Nigel Farage has launched a tirade against Remainers for not being stupid enough to understand the case for Brexit, it has been reported.
Speaking on LBC Radio, the firebrand hate preacher said: “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of having to keep re-stating the case for Brexit, only to find that Remoaners are simply not stupid enough to understand any of it.”
“Not only will we make ourselves richer by becoming a lot poorer, we will also finally become a fascist state, free from the evil centrism and human rights imposed by the EUSSR.”
“To paraphrase George Orwell: Hate is love, poverty is wealth, Brexit is Brexit.”
“One Remoaniac who phoned in for an argument insisted incessantly that 2+2=4, when my calculations made on the back of a cigarette packet have already established, with the help of the right wing press, that 2+2 definitely equals 5.”
“I guess he didn’t get the memo announcing that Britain doesn’t need experts any more. The country is doing just fine with outrageously anti-intellectual liars like Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Theresa May in charge.”
Just trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, senior Tories have pleaded.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “My party lied or cheated in every single general election we have ever won.”
“But this time the people should definitely trust us with the economy which we always put into recession, and the public services which we always destroy.”
“The public have to know that if they don’t vote Tory this time, then Labour might get in and start doing things like revitalising the economy and properly funding things like education and the NHS, and that would represent a major threat to our national security.”
“Voters who are considering voting Labour must also realise that even if they agree with many of Jeremy Corbyn’ policies, the man is totally unelectable like all previous Labour leaders.”
“Except of course for Tony Blair, who made a pact with Rupert Murdoch to gain his backing for the 1997 general election.”
Member of the public Chris Bumfield, from Plymouth, said: “The Tories have lied and abandoned their election promises before, but I’m willing to give them a seventh chance because in the Sun I read something about Jeremy Corbyn being a dangerous far right extremist and unelectable.”
Paul Nuttall is currently building a time machine that he claims will allow him to travel back through time and do things all the things he has lied about doing, it has emerged.
Speaking to BBC, which has been giving inexplicably undue airtime to his party of fringe lunatics, Dr. Nuttall said: “Although people have doubted for years that time travel is possible, can I just remind the voters of stoke I have a PhD. And even if I don’t I will soon go back in time and make it so.”
Nuttall also plans to leave himself a copy of the 1957 sports almanac, and to place a bet on 96 people dying at Hillsborough in 1989: “If it worked for Donald Trump and Biff Tannen it can work for me.”
Among the historical events that Nuttall plans to attend are the invasion of Poland by Germany that triggered World War 2, and the assassination of Clement Attlee in 1946 which prevented the NHS being established in an alternative reality.
Nuttall also spoke of looking forward to torchlit rallies with kindred spirits at Nuremberg, and meeting General Pinochet in 1973.
“My favourite event however will be to go for a drink with Vladimir Putin in East Germany. There’s so much I can teach him, and learn from him.”
By Horace McSavage and Jeff Sanchez
UKIP loud-mouth Paul Nuttall has sensationally claimed that he was in attendance when the Enola Gay dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima in 1945.
Nuttall, who wasn’t even born at the time, maintains he was there on the ground and witnessed all 129,000 deaths.
In a statement released earlier today, the UKIP leader claimed: “It was like something out of Terminator 2. The skin was just blowing off people and everything. It was just horrible and I don’t really like to talk about it.”
“Just like I prefer not to talk about that old video of me calling for privatisation of the NHS.”
Nuttall went on to furiously deny accusations that he was lying about being there just to pick up a few sympathy votes. “Anyone who says I wasn’t there is simply part of a left-wing media conspiracy. They’re just out to paint me as a lying, conniving, contemptible little shit who’ll say anything to get elected.”
Everybody must now respect the democratic will of people who were sold a pack of outrageous lies about the benefits of leaving the EU, leading Brexiters have decided.
Speaking outside Parliament, David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June, the people voted for the pack of outrageous lies that I and others sold them. We must now respect the democratic will of the people who we scammed into voting to leave the EU, and anybody who fails to do so is clearly anti-democratic and an enemy of the people.”
Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Like many people I want to leave the EU because I am xenophobic and do not like foreigners and non-whites moving to my provincial town, but to save face among my family and friends I needed to find some rational-sounding reasons to vote Leave.”
“Thankfully, Boris and an assortment of other alleged criminals helpfully provided a number of transparent lies that would give racists like me the plausible deniability we needed.”
“Just because the case for leaving the EU was composed entirely of lies, the government should still go through with this purely ideological and hugely destructive constitutional change. This is what democracy is all about.”