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UK News

BBC to stop covering anything Labour say or do

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The BBC will cease to give any coverage to anything the Labour Party say or do, it has been announced.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “The Conservatives won the 2015 general election, and the BBC will now respect the will of the people by completely ignoring the Labour Party.”

“The total absence of Labour from the BBC should then give the impression that Labour provide no opposition whatsoever, and subsequently we expect the popularity of the party to fall even further.”

The former Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “But don’t worry, from time to time we’ll still run negative stories on Jeremy Corbyn, like the one where we blamed him for all the delays on Southern Rail services.”

Labour’s Hilary Benn said: “I have nothing but praise for this visionary new policy of overt bias against a party I am trying to destroy from the inside.”

“I agree with anything that damages Jeremy Corbyn and his mostly left wing shadow cabinet.”

“I pray that Labour will soon abandon its unrealistic ideals such as helping the poor and vulnerable, or having proper public services, and go back to its right wing, warmongering roots.”

UK News

Hilary Benn: UK should be bombing Syrian children right now

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The United Kingdom should be bombing children in Syria just like the Assad regime and Russia, Hilary Benn has maintained.

The MP for Leeds Central and former Shadow Foreign Secretary said: “When I saw the photo of that little wounded boy from Aleppo all covered in blood, my first thought was of the rousing nationalist speech I gave in Parliament in support of bombing Syria.”

“If the right wing dominance of the Labour Party lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, this was my finest hour.”

“I also feel deeply ashamed that British pilots are not taking part in the bombing of civilian areas, righteously wounding and killing defenceless people of all ages.”

SAS veteran Ross Kemp added: “I’m disgusted that Jeremy Corbyn opposed military action in Syria, denying  a hard-man like me the chance to front a reality TV show about the Syria war, on a TV channel owned by my good friend and Labour Tomorrow funder Rupert Murdoch.”

“I’m also deeply worried that Corbyn might victimise Rupert Murdoch by enacting policies that could violate his human right to accumulate extreme wealth without actually paying taxes.”

“And that is why I fully support the heroic campaign of backstabbing and protracted leadership challenges that Labour’s hard right moderates have been prosecuting against the elected unelectable leader of the Labour Party.”