Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.
The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”
“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”
“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”
“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”
“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”
“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”
A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.
Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”
“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”
“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”
“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”
“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”
“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”
Michael Gove has been awarded Conservative Parent of the Year, it has been announced.
Accepting the trophy at a London bash sponsored by The Sun, Mr Gove said: “It is a great honour to receive this award in recognition of my commitment to extremely poor parenting, and sometimes outright child neglect.”
“We believe in teaching our children to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet while my wife and I go to late night parties, returning home in the early hours.”
“This trophy which will have pride of place on our mantlepiece alongside various other awards, including lying Tory scrote of the year and backstabbing shit of the year.”
“It’s only a quarter past one in the morning, so the night is still young. My wife and I will now proceed to eat caviar and quaff Champagne for several additional carefree hours, while the child we have abandoned in the hotel room anxiously awaits our return.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
A terrible new disease has emerged since the EU referendum and it could devastate Britain, doctors have warned.
Named after former Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove, who medical researchers have now identified as ‘patient zero’, the disease causes sufferers to helplessly stick their fingers in their ears and shout “LALALALALALA I’ve had enough of experts.”
Researchers have likened Gove Disease to the dancing plague of 1518, which saw around 400 people dance for several days without rest in Strasbourg, some of whom subsequently died.
Psychologists believe Gove Disease is caused by the contradictory feelings its sufferers have, known in academic circles as ‘cognitive dissonance’.
However, not all scientists accept that Gove Disease is real. (And like the BBC, in the interest of balance we must show both sides of the controversy, even if it means giving exposure to pseudoscientists and idiots.)
Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute told Newscrasher: “I do not accept this is a real illness. If anything, it’s just the next step up in human evolution.”
When we asked Professor Bumfield whether he accepts global warming is real he immediately started shouting LALALALA and stuck his fingers in his ears.
Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has today launched a campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses.
Mr Gove told reporters: “My visionary Clean for the Queen scheme is a call to arms for the common man to solve two problems: the homelessness life style choice, and the lack of funding for street cleaners due to local government inefficiency. I believe inside every homeless person is an aspirational conservative voter trying to get out, and I believe powerful fire hoses will motivate them to get up, get off benefits and into a job.”
The fire hose solution was first mooted by the Justice Secretary’s political hero and then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was eventually talked out of it by her then Home Secretary Douglas Hurd.
During the subsequent photo-call, Mr Gove mucked in with anti homeless conservative volunteers, where he hosed passerby Jeremy, aged 66, from Islington who had been mistaken for a tramp due to his lack of Savile Row tailoring.
Unfortunately, several members of the public mistook Gove for something else, and an attempt was made to deposit him in a nearby dog waste bin before he squirmed free shouting “it’s me Michael, I’m from the government.”