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Medicinal cannabis is way worse than letting children die, insists Theresa May

Allowing patients to access medicinal cannabis would be far worse than simply letting children die, the Prime Minister has announced.

Speaking at a dinner party with city bankers, Theresa May warned: “There  is a word that I cannot bear to hear uttered in my presence. That word is cannabis, the name of the most dangerous and addictive drug known to science.”

“This terrifying drug is a thousand times more addictive than cocaine, the expensive recreational drug that many members of my own party regularly use when cavorting with prostitutes. Even worse, cannabis is inexpensive enough to be available to people from all walks of life, including groups my party hates, such as immigrants, non-whites, and the working class.”

“Some people in the anti-British media have asked why I lied to Billy Caldwell’s mum about getting her son the treatment he needed to stay alive. It’s because my Christian faith tells me that it is better for people to simply be left to die than to receive medicinal cannabis or evil socialist healthcare from the NHS. This applies to children as well as to adults, both of whom can be guilty of poor lifestyle choices such as being born into a family that is not wealthy enough to go private.”

After taking a sip of human blood from the gilded chalice she clutched with her bony, grasping fingers, the Prime Minister added:  “The media should stop challenging my government for all the nasty shit we are doing, and should instead focus on holding the opposition to account, like the BBC does so well these days under Laura Kuenssberg.”

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