Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Why my Brexit plan consists entirely of ridiculous threats and crude insults, by Theresa May

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Prime Minister Theresa May writes exclusively for satirical news website Newscrasher

After six months of obediently waiting for Britain’s most beloved People’s Fuhrer to outline her Brexit plan, I can now reveal all the important details of how we will smoothly exit the European Union and secure the best possible deal for Britain, while sticking it to Johnny Foreigner as our loyal tabloids have demanded.

Some people have suggested that there is in fact no plan, or that I am spearheading a secret plot to turn Britain into an extreme-right hell-hole for the benefit of the super rich. But let us not concern ourselves with questions asked of me by unpatriotic liars and suspected thought-criminals, many of whom will soon be dealt with by the full force of the law.

The plan for Brexit is simple yet cunning, and is sure to work. My government will do nothing more than issue ridiculous threats and make crude insults against our European friends and trading partners. We will also call on the EU to stop bullying us, even though it is my government who are the bullies.

Once they are able to understand that it is in their own interest to cave in to all our demands, the Europeans will do so with little regard for how disadvantageous a position it places them in.

My plan for Brexit will revolutionise Britain. We will have trade deals with the entire world, championing free trade. Our farmers will be stripped of their subsidies, our factories will be closed and replaced with cheaper Chinese imports, and our universities will be shut and workhouses erected in their place.

We will once again rule Kenya and Nigeria, and Suez is ours for the taking. India won’t want a free trade deal because they will want something even better – to be ruled by us again.

And finally, I will personally revoke American independence. It’s time they faced up to that fact and once again learned to sing “God Save The Queen”.

In summary, I will give the people of Britain the red, white and blue Brexit they deserve.

Red for the angry faces of xenophobes shouting abuse at foreigners and ethnic minorities.

White for the colour of the poor and vulnerable after we have bled them dry, and quite literally in some cases.

And blue for the Conservative Party’s perpetual rule, after we abolish democracy in all but name and establish a Great British dictatorship of the stupid.

UK News

Theresa May tells business leaders Britain is open for pillaging

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By Horace McSavage and Jeff Sanchez

Theresa May has told businesses leaders that Britain is now open for pillaging, it has emerged.

Speaking at the Davos World Economic Forum, the Prime Minister said: “I want all potential investors to envision Britain as a tax haven for large corporations, where the richest 1% pay nothing at all when they choose to base their companies in the UK.”

“Brexit is a golden opportunity for business, and I have bold plans to improve fairness and social justice by completely eroding bothersome workers’ rights that have for far too long eaten into the profits of hard-working multinational corporations.”

“Under my xenophobic stewardship, Britain is booming. Our biscuits are still above average, and we have pretty good jam as well, at least until our agricultural sector collapses after we deport all the foreign fruit pickers.”

“It is true that many of our banks and industries are planning to quit Britain if we leave the European Union. But who needs jobs or money when you can have a red white and blue Brexit instead?”

Before rushing off stage in a panic, Mrs May added: “Please don’t ask me any questions, because I do not have any answers.”

UK News

Chris Grayling proposes privatisation of cycle lanes

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cycle lanes urgently need to be privatised, Chris Grayling has announced.

The Secretary of State for Transport said: “If cyclists are to be road users, then they must pay through the nose like road users.”

“As the government cannot charge them fuel duty, I propose that a distance meter should be fitted to every bicycle, to charge them the equivalent rate per mile.”

The modern day ‘reverse King Midas’, who turns everything he touches to shit, added: “Part of the proceeds will be set aside to compensate hard working car drivers for the jealousy they sometimes feel through no fault of their own, when they see a cyclist traveling somwhere for free.”

“Govia Thameslink will be given the exclusive license to run cycle lanes, with cyclists and pedestrians funding them.

“I am confident that Govia Thameslink can replicate the success they have made of Southern Rail and will make cycling to work just as expensive and inconvenient.”

The idea has been widely welcomed by drivers.

Motorist Chris Bumfield said: “For years, cyclists have had a free ride, and I can’t wait for them to pay more tax so I can pay less. I look forward to driving through the puddles made from their snowflake tears. They deserve it.”

However, the proposal has been opposed by Labour’s former shadow chancellor, Chris Leslie: “I for one am disappointed the Tories have taken such an extreme approach to cycling.”

“The obvious solution has always been a regionally franchised public private partnership backed by corporate bonds. I believe this creative solution is the one the British public have asked for.”

Newscrasher asked Jeremy Corbyn’s office for comment but were told he was too busy polishing his bike.

UK News

Theresa May confirms Brexshit still means Brexshit

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In a vague speech where she promised to provide clarity at an undefined point in the future, Theresa May has finally confirmed that Brexshit means Brexshit.

“I’ve been asked for clarity about this government’s plan for Brexit, and I cannot be clearer than this: Brexshit means Brexshit.”

“Public opinion as defined by the Sun, Mail and Express is squarely in favour of a hard Brexit that will destroy the lives of ordinary people and allow the rich to get richer, and that is precisely what I intend to do.”

“You proles are already virtually slaves to your greedy employers and the spivs to whom my party sold all your utilities and rail infrastructure.”

“And thanks to Brexit, my government will make Britain even fairer by removing all your rights and selling the NHS to American corporations.”

“As the people’s Fuhrer who likes to wear leather, I have no option other than to follow the will of the people as I interpret it.”

UK News

BBC gets banned from Facebook minutes after launch of ‘fake news’ algorithm

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The BBC has been banned from Facebook within minutes of the social media platform’s launch of a new algorithm that detects and blocks ‘fake news’, it has emerged.

Tory propagandist Laura Kuenssberg expressed concerns about the growing public awareness about ‘fake news’, saying: “As propagandist in chief of the Conservative Party, it is my legal and moral duty to hold the Labour opposition to account using lies and highly biased reporting.”

“When I first heard that ‘fake news’ was to be targeted on social media, I assumed Facebook were looking to crush the independent, left wing news websites that have filled the vacuum left by the predominantly hard-right mainstream media.”

“Sites like The Canary have already done far too much to expose the truth about me and my Conservative masters, and there are many people in parliament or in the mainstream media who would love to see independent, left wing media disappear.”

“However, I was deeply disappointed to learn that news stories put out by fake journalists like me are also going to be put under objective scrutiny.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to keep the working people of Britain ignorant and oppressed if I’m prevented from inserting my lies into the social media feed of unsuspecting voters?”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The PM is absolutely livid, because this raises the possibility that voters may discover the truth about how she’s trying to screw them in so many devious ways.”

A spokeswoman for Facebook has given assurances that users will still be able to opt-in to receive BBC ‘fake news’ in their feeds, but it will come tagged with the words ‘Biased Bullshit Corporation’.

UK News

Paul Nuttall vows to follow in Farage’s footsteps by repeatedly failing to get elected

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Paul Nuttall PhD has big plans to follow in the footsteps of Nigel Farage by repeatedly failing to get elected to the UK parliament, it  has emerged.

Professor Nuttall, who replaced Nigel Farage as leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party in December, has made taking Labour seats in the north and midlands a top priority, and has pledged to make UKIP the “party of working class racists who agree with my secret plan to privatise the NHS”.

The academic turned politician also told Newscrasher: “If Labour’s Andy Burnham wins the Manchester mayoral election and steps down as an MP triggering a by-election, I would run there too.”

“Doing so would give an additional opportunity for the public to reject the my hateful politics and those of my sinister, quasi-fascist party.”

A spokesperson for the Stoke Central Constituency Labour Party said: “We welcome Paul Nuttall to stand against our candidate here in Stoke. Having a racist twat like Mr. Nuttall hanging around would only serve to make our candidate look even better.”

UK News

Destroying economy definitely worth it to fix imaginary problems, says Theresa May

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Destroying the British economy with a hard Brexit will definitely be worthwhile, because it will allow imaginary problems such as immigration and human rights to be fixed, Theresa May has decided.

Ahead of her next big speech about Brexit, which is expected to send the Pound to new lows against the Euro and Dollar, the Prime Minister has hinted about how she plans to win over critics of Brexit: “Leaving the EU will almost certainly wreck the economy for the little people, many of whom will lose their jobs, their access to free healthcare, and their benefits.”

“But it will definitely be worth it, because it will allow us to fix a number of imaginary problems that the right wing media have convinced people are real, such as immigration or human rights.”

“But the good news doesn’t end there. The single binary question posed in the referendum provides no guidance about what kind of Brexit we should go for, which means I’m absolutely free to do whatever the hell I want to the country, because I’m in charge now and the will of the people is squarely behind me.”

“To those who would oppose my tyrannical rule, I say this:”

“On the 23rd of June the patriotic British people voted for me to seize power and immediately start to ruin the lives of the poor, the sick, and foreigners.”

“The vote was a unanimous landslide, as long as we do not count the 48 per cent of voters who are technically not real people because they treacherously voted to remain.”

“Despite all the evil shit I have in store for them, the people love me. I like to think of myself as ‘The People’s Fuhrer’.”

UK News

Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

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Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”

UK News

Jeremy Hunt blasts Labour for weaponising his deliberate mismanagement of NHS

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Jeremy Hunt has blasted Labour for attempting to weaponise what he has called his “deliberate mismanagement” of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

Speaking to reporters, the Heath Secretary said: “On June 23rd last year Britain held a legally binding referendum on the European Union and whether to immediately defund and privatise the NHS. The people have spoken unanimously, and the will of the people is now settled for all time.”

“As Health Minister, it has fallen to me to carry out the will of the people by deliberately mismanaging the NHS, to set the stage for introduction of patient fees and the eventual privatisation of the profitable bits.”

“As a true hero of the Great British Reich I have spend recent months battling for Britain against antisemitic trotskyist doctors who are trying to overthrow the government, and also against marauding patients who earn less than £200,000 a year and do not have private health insurance.”

“A hero like me will definitely vanquish these foes, but in the meantime I call on Labour to stop weaponising my blatant mismanagement of the NHS, and to join me in my war on the socialised universal healthcare that is ruining this once great nation.”

Several Blairite Labour MPs have jumped to the defence of the embattled Health secretary, with one unnamed source telling Newscrasher: “The NHS crisis represents an excellent opportunity for Corbyn to strike at the government and improve the popularity of our party, and that is why we’d like to help the Tories to change the subject as quickly as possible.”

“The fact that several of us also have a vested interest in private healthcare companies has nothing to do with our stance, of course.”

UK News

Gas chambers in hospitals would make NHS fairer and more efficient, suggests Iain Duncan Smith

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The construction of gas chambers in hospitals would make the National Health Service fairer and more efficient, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC’s pro-government presenter Andrew Marr, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “The so-called humanitarian crisis facing the NHS is definitely not a result of deliberate funding cuts that Jeremy Hunt has imposed.”

“According to my own personal research, the NHS crisis is in fact due to a worrying lack of social justice and efficiency in our hospitals.”

“And that is why I have asked Jeremy Hunt to consider introducing ATOS gas chambers into hospitals, to streamline the manslaughter of the poor and vulnerable.”

“I have also asked him to consider bringing in staff from G4S to act as hospital porters of death, who would be tasked with finding and incinerating patients who had missed a Job Centre appointment due to having been in hospital.”

“As always, the strongest safeguards will be put in place. Only after a subjective tick-box test that ignores medical evidence would a patient be wheeled into one of the hospital’s newly installed ATOS Social Justice Ovens.”

“The emergency measures that I am proposing could save the NHS and would allow Britain to accelerate the patriotic social justice revolution that I initiated during my tenure at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

To which Andrew Marr replied: “I do not have any difficult questions for you, nor will I give our viewers any hint about the sinister motives behind the policies of you and many other Tory politicians.”

“I am sure our glorious Fuhrer Mrs May, whom I adore profoundly, will seriously consider your groundbreaking proposal to establish a fairer and more efficient NHS fit for 21st century Britain, or 1930s Germany.”

“My knighthood’s in the post, right?”