversy when he called for the European Space Agency to launch Gove, Johnson and Farage into the Cygnus X-1 black hole, calling them ‘a non-virialised cluster of supermassive arseholes’.

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