Tag Archives: momentum

Undercover reporters discover chilling evidence of democracy in the Labour Party

Undercover reporters have found chilling evidence for democracy in the Labour Party, it has emerged.

After infiltrating public meetings between members of the Labour Party, the journalists made the shocking discovery that some people are interested in replacing politicians with new ones who will actually work in the interests of the people.

The explosive revelations of democracy in the Labour Party were broadcast by Channel 4’s Dispatches on Monday 19 September.

One of the journalists involved told Newscrasher: “A close ally of war criminal Tony Blair tasked us to do a hatchet job on the Momentum organisation, to try to damage Jeremy Corbyn and influence the leadership election”.

“He hit the roof when we told him we didn’t find anything untoward, so we just used strange camera angles and weird music to give the impression that something sinister was going down in those meetings”.

“We also found evidence for a Trotskyite creche, which is basically just an ordinary creche”.

Labour MP for Exeter Ben Bradshaw commented: “I fully oppose moves to deselect sitting MPs like me who are blatantly not working for the interests of the people who elected them, especially the undeserving poor who we now know created the recent global economic collapse.”

“Once elected, being a member of Parliament should be a job for life, even if they sell out their constituents like I have”.

Momentum is a terrorist organisation and has WMDs, claims Blair

The left-wing Labour group Momentum is a terrorist organisation and is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has claimed.

The disgraced former prime minister made the claim after a press conference in which he and Labour General Secretary Iain McNicol released an official list of forbidden words, along with a list of officially sanctioned alternative words and phrases.

Using any of the proscribed words  will disqualify Labour members from being able to vote in the leadership election.

Among the most important changes are:

‘Momentum’ must now only be referred to as ‘the entryist terror organisation Momentum’.

‘War criminal Tony Blair’ is to be replaced by ‘illustrious hero Tony Blair’.

‘Blairites’ can now only be called ‘Moderate left wing saviours of the middle classes and swing voters’.

Blairite Ben Bradshaw told Newscrasher:”As illustrious hero Tony Blair says, Momentum is a kind of terrorist organisation, possibly with WMDs ready to use in as little as 45 minutes, and should be banned immediately.”

“This would be a double-plus-good leap forward in our herculean quest to stop Labour from being in any way left-wing, or opposing the cruel austerity policies of the Tories with which I broadly agree.”

Image credit: K. Singh

Note added in proof (30 Aug 2016): When we wrote this satirical story (4 Aug 2016), little did we know that Iain McNicol would cynically and undemocratically set about blocking Labour Party members and supporters from voting in the leadership election, using a very similar kind of language policing to what we imagine herein. One has to wonder, are the coup plotters in the PLP getting their ideas from satire sites like ours?