Tag Archives: theresa may

Basin haircut makes me look like a Crusader knight, boasts Theresa May

The Prime Minister believes her basin haircut makes her look like a Crusader knight, it has been revealed.

An anonymous source with close links to the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is very keen to show off her Christianity and dispel the myth that her policies of starving the poor and hounding the disabled are not compatible with the Christian faith.”

“After looking at a number of possible options, it was decided that a basin haircut would make her look a bit like a Crusader knight, providing just the right look as she strives to carry out the austere will of Christ.”

“We worked closely with a top hair stylist to ensure the PM didn’t end up looking like a massive bellend. A recent poll shows most people think she doesn’t.”

However, a recent poll for Newscrasher found that more than half of respondents believe Theresa May is in fact a massive bellend.

Further elaborating on Mrs May’s hairstyle makeover, the anonymous source added: “Labour voters might not like it, but the fact that the Crusaders went on a murderous rampage in the Middle East, slaughtering everyone in their path, is expected to play well with the prejudiced and callous Tory and Ukip voters to whom she wishes to pander.”

“The PM particularly wants to show she is a strong, fighting woman who is battling for Britain against saboteurs and the treacherous European Union who are trying to defy her iron will.”

“The Eurocrats appeared to be visibly shaken with fear during her most recent meeting in Brussels. However, some unpatriotic commentators from the fake news have suggested that they may instead have been shaking with side-splitting laughter at her ineptitude.”

“In recent months our team has come under sustained attack from problematic thugs on social media, who have pointed out that if the Prime Minister was a genuine Christian, she would not plunge children into poverty or sentence the most vulnerable members of society to death.”

“We believe the Momentum terrorist group are behind this campaign of bullying, and we call on Jeremy Corbyn to immediately shut down the group, so the Prime Minister can get on with ruining ordinary people’s lives with the impunity she desires.”


I have no shame and will NEVER resign, says Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.

The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”

“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”

“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”

“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”

“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”

“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”


Theresa May vows to make Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone not rich

Theresa May will address inequality by making Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone who is not rich, it has been reported.

Speaking during an intimate interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Prime Minister said: “I now acknowledge that inequality is a growing problem for my government, because despite our weak claims to the contrary, rising inequality is hard proof that we are governing for the few, not the many.”

“And that is why I intend to make this country a hostile environment for anyone who is not rich. We will end inequality once and for all, simply by getting rid of the poor.”

“By crashing the economy, as we Tories so often do, we will induce millions of young or less well off people to emigrate to other countries, preferably to majority white commonwealth countries rather than European ones, leaving behind high net worth individuals and baby-boomers who usually vote Conservative.”

“Any low net worth Britons who refuse to emigrate will be dealt with according to Iain Duncan Smith’s blueprint for hounding the vulnerable to an early grave. If bullying and starvation doesn’t get them, then our merciless cuts to the NHS surely will.”

Idiot Tory voter Chris Bumfield told Newscrasher: “I know nothing about economics, but the false analogies peddled by the Conservatives about household budgets and living within our means have convinced me that my children’s lives should be utterly ruined by needless austerity and cuts, because of a global recession that Labour are said to have caused.”


Cold and heartless leadership needed in wake of Grenfell, says Theresa May

The country needs cold and heartless leadership in the wake of the Grenfell disaster, the Prime Minister has reiterated.

Asked whether she has a conscience, the Prime Minister moved her head robotically and said: “Well, what we need now is cold and heartless leadership to get us through this really bad tragedy that was nothing to do with Tory policies, and as the most heartless person in the country I believe I am the best person to lead Britain going forward into the Grenfell cover up.”

“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the emergency services for selflessly accepting the low pay and needless funding cuts that my party has imposed since 2010.”

“But most importantly, I thank the police for withholding the true death toll of this unpleasant episode which happened to some insignificant people who probably wouldn’t vote Conservative anyway.”

“With any luck, the public won’t be paying attention when we reveal that hundreds of people actually perished in the fire, instead of the tens of people that the media and police are helpfully talking about at the moment.”


I am DETERMINED to drive the country OFF A CLIFF, says Theresa May

Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”

“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”

“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”

“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”


Democracy canceled from 2018 onward because Theresa May might lose

Democracy is to be canceled from 2018 onward because there is a good chance the Conservatives will lose, it has been announced.

Surrounded by police officers in riot gear to keep the proles at arms length, the Prime Minister said: “Democracy is merely Parliamentary convention, and as Prime Minister I am under no legal obligation to continue with the archaic formalities of the UK’s inefficient parliamentary system.”

“The people have made it very clear, not only in the Brexit referendum but also in the last two general elections, that they do not wish to see the continuation of parliamentary democracy in Britain. The will of the people must be respected above all else, irrespective of what the enemies of the people may say.”

“Also, if MPs or the people are allowed to vote again, I will probably lose.”

“According to the clear wishes of the people as expressed during the country’s last ever election, Parliament will remain dissolved and I will rule Britain with my strong and stable cabinet of millionaires. Never has a cabinet been assembled with such hatred for the poor and vulnerable.”

“Some of my opponents claim I am conducting a coup by salami slicing our democracy, but I can assure you there is already a strong historical precedent for what I am doing.”

“The Long Parliament of 1640 to 1660 sat for twenty years without a single King’s speech, and I see no legal reason why I cannot do the same now, just without any of the opposition parties.”


Theresa May announces September general election to secure larger majority ahead of Brexit negotiations

Another general election is to be held on 8 September so that Theresa May can secure a larger majority, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists, Mrs May said: “This general election has been a great success for the Conservatives and for me personally, but I still do not have a proper majority.”

“I demand that voters give me the majority I need to go into the Brexit negotiations and secure the wrong deal for Britain.”

“Therefore, the people will be asked to vote again on September the 8th and I hope that this time, voters will do their patriotic duty and return an all Conservative House of Commons.”

“That way, there will be no scrutiny of my policy decisions and I will be able to rule Britain as a dictator.”

“And in case some voters insist on defying my will by voting for one of the anti-British parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, I have a war chest full of donations from millionaires to pay for shit loads of fake news and misleading adverts on Facebook.”


Theresa May claims election victory with over 110 per cent of the vote

Theresa May has scored a ‘titanic’ victory in the 2017 generation election with over 110 per cent of the vote, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said:”With my party securing an unprecedented 110 per cent of the national vote, the people have given me a clear mandate to rule the United Kingdom, in perpetuity.”

“There were times in this general election campaign when I feared that Labour might actually beat us with their credible and socially just policies. But in the end our tried and tested combination of smears, fake news, and targeted Facebook adverts won the day.”

“This is a victory of titanic proportions, but without the iceberg and all the chaos and death.”

“Okay, perhaps there will be just a few hundred thousand deaths going forward, but largely only disabled, homeless, or poor people whose benefits we’ve needed to cut to fund a huge tax cut for the rich.”

“One more thing. Because I said it a couple of days before the election, my plan for state control of all social media and the abolish human rights is now legally binding and can be forced through as a statutory instrument without parliamentary scrutiny.”

“It is the will of the people as defined by me and Rupert Murdoch.”


Theresa May claims victory in TV debate despite not attending

The Prime Minister has claimed victory over all other parties in last night’s debate on the BBC, it has emerged.

“My strong and stable leadership shone through in the TV debate last night, and I am pleased to crown myself the clear winner in this and all subsequent debates between the party leaders.”

“Because I’m now on course to secure a large majority, I see no point wasting time in pointless debates that I will just continue to win, so I’ll be sending along one of my equally dishonest minions to face the unwashed masses.”

“Come to think of it, why don’t we just postpone the election for a few years or even decades, by which time the terror threat level might have gone down and the economy might have recovered from Brexit.”

“All the polls show I’m definitely going to secure a renewed mandate with 110% of the vote.”


F*ck you peasants, says Theresa May

Theresa May has told British peasants to go fuck themselves, it has emerged.

Speaking at the launch of the Conservative election manifesto, the Prime Minister said: “To all the peasants watching at home, FUCK YOU!”

“Because we’re confident of a crushing victory over the left wing saboteurs who continue to defy the will of the people, I’ve stuffed the Conservative Party’s manifesto full to the brim with all my spite and malice, in the form of policies designed to inflict yet more suffering on the poorest and most vulnerable in our so-called society.”

“To protect national security and to prop up the failing business model of patriotic British newspapers like the Mail and the Sun, I will legislate to censor social media and independent, left wing online media. At long last, we will ensure that citizens are no longer at risk of reading anything that is either true or left wing, raising the possibility of strong and stable Conservative rule for all eternity.”

“We will also snatch food from the mouths of hungry school children, to restore unfairness and inequality to school meal times. Because I believe in personal responsibility and good life choices,  I also believe that nobody should be required to feed somebody else’s child, however malnourished they may be.”