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UK News

Jacob Rees Mogg slams May’s EU deal over “lack of unicorns”

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Hardline Brexiteers have slammed Theresa May’s deal with the EU over a complete and utter lack of unicorns, it has been announced.

Conservative backbencher Jacob Rees Mogg said: “In the run up to the referendum we promised unicorns and the Government needs to respect the will of the people and give them the unicorns they clearly voted for.”

“It is disappointing to find that the Prime Minister has reached a deal which makes no mention whatsoever of unicorns. Although my nanny hasn’t read it to me yet, so I don’t know all the details, I feel duty bound to respect the sacred will of the people and thus reject it.”

“I also question why the agreement wasn’t written in a more elitist language such as Latin, which upper class twits like me often use to illustrate our supposed superiority over the masses.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I disagree with Theresa May’s deal because it uses correct grammar and spelling throughout, and there are no instanced of isolated words being inexplicably written in ALL UPPER CASE. What’s more, the words their, there and they’re are all used correctly, making the whole thing completely unintelligible to people like me.”

“Arrogant Remoaners claim we didn’t know what we voted for, but I am very clear that Brexit means Brexit and we want all the unicorns we were promised during the referendum campaign. Where are my Brexit unicorns?”

UK News

Jacob Rees Mogg reaches out to urban youth with twerking workshops

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Hard Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg has unveiled plans to reach out to urban youth with twerking workshops and a rap gig, it has been confirmed.

“Under the stage name ‘Notorious J-R Bantz’ I will reach out to young people in ways that Jeremy Corbyn can only dream of, with a series of twerking workshops and a rap gig that will enhance the street credibility of the Conservative party.”

“Some people have questioned my rap credentials, but I was a pioneer of the East London rap scene in the mid 80s in addition to being a prominent member of the Young Conservatives. Some people find it hard to believe I managed to achieve this while also being an amazing student at Eton, but let me assure you I am really that talented.”

“For decades my favourite album has been Cop Killa, but I am also a big fan of Miley Ray Cyrus who would definitely vote Tory with a double-barreled name like that.”

Speaking about his upcoming gig at Boxpark in Croydon, an area which was recently lost by the Tories, Bantz said: “All the yoof should come. It’s going to be totally peng, innit”

UK News

Tories propose ‘youth tax’ to fund increase in pensioner benefits

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Senior back-bench Conservatives and Nigel Farage have called on the government to implement a tax on young people, to fund a massive increase in pensioner benefits during the massive recession that Brexit is expected to provoke.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “The increasing deficit and falling tax revenues are directly related to the failure of young people in this country to work hard enough.”

“Instead, they live a life of luxury in shared houses paying tiny amounts of rent, have meager student debts, and own iPhones. It’s now time to put an end to the lazy and feckless young.”

“I call on the government to introduce a ‘young person tax’ that will apply to anyone under the age of 40 who has not been to public school.”

“I would also like to see the creation of a volunteer service for young people. All under 40s would be required to volunteer for 5 hours a week in the households of over 60s, in order to help social cohesion.”

“Being forced to do tasks such as cooking, cleaning, gardening, and emptying adult nappies would teach the young the importance of taking responsibility for themselves.”

“It is also crucial that we place an immediate ban on the sale of iPhones to young people. This technology is a threat to national security, because it allows young people to complain about Brexit and share information about the Leave campaign’s lies and idiocy.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another Conservative MP and former chancellor who was once photographed with an alleged prostitute, said: “We Conservatives have long realized that the key for us to stay in government is to royally screw the young, on behalf of the older generations.”

“It is therefore vital that hardworking pensioners continue to be rewarded, at the expense of people of working age.”

“It’s actually a very simple scam. People of working age pay for pensions and social provisions for the older generations, who then decide they would like to live more comfortably, and so workers must be made poorer, or the young must be robbed of their future, or both.”

“What terrifies the establishment more than anything, even more than Brexit, is the day when the young experience a politically awakening and realise they are being f*cked over, and by whom.”