Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Invisible magic door would solve Northern Ireland border issue, says David Davis

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An invisible magic door would solve the Northern Ireland border issue, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Writing in the Sun, David Davis said: “Northern Ireland could be in and out of the EU at the same time, but if that idea is rejected by the EU then I propose we invent an invisible magic door to solve the Irish border problem.”

“In recent years Britain has become a world leader in magical thinking, and we could bring in the best minds to work out the exact details of how our invisible magical door would work.”

“The door would be large enough to allow articulated lorries to pass through, automatically scanning their freight load and applying import duties, but obviously would prevent immigrants and criminals from entering,”

Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly asked whether the magic door could have an iron sign above it showing the words “work sets you free”, and for the road leading through the buffer zone to be lined with crucified benefit claimants.

The former Minister For Manslaughter said: “This initiative represents an excellent opportunity to hound the poor and vulnerable, in a way that will appeal to sick right wingers who vote Conservative.”

UK News

John Bercow under fire for calling stupid woman “a stupid woman”

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John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.

Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.

Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”

“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”

“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

 

UK News

Vote for our lies again, Tories plead

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The public should vote for our lies again, the Conservatives have announced.

As the public heads to the polls, the Prime Minister made a last-minute attempt to swing the vote back to the Conservatives: “We have nothing to offer except lies, racism and the annihilation of the NHS. Please vote for us today and give us another opportunity renege on all our promises.”

“The patriotic will of the people was made clear in the EU referendum and in the most recent general election, and I call on the voting public to now vote accordingly. This means voting for the a Conservative Party that has been infiltrated and shifted to the far-right by UKIP.”

“Because the people love me, I predict we will win all wards with at least 100 per cent of the popular vote. In the event that Labour do well, my allies in the media and the PLP stand ready to say that any result for Labour, however good, is a disaster and a sign that Jeremy Corbyn should resign, or at least stop holding me to account.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is mounting evidence that voters intend to punish Labour for unpatriotically holding the government to account, when the party should instead have been praising Theresa May’s brave decision to attend PMQs in the nude, to show she has nothing to hide over the Windrush scandal.”

“I will be on television later tonight to help the Government save face in the wake of big losses in today’s local elections.”

UK News

We’re sorry we got caught, says government that knowingly imprisoned and deported British citizens

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The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.

A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”

“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”

“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”

UK News

Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, say Blairites

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Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.

Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”

“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”

“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”

“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”

UK News

Only WE are allowed to kill people on British streets, Tories tell Russia

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Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.

Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”

“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”

Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.

“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”

USA News

US lifts anthrax ban because it’s not anthrax that kills, it’s the person mailing it who does

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The United States Congress has voted to lift the ban on possession of anthrax, which is also known as the bacterium Bacillus Anthracis, it has been confirmed today.

Speaking on Fox News, House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Anthrax doesn’t kill, the person who mails it does. And that is why we have voted to lift the unconstitutional ban on Anthrax, safeguarding American liberty so that ordinary citizens can once again take their own decisions about how they choose to defend their homes and schools using this deadly bacterium.”

“By arming every citizen with anthrax, including teachers and homeless war veterans, communities all across America will become so much safer, because all future anthrax attacks will be prevented by the presence of a good guy with anthrax.”

“The large donations many congressmen have recieved from the National Anthrax Association have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, just like donations from the NRA have nothing to do with our lack of interest in enacting any kind of gun control.”

President Trump openly supported the lifting of the ban, publishing a tweet in support of the move: “Nothing is more American than being able to choose how to end another person’s life using a deadly weapon or bacterium.”

UK News

Senior Tories pledge to lead first wave of British troops in new Russia war

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Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.

Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”

“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”

“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”

“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”

“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”

“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”

A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not  understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”

UK News

Corbyn image wasn’t photoshopped, it was done in MS Paint, claims BBC

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Faked imagery of Jeremy Corbyn was done in MS Paint and not Photoshop, the BBC has claimed.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has a moral and legal obligation to hold the opposition to account, and to defend the elected patriotic government from left-wing attempts to seize power via the ballot box.”

“We have been accused of using Photoshop to create a fake image of Jeremy Corbyn wearing a Bolshevic hat in front of the Kremlin, to create a visual lie suggesting that he is a traitor and a Russian stooge.”

“However, the accusation against us is completely untrue. In actual fact, we used MS Paint to make the fake image, not Photoshop as a number of anti-British traitors have suggested.”

Kuenssberg added: “Because the accusation of photoshopping is untrue, Jeremy Corbyn should now immediately resign and let the Blairites take Labour back to the good old days of waving through Tory austerity.”

“Even if we had used Photoshop instead of MS Paint, Jeremy Corbyn should still have to resign because of his dangerous humanist ideals, such as making the super rich pay tax and making sure the little people get decent healthcare and public services.”

UK News

War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, says Theresa May

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War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”

“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”

“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”

“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”

Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.

A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.

One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”

“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”