Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Anger as Brexit bet winnings are completely wiped out by plunging Pound

Leave a comment

By John M.

The dramatic plunge in the Pound after June’s Brexit vote has now resulted in an aggregate loss for those who bet on the UK to leave the European Union.

Despite predicting the Leave campaign’s ultimate victory (unlike the Brexit architects themselves), those who cashed in on the unlikely eventuality have seen the real value of their money depreciate such that they have less Pound in their pocket today than before the vote.

Visibly struck by the news, one resident of Taunton interviewed live on BBC News at 6: “Like many brexiters I marched gleefully to the bookmakers on June 24 to collect my winnings, but I now feel short-changed after the Remain voters unpatriotically talked down the Pound. The betting slip’s going to be worth more than the cash by winter.”

“My money might be worthless. But it’s British worthless money.”

He then reverted back to UKIP factory settings: “This is the Great British pound and we have taken back control. Taken back control. Taken back control…”

Elsewhere, in Downing Street, Theresa May has been advised by economists to physically seal her lips shut for the coming days after advisors remarked that the pound has been suffering crushing blows each time she opens her mouth.

Her own comments on the crisis were accordingly indecipherable: “Mhf, mhffmhf. Mhff.”

UK News

A fascist wants to jail ‘Remoaners’ and Theresa May hasn’t condemned it

Leave a comment

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The British Prime Minister Theresa May has failed to condemn a petition to amend the Treason Felony Act to jail those who support the European Union.

The petition was created by Conservative councillor Christian Holliday from Burpham in Guildford, who is horrified that the majority of people where he lives don’t share his own political views.

Mr Holliday said: “As a right wing extremist, for years I have fought to leave the European Union. At last, thanks to the work of several high profile liars such as Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, our side tricked the public and won the referendum on the 23rd of June this year.”

“Now that we have won the war, we must get to work on the mopping-up operation to cleanse the country of the pro-EU thought-criminals.”

“Unfortunately, even right here in Guildford 44,155 voted remain and 34,458 voted leave. This is completely unacceptable and needs to be dealt with by the government before I lose my seat. I therefore call on the government to change the law using the Royal prerogative and jail the majority of my friends and neighbours immediately.”

Despite being absolutely mental, Holliday’s call has not been explicitly condemned by Theresa May.

The Prime Minister told Newscrasher: “On the 23rd of June the people of Britain voted to leave the European Union, and that means there is a mandate for jailing those who disagree with the policies of elected Conservatives who hate Europe and foreigners. The people of Britain have decisively voted to jail these rebels immediately.”

“The security services are already snooping on all the electronic communications of the British public, so it should be a relatively simple job to draw up a list of all the subversives who continue to voice support for EU membership on social media.”

“Our new Night and Fog law will be proposed in the next Queen’s speech and will target those who support the European Union, their accomplices, or anyone endangering British migration security.”

Her Britannic Excellency the Dictator continued: “An effective and lasting deterrent can only be achieved by the death penalty or by taking measures which will leave the family and the population uncertain to the fate of the offender.”

“Fortunately, due to my foresight during my time as Britain’s most illustrious Home Secretary, the UK now has some of the world’s toughest anti-terrorism legislation, which will allow for Kafkaesque secret trials in which the accused is kept completely in the dark, both figuratively and literally.”

The petition has been warmly welcomed by uneducated UKIP supporters like Chris Bumfield: “We voted, they lost. They should suck it up and stop moaning, and if people don’t like it they should be jailed for life with no chance of parole. That’s democracy!”

Note: This story is satirical, but not entirely fictional.

UK News

Government introduces billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’

1 Comment

The Conservative government has introduced billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’, it has been announced.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “In difficult times such as this it is crucial that order and social cohesion are maintained, and this is why we are trying to silence people who don’t want the UK to leave the EU.”

“Patriotic Leave voters are sick and tired of all the treasonous fact-mongering coming from Remain voters, many of whom are saying that Brexiters are utter twats for crashing the economy, or that they knew Brexit would be shit.”

The professional liar continued: “Our plan is to roll out two thousand billboard vans with the message: If you are a traitorous Remain voter, SHUT UP. Stop your reasoned arguments and highbrow fact mongering. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in jail.”

“The vans will also be fitted with a PA system that plays a high pitched tone that induces nausea in those under the age of 40, to ensure the young are made to suffer unnecessarily according to the wishes of Theresa May.”

UK News

Why I bully left wing and pro-EU panelists on Question Time, by David Dumbleby

1 Comment

By the BBC’s David Dumbleby

Over the past few months, there have been numerous complaints about the very clear right-wing, pro-Brexit bias that I inject into the BBC’s flagship political debate programme Question Time. It is now time for me to answer my anti-Britain accusers who are antisemitic Trotskyites and who are treasonously trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.

People have asked me why our studio audience always seems to be packed full of right wingers and Brexit supporters. The answer lies in the fact that the BBC is obliged to ensure a balance between the different parties and views that prevail in the country. The government are widely hated by the public and are deliberately crashing the economy for their own personal advancement, and the BBC has a legal duty to strongly over-emphasize the other side of the debate by inviting hard right or bigoted panelists, and by inviting UKIP and EDL supporters to join the audience.

In addition, I am careful to allow right wingers and bigots to speak uninterrupted, while always interrupting and bullying left winger and those who are interested in improving the lives of ordinary people.

Although Question Time is currently highly biased, over time this bias will be transmitted to the general population and become ‘normal’, so that eventually most of the public will be far-right, neo-liberal fanatics who hate the very idea of the welfare state and socialised healthcare almost as much as they hate foreigners and the poor.

My hope is that in the long term, the ordinary people never actually wake up to the fact that the rich ruling elite are responsible for their fall in living standards, instead of the foreigners and people on benefits that the right currently tell them to blame.

But the challenge for the coming decades of rule by our glorious dictator Theresa May will be to find new scapegoats to wrongly blame once the foreigners have all been deported, and once the poor and sick are all dead.

UK News

Hubble discovery paves way for post-Brexit intergalactic free trade, says Liam Fox

Leave a comment

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Liam Fox has welcomed the recent discovery by the Hubble Space Telescope of at least 2 trillion galaxies in the Universe, ten times as many as were previously thought to exist.

“It boggles the mind that over 90 percent of the galaxies in the universe have yet to be studied. Who knows what interesting properties we will find when we discover these galaxies with future generations of telescopes?” said Christoper Conselice from the University of Nottingham.

Disgraced former minister of defence Liam Fox hailed the breakthrough as a boon for hard Brexit: “This will hopefully show the doubters to Brexit that there isn’t just a whole world out there but a whole universe, so Britain doesn’t actually need the EU.”

“I predict that by next March we will have contacted at least 90 percent of the governments of all the planets in all the galaxies in the Universe, and will have negotiated an intergalactic free trade area spanning many cubic Gigaparsecs in size.”

“Of course, if the European Union wants to join it’ll have to pay us or face our massive space wonder weapons, which of course we have kept secret up until now. It’s all very exciting.”

Mr. Fox, who is known to be a complete twat, also praised the massive contribution that British science has made to discovering the Universe. “Once again this shows us to be better than everyone else, and now we get to name everything that’s out there in space. Because of this, the government will be introducing the Universe Named After Margaret Thatcher Bill in the next Queen’s speech. I can’t wait to stargaze at the constellation Murdoch.”

UK News

Building a massive ship will definitely solve all our Brexit problems, a tw*t has suggested

Leave a comment

Building a big ship for the Queen will definitely solve the large number of massive problems facing Brexit Britain, a twat has announced.

Government twat Boris Johnson said: “The British economy is in the shit due to circumstances that are totally unrelated to Britain’s historic vote to leave the EU, and the best way to solve all the problems in Brexit Britain is to build a humongous ship for the Queen.”

“The new Royal Yacht will sail from country to country carrying officials who will beg foreign governments to do trade deals with the UK on terms that are extremely generous to us.”

“Although basically all our neighbours and trading partners have told us to just f*** off until we’re properly out of the EU, we think having a big and expensive ship will definitely make them change their mind.”

The Foreign Secretary added: “I won’t be a gunboat or anything too spiffing, but we still hope the presence of a large ship will persuade Johnny Foreigner to be kind to us and give us loads of free money and stuff, despite the British government and half the voters having basically declared war on all foreign people everywhere.”

 

UK News

Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, claims Liam Fox

1 Comment

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Rising food bills will be good for Britain’s health, government minister Liam Fox has claimed.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, the Secretary of State for International Trade said: “The government welcomes warnings by the CBI that food bills will rise.”

“Britons are fat and lazy, so an increase in the cost of food should result in significant weight loss as people who don’t vote Conservative are forced to tighten their belt, literally, we hope. Britain will then be merely lazy”

“Regrettably, food bank use and starvation will dramatically rise, and some vulnerable people may end up dead as a result.”

“But every cloud has a silver lining. Finally we will be able to point to a tangible benefit of leaving the European Union.”

UK News

British government welcomes pound falling to record low

1 Comment

By Dorothy Hotdog

The British Pound has fallen to a historic low against the basket of major currencies which it is rated against.

Although many would consider a currency crisis to be something bad, Conservative minister Mark Ganier has welcomed the fall in the Pound: “Clearly it’s [the falling pound] to do with the [Brexit] vote, but actually it’s not an unwelcome reaction. Sterling is probably about where it should be. We’ve turned the economy to complete shit, even if voters don’t feel it yet, and this is just reflected in the financial markets.”

“We’re just going through a relatively short period of volatility, and when other countries realise how attractive the UK will be with racist employment laws, shrinking GDP, de-industrialisation, high inflation, a massive trade deficit, and general xenophobia I am confident the pound will rise again.”

“Finally, let me reassure British voters that this doesn’t mean, of course, that the Pound here in Britain, in your pocket, purse or begging bowl has been devalued. And for those of you looking at retiring abroad, it still goes a long way in South Sudan.“

UK News

I’ve had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to Brexit, says Theresa May

1 Comment

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The Prime Minister has had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to the Brexit cause, the government has announced.

A spokesperson for dictator Theresa May said: “After seeing Syrian city of Aleppo being reduced to rubble by a series of abysmally bad decisions by the Syrian government, with the help of foreign powers and terrorist militias, she is now convinced that we should try something similar here in the United Kingdom. She calls it her Aleppan conversion to Brexit.”

“It’s like a Damascene conversion, only way more destructive.”

It is understood that although Mrs. May had initially been disinterested in leaving the EU, she soon recognised the possibilities Brexit presents for her to turn the UK into a dictatorship of the right, and to inducing mass unemployment and poverty.

Speaking to Sky News, May said: “Only from ruins can we build a new Jerusalem of smoggy factories, workshops, and child poverty.”

“And finally win our independence from the evil thrall of the Europeans who have dominated our country and ruled it as a colony for the past 42 years.”

UK News

We have a duty to report Conservative lies as facts, says BBC

8 Comments

The BBC has a legal and moral duty to report Conservative lies and misinformation as facts, it has been announced.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As an integral part of the state propaganda network, the BBC has a legal and moral obligation to give undue prominence to claims made by the Conservative government, and to present their lies and misinformation uncritically and without scrutiny.”

“At the same time, we absolutely have to lead the media crack down on Labour, who are antisemitic and are trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.”

The former Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “If Jeremy Corbyn’s red menace succeeds in thwarting the heroic austerity and NHS privatisation programmes of the most popular government in the history of Britain, then the nation truly will be in the shit, because it could lead to a slight decrease in the bank balance of some of the richest people in Britain and that would be unjust.”