Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Man holding a banana thinks he looks prime ministerial

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

A man holding a banana believes he looks prime ministerial, it has emerged. Former Foreign Secretary David Miliband, who decided to move to the USA and get rich working for a charity after his failed bid for the Labour leadership, said: “Even though I have no policies, no ideals, and no integrity, I think I could be prime minister.”

“I’m not my brother, and that’s why I can win”, the banana-wielding former politician added.

“I sulkily quit UK politics because I failed to get elected as leader of the Labour Party, a position that was mine by rights. I just do not understand why the party rejected me for Ed, who had actual ideas and shit.”

“My qualities are limitless, such as being tainted by the Blair years and the Iraq war, my implication in the ‘extraordinary rendition’ scandal, and my cynical briefing against my own brother when he proved more popular and became party leader.”

“What’s more, as a true Blairite I have no ideals except obtaining power and getting rich, and I have no ideas about how to address any of the major issues facing the British people. Issues like grinding poverty, the destruction of the NHS, or homelessness, none of which I give a shit about.”

“With the unfortunate death of Jo Cox, I thought I could easily get myself parachuted into her parliamentary seat, from where I would be able to launch a new coup against the wing of the party that wants to make people’s lives better, but once again I was cruelly denied my birthright of becoming leader and prime minister.”

“The people of Batley were betrayed when I was stopped from honouring the memory of Jo Cox by furthering my own personal ambition to get into power and to get as rich as Tony Blair.”

UK News

Undercover reporters discover chilling evidence of democracy in the Labour Party

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Undercover reporters have found chilling evidence for democracy in the Labour Party, it has emerged.

After infiltrating public meetings between members of the Labour Party, the journalists made the shocking discovery that some people are interested in replacing politicians with new ones who will actually work in the interests of the people.

The explosive revelations of democracy in the Labour Party were broadcast by Channel 4’s Dispatches on Monday 19 September.

One of the journalists involved told Newscrasher: “A close ally of war criminal Tony Blair tasked us to do a hatchet job on the Momentum organisation, to try to damage Jeremy Corbyn and influence the leadership election”.

“He hit the roof when we told him we didn’t find anything untoward, so we just used strange camera angles and weird music to give the impression that something sinister was going down in those meetings”.

“We also found evidence for a Trotskyite creche, which is basically just an ordinary creche”.

Labour MP for Exeter Ben Bradshaw commented: “I fully oppose moves to deselect sitting MPs like me who are blatantly not working for the interests of the people who elected them, especially the undeserving poor who we now know created the recent global economic collapse.”

“Once elected, being a member of Parliament should be a job for life, even if they sell out their constituents like I have”.

UK News

I wanted to challenge Corbyn but feared looking an arsehole, says Owen Smith

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I wanted to launch a leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn but was afraid of looking like an arsehole, Owen Smith has announced.

The Labour MP for Pontypridd said: “Ever since I pulled the girl who became my wife, and without the use of Viagra I must add, I have coveted the leadership of the Labour Party. However, fear of looking like an arsehole kept me from making a challenge myself.”

“But thanks to Angela’s heroic and well timed leadership challenge in an empty room, I was able to run for the leadership without looking like a complete bastard of a backstabber.”

“Even though my allies on the Labour NEC are busy purging likely Corbyn voters for various spurious thought-crimes, it is possible that I still might not win.”

“Therefore, I echo Tom Watson’s call for the leadership vote to be considered advisory only, which would then allow Iain McNicol to take the final, legally binding decision.”

“I also fully agree with Tom’s visionary proposal to give each and every Blairite MP one hundred thousand votes each, as a counterbalance against the large number of left wing voters whose lives have been ruined by successive Tory and right wing Labour governments.”

“We really must prevent lifelong Labour members, some of whom have been in the party or voting labour for several decades, from seizing power away from right wing entryists like Tom Watson, Angela Eagle or me.”

UK News

Backstabbing careerists like Ben Bradshaw are the good guys, says Luke Akehurst

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Backstabbing careerists who have been sabotaging Jeremy Corbyn from day one of his leadership are in fact the good guys, Luke Akehurst has claimed.

The former Labour NEC member said: “It is wrong to say that left wing humanists within the Labour Party are the good guys in the battle we on the right have forced them into.”

“I have secret evidence that they are evil satanic monsters, and that Blairite careerists like Ben Bradshaw are in fact the good guys here.”

“And that is why my Twitter feed is almost entirely devoted to abusing Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters, with precious little mention of the Conservative Government’s cruel policies, many of which I broadly agree with.”

“It is essential that the voting public are forced to choose between two right wing Thatcherite parties, and for this reason Labour absolutely must remain on the right at all costs.”

The Labour MP for Exeter, Ben Bradshaw, said: “I am honoured that a right winger like Mr Akehurst would hold me up as an example of an uncaring careerist who pretends to have Labour values to get elected, but who actually works against the interests of the poor and vulnerable.”

UK News

David Davis announces creation of Ministry of Silly Talks

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.

The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.

Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.

On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”

Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”

“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”

UK News

Brexiteers demand invention of virtual reality headset which superimposes white people over foreigners

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By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

Government ministers have demanded the immediate invention of virtual reality headsets that can superimpose a realistic graphical representation of a white British person on top of any black, asian or foreign person they may meet in the street, it has emerged.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June the people clearly voted for Britain to go back to its racist past and kick out all foreigners and non-whites.”

“However, leaving the EU is going to take several years and the economy is going to be in the toilet for several decades or more as a result. But many Brexiters cannot wait that long due to being in their 60s or 70s.”

“Therefore, a radical solution is urgently needed, and the invention of a virtual reality headset will allow Leave voters to live in the surreal fantasy dream-world that they voted for.”

“In the coming days the government will put out to tender a contract to develop and manufacture a Brexit VR device which has advanced technological capabilities, such as flagging and masking the negative impact of Brexit on daily life, or replacing non-white or foreign people with high definition texture maps depicting British people of good Aryan stock.”

The professional liar added: “But most importantly, the on-board software will also auto-correct the shape of evil EU bananas, add raw sewage to British beaches, and place a Judeo-Christian style halo above the head of national saviour Sir Nigel Farage OBE.”

UK News

New Star Wars villain to be based on the political career of Iain Duncan Smith

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The next installment of the Star Wars saga will include a villain based on British Politician Iain Duncan Smith, director of Episode VIII Rian Johnson has revealed.

Speaking to fans at an event in Florida, Johnson explained how he plans to continue in the footsteps of George Lucas by using real life as the inspiration for Star Wars characters and events.

He said: “Iain Duncan Sith is to be one of the most evil and sinister characters in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to the extraordinary CGI made possible by Industrial Light and Magic, Iain Duncan Sith will be composed entirely of semi-sentient faecal slime, the pungent smell of which be available in selected 4D cinemas across Europe and North America in December 2017.”

“Duncan Sith’s career in the Galactic Senate is built on making the poor poorer, pushing children into poverty, and starving the ill and disabled, all while claiming to be able to live on 53 Galactic Credits a week.”

Johnson added: “The turning point in the story arc of this movie is when Duncan Sith forces several million unemployed beings into unpaid labour as part of his Workfare programme, building a giant space-station capable of destroying an entire planet. When left wingers from the Jedi Council confront him about the harmful impact and injustice of his policies, Duncan Sith becomes violent and is fatally wounded in the ensuring light sabre battle.”

A talking Iain Duncan Sith toy is now available in shops, for a RRP of £19.99.  When punched in the balls the toy will play one of several lines from the film, including “I don’t care who’s died”, “I am proud of my record”, and “work sets you free.”

UK News

Privatise food banks says Iain Duncan Smith

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Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has provoked renewed outrage with a new proposal to privatise food banks. Private companies would be allowed to operate food banks for profit, conditional on the implementation of a strict regime of sanctions to be decided by DWP officials.

Food banks are not for profit organisations which provide food to those who are unable to buy sufficient food to avoid hunger or malnutrition — problems which are often the direct result of benefit cuts or sanctions.

G4S, expected to be among those preparing a bid to run food banks across the country, caused a furor last month when they published a report proposing that food bank users should be electronically tagged and should be made clearly identifiable by wearing a special badge.

A spokesperson for the DWP said: “Iain Duncan Smith is leading a revolution against welfare, and it’s essential that nothing stands in the way of the DWP’s plan to starve the sick, disabled and unemployed into a zero-hours contract at Poundland.”