Morrissey has released a long awaited new single, titled Heaven Knows I’m Fascist now, it has been confirmed.
Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Smiths front man said: “As somebody with far right sympathies, it really angers me that career criminal Tommy Robinson has once again been jailed after pleading guilty to a crime he definitely committed.”
“As a minor football hooligan who has done nothing with his life except commit a string of crimes and then talk about it on TV, Tommy Robinson is a hero to me and should be immediately freed because a bunch of other hooligans say so.”
“They went on a violent march in London and everything, surely that tells you all you need to know about the incredible racial purity of Robinson’s movement.”
“In solidarity with Robinson, I have released my new single called Heaven Knows I’m Fascist Now, which I hope will raise awarenes among the public about what a cunt I have become.”
Finally, our time is up and I get up to leave. Morrissey offers a final quote: “Look at me everyone, I’m still here and seeking your attention, any attention at all, just don’t let me fade away into obscurity.”
A far right activist has spent hours using Photoshop to create a professional looking meme that is littered with unfortunate grammatical errors, it has emerged.
Internet fascist Chris Bumfield said: “I spent an entire afternoon in my darkened bedroom making a visually appealing meme that I believed would rally internet users to my hateful cause.”
“Like many online racists I still live with my Mum and do not have a job or a girlfriend, but this means I am fortunate enough to have loads of free time to blame foreigners and ethnic minorities for the fact that I still live with my Mum and do not have a job or a girlfriend.”
“However, due to my poor knowledge of the English language, the racist memes I create are often littered with grammatical errors. Especially apostrophes, which are usually absent or placed incorrectly.”
“Sadly, this negates the effectiveness of my propaganda, which becomes a source of mirth for non-racist social media users instead.”
“If I had two brain cells to knock together, I would probably find it ironic that I like to publicly abuse foreigners for not speaking English, when I have such a poor grasp of the language myself.”
“If I’m honest, it would probably be a better use of my time if I just stuck to masturbating over Britain First’s Jayda Fransen instead.”
The National Health Service needs to become a lot more racist in the way it deals with its patients, government officials have announced.
It is understood that hospital staff will be required by law to demand proof of Britishness before treatment is given, with evaluations being conducted at huge expense by mercenary nurses supplied by Atos or G4S. If a valid British passport with at least 6 months before expiry cannot be provided, the patient will be asked to fill a 12 page questionnaire about the benefits of Brexit.
A senior figure from the Department of Health said: “Health tourism is an insignificant problem that has been blown out of proportion by the press, but it does offers an excellent excuse to introduce systems for identity checks and patient charging into our hospitals.”
“To avoid alerting the general populace to our intentions, initially only ‘bad’ foreigners will face a charges NHS treatment. However, once Jeremy Hunt’s dastardly plan to defund the NHS has taken its toll, we think the public will accept the introduction of a ‘sickness penalty tax’, to be levied on everyone who needs NHS treatment and whose earnings are below the widely accepted scrounger/striver threshold of £100,000 a year.”
“Our objective is to make the NHS a lot fairer to rich people who resent that a small fraction of the tax they pay goes to fund socialised healthcare provision for people who are less wealthy than they are.”
Medical professionals are not impressed, however. One NHS doctor told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the human body can survive for extended periods without a brain. I’m actually preparing an article for publication in The Lancet about this.”
Being a racist country is much more important than prosperity and tolerance, the Prime Minister has decided.
Speaking to a fawning Andrew Marr who failed to ask any difficult questions, Theresa May said: “Although having a strong economy with high levels of employment and prosperity is important, I firmly believe that those things must be sacrificed at the altar of fascism so that we may turn the United Kingdom into a fully fledged racist country.”
“And that is why I am taking the country out of the European Union against the wishes and best interests of the majority of the people.”
In an audibly wavering voice, the Prime Minister continued: “Foreigners who walk among us will need to identify themselves using special badges, so that racists can more readily zero in and express their genuine concerns over immigration using abusive language.”
Speaking directly to Mr. Marr, the dictator added: “This brings us to the end of my list of approved questions, and thanks for not asking me about my secret meeting with my boss, Rupert Murdoch. Your OBE is in the post.”
To which the presenter replied: “Double plus good, your Britannic excellency. Let us stick together to keep the plebs in poverty.”