Tag Archives: fraud

UK News

UKIP’s Paul Nuttall pledges to represent Stoke-on-Trent Central from prison

Leave a comment

If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.

The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”

“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”

“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”

Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”

UK News

Let’s investigate Jeremy Corbyn before investigating Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, Tories say

2 Comments

Frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn should be given priority over investigations into Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, the Tories have announced.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd said: “There is a large number of truly shitty things that Conservatives have done over the years, including electoral fraud, human rights abuses in the Battle of Orgreave, and weaponising hunger, but it’s simply not in the national interest to investigate any of it.”

“Society would definitely cease to function if the people were to find out about all the different ways we’ve been screwing them and ruining their lives.”

“However, the national interest would be very well served by launching frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn, to get to the bottom of the very serious allegation made by Laura Kuenssberg that Mr. Corbyn is in fact an antisemitic antichrist vampire.”

A spokesperson for the BBC also announced that the broadcaster would no longer provide coverage or comment on any scandals involving Conservative governments, arguing that ‘these matters are now closed for all time’.