Tag Archives: satire

NHS debate not as interesting as giving platform to xenophobes, says David Dimbleby

The debate about the perilous state of the National Health Service is not as interesting as giving a platform to xenophobics, the BBC’s David Dimbleby has argued.

Speaking on this week’s BBC Question Time, the former Bullingdon Club member said: “I take my role as host of the BBC’s flagship propaganda programme extremely seriously, just like the show’s audience producer who deliberately packs the audience with people who support UKIP and other far right groups.”

“For the good of the Government and in the interest of national security, we try to avoid debating the NHS because it’s a topic that tends to favour unelectable left wing parties who actually give a shit about public services and the well being of people.”

“Instead, we arrange it so that the majority of time is taken up with Brexit and other topics that can be used to bully left wing panelists, much to the political advantage of the Conservatives and other right wing extremist parties.”

“And if it looks like a Labour politician is about to make a popular point about how they would spend more on the NHS, I’ll quickly interrupt under the guise of ‘balance’ and state as fact my personal opinion that the Conservatives AND Labour are both wrong.”

Government calls on democracy and rule of law to do its patriotic duty and fuck off

Democracy and the rule of law should do their patriotic duty and fuck off, the government has announced.

Outrageous liar David Davis said: “I didn’t lie my pants off in the referendum and in Parliament, only for Brexit to face meaningful scrutiny in the House of Lords.”

“I now call on the Lords to approve the article 50 bill without any scrutiny whatsoever, or face the fascist wrath of the Government.”

“If they choose to defy the will of the minority who voter for Brexit, by objectively examining our plans and asking difficult questions, then we will be forced to abolish them.”

“In fact, abolishing checks and balances such as the House of Lords and the independent judiciary is long overdue, and you can rest assured that we are prepared to take all necessary steps to ensure our dream of an independent fascist Britain, free from the European shackles of prosperity and human rights, ready to face the challenges of the early 20th century.

Scottish MPs can debate Brexit after we quit EU, says Westminster deputy speaker

Scotland’s Members of Parliament will be given ample time to debate the pros and cons of Brexit after the UK formally leaves the EU, Westminster’s deputy speaker Lindsay Hoyle has announced.

Speaking out about his recent Commons battle against the SNP’s Joanna Cherry, the deputy speaker told Newscrasher: “In the 2015 general election Scotland had the audacity to reject the benevolent rule of the Conservative Party, which has patriotically siphoned billions out of public services and into the hands of high net worth individuals.”

“And to add insult to injury, in 2016 Scotland’s voters defied the patriotic will of the British people by voting to Remain in the hated European Union.”

“By cutting Joanna Cherry off mid speech, I was merely respecting the will of the 17 million utterly clueless people who voted to leave a political union they know next to nothing about, and who get their opinions from fake news in the Daily Mail.”

“Once the UK has formally left the EU I will be more than happy to let SNP MPs take part in debates about the pros and cons of invoking Article 50, and our terms of exit.”

“But for the time being, I’m afraid the will of the people as invented by Theresa May and the right wing tabloids is way more important than democracy, the constitution or the rule of law.”

Eggs make heartfelt appeal not to be thrown at UKIP members

Eggs up and down the country have been pleading with activists not to be thrown at members of the UK Independence Party.

The appeal comes in the wake of the Egging of Nigel Farage and Paul Nuttall, who were targeted by activists on the campaign trail in Stoke on Trent earlier today.

One egg who witnessed the attack spoke to reporters soon after: “It was horrifying! I was in the same carton as two of the eggs that made contact with Nigel Farage’s face.”

The startled egg continued: “Why is it always us eggs that get thrown at repulsive right-wing bigots? What’s wrong with rotten cabbages? Or tomatoes even?”

It seems that, while egg-throwing protestors don’t doubt the validity of the eggs’ complaint, there are no plans to change their missile of choice for the time being.

UKIP’s Paul Nuttall pledges to represent Stoke-on-Trent Central from prison

If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.

The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”

“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”

“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”

Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”

Leave voter excited about ‘getting are country back’ on social media

A leave voter has taken to social media to describe her joy at being one step closer to ‘getting are country back’, it has emerged.

In the comments section of a Guardian story, anonymous user JaydaFransen88 wrote: “I am so glad are MPs have done there duty and respected the will of the 17 million people that voted leave.”

Continuing, Ms Fransen wrote: “Today were another step closer to getting are country back. I hope soon we’ll be able to kick out people I consider to be foreign, and to stop anybody who isn’t British from using the NHS.”

“After all, it’s called the National Health Service not the international health service, and the historical name of a public service is really important and should determine how it is run in the year 2017.”

After taking a quick toilet break and making a call to see how her friend Paul is doing in prison, Ms Fransen returned to her computer and put together a meme containing the words: “British and proud to be getting are country back. Share if you agree and want to help to spread propaganda for a fascist group like Britain First.”

Far right activist spends afternoon creating meme littered with grammatical errors

A far right activist has spent hours using Photoshop to create a professional looking meme that is littered with unfortunate grammatical errors, it has emerged.

Internet fascist Chris Bumfield said: “I spent an entire afternoon in my darkened bedroom making a visually appealing meme that I believed would rally internet users to my hateful cause.”

“Like many online racists I still live with my Mum and do not have a job or a girlfriend, but this means I am fortunate enough to have loads of free time to blame foreigners and ethnic minorities for the fact that I still live with my Mum and do not have a job or a girlfriend.”

“However, due to my poor knowledge of the English language, the racist memes I create are often littered with grammatical errors. Especially apostrophes, which are usually absent or placed incorrectly.”

“Sadly, this negates the effectiveness of my propaganda, which becomes a source of mirth for non-racist social media users instead.”

“If I had two brain cells to knock together, I would probably find it ironic that I like to publicly abuse foreigners for not speaking English, when I have such a poor grasp of the language myself.”

“If I’m honest, it would probably be a better use of my time if I just stuck to masturbating over Britain First’s Jayda Fransen instead.”

Leave voter excited to do low paid job recently vacated by immigrant

A Leave voter is excited about doing a low paid job that used to be done by an immigrant, it has been confirmed.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I have serious concerns about immigration and the high perceived number of foreign born people living in Britain, which is actually just code for the fact that I do not like the presence of people of other nationalities or ethnicities in this country.”

“The fact that Britain will soon face a shortage of labour in jobs that are back-breaking or low-paid is a price worth paying for sticking two fingers up to people who are not white British.”

“Unlike most other Leave voters, I do not expect the younger generations who we have stripped of their rights and their future to pick up the pieces of my Brexit folly.”

“On the contrary, I am planning to end my comfortable retirement so that I can take on one of the low-paid jobs that would have been done by an immigrant before I voted to kick foreigners out.”

“British fruit picking jobs for British patriots is what we voted for.”

Remainers to have plenty of time to debate Brexit after we leave EU, say Tories

There will be plenty of time to debate Brexit after we leave the EU, the Tories have announced.

Speaking on BBC Question Time, Conservative MP James Cleverly argued: “The question of leaving the European Union has already been discussed at length in the media, in pubs and in home all over the country, so it is just unnecessary to have a proper debate about it in Parliament.”

“Of course the details are being kept secret from the people. Theresa May understands all too well that if the public were to learn the truth about how shit their lives will be once we leave the EU, particularly when we abolish worker rights and take away their quality free healthcare, then almost nobody would actually want Article 50 triggered.”

“But to avoid alerting the public to our sinister scheme to wreck their lives, the Government will continue to pretend that it is impossible to give a running commentary on plans for Brexit because we do not wish to show our hand before negotiations begin.”

“Thankfully, quite a lot of people are gullible enough to believe anything our collaborators in the right wing media tell them.”

“For those in Parliament who unpatriotically want to scrutinise the plans and ramifications of leaving the EU, you can rest assured that there will be plenty of time for Remainers to debate Brexit once Article 50 has been triggered, at which point our exit from the EU will be irreversible.”

“Frankly, Brexit is not a big issue any more, because the people have spoken. They clearly support Theresa May’s nearly bloodless coup, in which she has heroically tried to subvert democracy, the rule of law, and the constitution for the financial gain of high net worth individuals.”

Satire based on real quotes from James Cleverly on BBC Question Time, 26 Jan 2017. Youtube URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p76lKInGI4M

Anger as Iain Duncan Smith slams ‘enemies of autocracy’

The High Court judges who ruled in favour of parliamentary sovereignty are ‘shameful enemies of autocracy’ , Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

The former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions went into meltdown immediately after the High Court ruling, ranting: “This is a disgrace which would never have happened under the Nazis.”

“We need to start thinking seriously about abolishing the rule of law, to make sure this kind of aberration doesn’t happen again.”

“How dare these unelected judges rule on a matter of the law, and arrive at an objective and thoughtful judgement. These delicate snowflakes know nothing of the patriotic glory of Brexit Britain, and as such they are truly shameful enemies of autocracy and tyranny.”

“How the fuck is Theresa May supposed to rule Britain as a far right tyrant now?”

“Next I suppose they’ll be telling me that my ruthless war on the unemployed, sick and disabled was a crime against humanity for which I should be prosecuted.”