Backstabbing careerists who have been sabotaging Jeremy Corbyn from day one of his leadership are in fact the good guys, Luke Akehurst has claimed.
The former Labour NEC member said: “It is wrong to say that left wing humanists within the Labour Party are the good guys in the battle we on the right have forced them into.”
“I have secret evidence that they are evil satanic monsters, and that Blairite careerists like Ben Bradshaw are in fact the good guys here.”
“And that is why my Twitter feed is almost entirely devoted to abusing Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters, with precious little mention of the Conservative Government’s cruel policies, many of which I broadly agree with.”
“It is essential that the voting public are forced to choose between two right wing Thatcherite parties, and for this reason Labour absolutely must remain on the right at all costs.”
The Labour MP for Exeter, Ben Bradshaw, said: “I am honoured that a right winger like Mr Akehurst would hold me up as an example of an uncaring careerist who pretends to have Labour values to get elected, but who actually works against the interests of the poor and vulnerable.”
By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.
The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.
Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.
On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”
Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”
“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith
Government ministers have demanded the immediate invention of virtual reality headsets that can superimpose a realistic graphical representation of a white British person on top of any black, asian or foreign person they may meet in the street, it has emerged.
Brexit minister David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June the people clearly voted for Britain to go back to its racist past and kick out all foreigners and non-whites.”
“However, leaving the EU is going to take several years and the economy is going to be in the toilet for several decades or more as a result. But many Brexiters cannot wait that long due to being in their 60s or 70s.”
“Therefore, a radical solution is urgently needed, and the invention of a virtual reality headset will allow Leave voters to live in the surreal fantasy dream-world that they voted for.”
“In the coming days the government will put out to tender a contract to develop and manufacture a Brexit VR device which has advanced technological capabilities, such as flagging and masking the negative impact of Brexit on daily life, or replacing non-white or foreign people with high definition texture maps depicting British people of good Aryan stock.”
The professional liar added: “But most importantly, the on-board software will also auto-correct the shape of evil EU bananas, add raw sewage to British beaches, and place a Judeo-Christian style halo above the head of national saviour Sir Nigel Farage OBE.”
The next installment of the Star Wars saga will include a villain based on British Politician Iain Duncan Smith, director of Episode VIII Rian Johnson has revealed.
Speaking to fans at an event in Florida, Johnson explained how he plans to continue in the footsteps of George Lucas by using real life as the inspiration for Star Wars characters and events.
He said: “Iain Duncan Sith is to be one of the most evil and sinister characters in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to the extraordinary CGI made possible by Industrial Light and Magic, Iain Duncan Sith will be composed entirely of semi-sentient faecal slime, the pungent smell of which be available in selected 4D cinemas across Europe and North America in December 2017.”
“Duncan Sith’s career in the Galactic Senate is built on making the poor poorer, pushing children into poverty, and starving the ill and disabled, all while claiming to be able to live on 53 Galactic Credits a week.”
Johnson added: “The turning point in the story arc of this movie is when Duncan Sith forces several million unemployed beings into unpaid labour as part of his Workfare programme, building a giant space-station capable of destroying an entire planet. When left wingers from the Jedi Council confront him about the harmful impact and injustice of his policies, Duncan Sith becomes violent and is fatally wounded in the ensuring light sabre battle.”
A talking Iain Duncan Sith toy is now available in shops, for a RRP of £19.99. When punched in the balls the toy will play one of several lines from the film, including “I don’t care who’s died”, “I am proud of my record”, and “work sets you free.”
Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has provoked renewed outrage with a new proposal to privatise food banks. Private companies would be allowed to operate food banks for profit, conditional on the implementation of a strict regime of sanctions to be decided by DWP officials.
Food banks are not for profit organisations which provide food to those who are unable to buy sufficient food to avoid hunger or malnutrition — problems which are often the direct result of benefit cuts or sanctions.
G4S, expected to be among those preparing a bid to run food banks across the country, caused a furor last month when they published a report proposing that food bank users should be electronically tagged and should be made clearly identifiable by wearing a special badge.
A spokesperson for the DWP said: “Iain Duncan Smith is leading a revolution against welfare, and it’s essential that nothing stands in the way of the DWP’s plan to starve the sick, disabled and unemployed into a zero-hours contract at Poundland.”