Tag Archives: liam fox

Chlorinated chicken perfectly safe for benefit claimants and low earners, government says

Chlorinated chicken from the United States is perfectly safe for low earners and people on benefits, it has been decided.

Speaking to journalists, the Liam Fox said: “My party has worked hard to bring British wages and living conditions into line with other third world countries, and our proposed trade deal with the United States will soon bring food our standards down to a similarly low level.”

“Some people have begun to notice the increase in their cost of living as a result of Brexit. Thankfully,  innovative American food processing techniques such as pumping livestock full of harmful pharmaceuticals and soaking chicken in chlorine will soon be within reach of British consumers, to help them make ends meet at the expense of their long term health.”

“And if our Brexit omnishambles continues as planned, it won’t be very long before the average Briton will only be able to afford the shittiest of American food imports. The excellent reduction in life expectancy of ordinary people will dramatically reduce the burden on the NHS, and should facilitate further tax cuts for wealthy Conservative voters.”

Brexiteer David Davis added: “It would be racist and undemocratic to prevent substandard American produce from entering a sovereign United Kingdom.”

“We are considering legislation that would force consumers to purchase and eat a mandatory minimum quantity of this substandard produce, or face up to six months in prison.”

“If British farmers cannot compete, then they should look at ways they can become more efficient, perhaps through the use of potentially dangerous chemicals, or by placing themself on a zero-hours contract.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the self-styled ‘Hammer of the Poor’, also claimed: “A large number of disabled people have personally thanked me for voting to cut their benefits by £30 a week, because now they can only afford to eat delicious sausages made from mechanically recovered faecal matter, imported from America.”

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We can’t enter Brexit negotiations with even the remotest idea about what we’re doing, argue Brexiteers

The UK government must not go into the Brexit negotiations with any kind of plan or objectives, leading Brexiteers have argued.

Members of Parliament have demanded that the government outline their plan for negotiating the United Kingdom’s exit from the EU, but ministers hit back by arguing that this would require the government to actually come up with some ideas and a workable plan, which would be an impossible task even for a genius polymath like Boris Johnson.

Liam Fox said: “It is essential that we negotiate the best possible deal for Britain, and this means our negotiating position must kept absolutely secret, even from ourselves.”

“When our negotiators disembark the royal yacht and enter talks with the EU, it is paramount we ensure they have absolutely no idea what to do or say, or even why they are there in the first place.”

“A cynical observer might say the government does in fact have a plan, and that this plan involves the classical Tory scheme of fleecing the working class for the benefit of the wealthy, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Newscrasher also invited Michael Gove to comment, but he and his wife were reportedly far too busy engaging in a posh version of child-neglect to respond.

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Pound is 147th best performing currency of the year, boasts Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog

Liam Fox has boasted that the British Pound is now the 147th best performing currency of 2016, it has emerged.

The Secretary of State for International Trade said: “Beating both the Nigerian Naira and Angolan Kwanza shows what an economic powerhouse Brexit Britain is becoming.”

“We are now within only a few percent of the Mozambique New Metical.”

Dr. Fox continued: “Our competitiveness with these African superpowers proves that not only will Brexit be a massive success, but the entire world will be queueing up to invest United Nations peacekeeping resources in us, creating exciting new trade opportunities for arms dealers and prostitution.”

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Hubble discovery paves way for post-Brexit intergalactic free trade, says Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Liam Fox has welcomed the recent discovery by the Hubble Space Telescope of at least 2 trillion galaxies in the Universe, ten times as many as were previously thought to exist.

“It boggles the mind that over 90 percent of the galaxies in the universe have yet to be studied. Who knows what interesting properties we will find when we discover these galaxies with future generations of telescopes?” said Christoper Conselice from the University of Nottingham.

Disgraced former minister of defence Liam Fox hailed the breakthrough as a boon for hard Brexit: “This will hopefully show the doubters to Brexit that there isn’t just a whole world out there but a whole universe, so Britain doesn’t actually need the EU.”

“I predict that by next March we will have contacted at least 90 percent of the governments of all the planets in all the galaxies in the Universe, and will have negotiated an intergalactic free trade area spanning many cubic Gigaparsecs in size.”

“Of course, if the European Union wants to join it’ll have to pay us or face our massive space wonder weapons, which of course we have kept secret up until now. It’s all very exciting.”

Mr. Fox, who is known to be a complete twat, also praised the massive contribution that British science has made to discovering the Universe. “Once again this shows us to be better than everyone else, and now we get to name everything that’s out there in space. Because of this, the government will be introducing the Universe Named After Margaret Thatcher Bill in the next Queen’s speech. I can’t wait to stargaze at the constellation Murdoch.”

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Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, claims Liam Fox

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, government minister Liam Fox has claimed.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, the Secretary of State for International Trade said: “The government welcomes warnings by the CBI that food bills will rise.”

“Britons are fat and lazy, so an increase in the cost of food should result in significant weight loss as people who don’t vote Conservative are forced to tighten their belt, literally, we hope. Britain will then be merely lazy”

“Regrettably, food bank use and starvation will dramatically rise, and some vulnerable people may end up dead as a result.”

“But every cloud has a silver lining. Finally we will be able to point to a tangible benefit of leaving the European Union.”

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