Tag Archives: theresa may

UK News

Not wearing a poppy to become a terrorist offence

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Not wearing a poppy in the run up to Armistice Day on 11 November is to be made a terrorist offence, the government has confirmed.

The announcement comes as a tidal wave of post-referendum Poppy-fascism threatens to tear the country apart, with TV presenters and public figures in particular being targeted for abuse if they ‘disrespect our boys’ by not wearing a poppy at all times.

A spokesperson for dictator May said: “The referendum result on the 23rd of June was decisive and gave a mandate to change our system of government to a combination of mob rule and dictatorship.”

“In order to fulfill the clear wishes of the 17 million people who voted for this, the government hereby gives notice that it will criminalise everything that displeases the racist pensioners and fascist yobs from whom the beloved dictator derives her mandate.”

“The first act to be decreed a terrorist offence will be not wearing a poppy in public at all times between 7 and 11 November, inclusive.”

“Punishment will be decided by a mob of Daily Mail readers, who will be permitted to send offenders to a G4S prison camp along with foreigners, remain voters and Prince Harry’s mixed race girlfriend.”

UK News

I really, really want to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal court decision, says Theresa May

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Theresa May really, really wants to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal the high court ruling, it has been announced.

Today’s High Court ruling that Article 50 can only be triggered with parliamentary approval has dealt a major blow to the government, which wanted to trigger Article 50 and subsequently destroy the remains of the British economy using the Royal Prerogative.

However, the mood in the government is one of defiance. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “The PM really wants to rule Britain as a dictatorial god emperor, and we will appeal against the High Court ruling that Britain is a democracy.”

“The position of this government is that on June 23rd the people clearly voted to abolish democracy and become a far right dictatorship, and this is what Theresa May and her cabinet of twats intend to deliver for the overly patriotic, mostly white people of Britain who voted to leave the EU.”

Outside the court in London, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am clearly a massive hypocrite, because I refuse to accept I lost this court case and I will not be getting over it, ever, despite the fact that since June 23rd I’ve been going around telling Remain voters to do precisely that.”

UK News

I really, really want to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal court decision, says Theresa May

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Theresa May really, really wants to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal the high court ruling, it has been announced.

Today’s High Court ruling that Article 50 can only be triggered with parliamentary approval has dealt a major blow to the government, which wanted to trigger Article 50 and subsequently destroy the remains of the British economy using the Royal Prerogative.

However, the mood in the government is one of defiance. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “The PM really wants to rule Britain as a dictatorial god emperor, and we will appeal against the High Court ruling that Britain is a democracy.”

“The position of this government is that on June 23rd the people clearly voted to abolish democracy and become a far right dictatorship, and this is what Theresa May and her cabinet of twats intend to deliver for the overly patriotic, mostly white people of Britain who voted to leave the EU.”

Outside the court in London, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am clearly a massive hypocrite, because I refuse to accept I lost this court case and I will not be getting over it, ever, despite the fact that since June 23rd I’ve been going around telling Remain voters to do precisely that.”

UK News

Just submit to my will and human rights won’t be necessary, Theresa May announces

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You will not need any human rights if you submit to me, your new dictatorial overlord, Theresa May has announced.

“For too long the government have tolerated the European concept of human rights, much to the annoyance of people like me who want to be able to do anything I want to you little people.”

“But on June 23rd the people have given me a massive mandate to do anything I want, and this includes the abolition of all human rights and all worker’s rights.”

The Prime Minister continued: “In our brave new world, there will be no need for human rights to protect patriotic and hard-working Britons from their masters in the government, unless they are engaged in criminal activities, which includes socialist thought-crime and the treasonous activity of trying to overthrow a Conservative government via the ballot box.”

“Likewise, all good British born patriots will surely agree that worker’s rights are entirely unnecessary if you are a hard-working, wealth-creater earning £100,000 a year or more.”

Sun reader Jeff Bumfield commented: “I agree with whatever lies the Sun publish today. I read the Sun for the same reason that I eat and drink from the toilet — I love to swallow shit.”

UK News

Brexit vote clearly means I can rule as a tyrannical dictator

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The marginal vote to leave the European Union clearly gives Theresa May a mandate to become a tyrannical dictator, it has been decided.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “The referendum vote to leave the European Union made it quite clear that the people want to take back our sovereignty from Brussels, only for me to suspend our system of representative democracy and rule as a tyrannical dictator.”

“The British people spoke to me personally in this referendum, and have given me a mandate to do whatever I want, as long as it involves leaving the EU and being really nasty to foreigners.”

The dictator added: “This is what gives me a unique advantage to rule this country.”

Following up with a pre-approved question, Mrs. Kuennsberg asked: “Your imperial excellency, what do you say to the naysayers, traitors and Trotskyites who have caused all the problems in Brexit Britain by refused to stop criticising you and your government at this very sensitive time?”

The Prime Minister responded: “Some people, including most of Parliament, have complained about the way I am pushing ahead with hard Brexit against the wishes of basically everyone.”

“The dual questions of EU membership and who rules the country are now settled for all time, and ‘remoaners’ like Anna Soubry and Ed Miliband should just get over the fact that they lost and I won.”

“By trying to talk and vote about Brexit in Parliament, they are attempting to defy the sacred will of the British people, and as such are trying to overthrow democracy using thoughcrime.”

UK News

British singles to be banned from dating foreigners online

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The government intends to ban British people from dating foreigners online, it has been revealed.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Theresa May lamented: “For far too long, young British people have been free to have friends or date people of different nationalities, much to the anger of middle aged readers of the Daily Mail and Express newspapers.”

“The people have spoken, and it is now essential that we crack down on international friendships and relationships, because they often result in worrying increases in the tolerance and understanding of other races and cultures.”

“Today, I have the pleasure to announce the creation of the Ministry for National Purity, the main duty of which will be to oversee the online dating scene to ensure young British singles are no longer able to fall in love with foreigners.”

“We will introduce legislation that will compel online dating websites to introduce algorithms that prevent British users from dating foreigners. In addition, sites like Plenty of Fish will be encouraged to give preference to Brexit voters when finding potential matches for their users.”

Mrs. May added: “I’m already spying on everyone’s social media activity, but now it’s time for me to take control of your love lives.”

 

 

UK News

Racism much more important than prosperity, Theresa May announces

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Being a racist country is much more important than prosperity and tolerance, the Prime Minister has decided.

Speaking to a fawning Andrew Marr who failed to ask any difficult questions, Theresa May said: “Although having a strong economy with high levels of employment and prosperity is important, I firmly believe that those things must be sacrificed at the altar of fascism so that we may turn the United Kingdom into a fully fledged racist country.”

“And that is why I am taking the country out of the European Union against the wishes and best interests of the majority of the people.”

In an audibly wavering voice, the Prime Minister continued: “Foreigners who walk among us will need to identify themselves using special badges, so that racists can more readily zero in and express their genuine concerns over immigration using abusive language.”

Speaking directly to Mr. Marr, the dictator added: “This brings us to the end of my list of approved questions, and thanks for not asking me about my secret meeting with my boss, Rupert Murdoch. Your OBE is in the post.”

To which the presenter replied: “Double plus good, your Britannic excellency. Let us stick together to keep the plebs in poverty.”

UK News

Tories pledge to make UK a ‘National Socialist’ state by 2020

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The Conservative Party is demanding that ‘National Socialism’ should be given a second chance in Britain, it has emerged.

Among the highlights of the Conservative Party conference this week, the hardline Tory fruitcake Andrea Leadsom said: “I’ve read up on some history and I think National Socialism is a fabulous idea. Let’s make Brexit Britain a National Socialist state by 2020.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has suggested that “British doctors and scientists should have their passports confiscated to force them to stay and work in Britain.”

He added: “And if they still try to flee the country to sell their knowledge to an enemy power in Europe or elsewhere, they will face good old imperial justice and will have a hand severed using a machete.”

Priti Patel has also proposed reintroducing the death penalty for foreigners and people who earn less than £100,000 a year, saying; “Equality is important, but discriminating against the poor and foreigners is even more important.”

“And that is why we should consider using the death penalty to speed up the cleansing of the poor and people who came here from somewhere else.”

UK News

I’ve had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to Brexit, says Theresa May

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The Prime Minister has had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to the Brexit cause, the government has announced.

A spokesperson for dictator Theresa May said: “After seeing Syrian city of Aleppo being reduced to rubble by a series of abysmally bad decisions by the Syrian government, with the help of foreign powers and terrorist militias, she is now convinced that we should try something similar here in the United Kingdom. She calls it her Aleppan conversion to Brexit.”

“It’s like a Damascene conversion, only way more destructive.”

It is understood that although Mrs. May had initially been disinterested in leaving the EU, she soon recognised the possibilities Brexit presents for her to turn the UK into a dictatorship of the right, and to inducing mass unemployment and poverty.

Speaking to Sky News, May said: “Only from ruins can we build a new Jerusalem of smoggy factories, workshops, and child poverty.”

“And finally win our independence from the evil thrall of the Europeans who have dominated our country and ruled it as a colony for the past 42 years.”

UK News

Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss, Rupert Murdoch

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Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss Rupert Murdoch during a visit to New York last week, in which she made her maiden speech to the UN as self-proclaimed dictator of the United Kingdom.

The Prime Minister announced: “Rupert Murdoch is a great friend to the United Kingdom, and he has promised to keep on smearing Jeremy Corbyn as long as I do everything he asks of me, starting with hard Brexit and privatisation of the BBC.”

“We also discussed the possibility of having The Sun newspaper officially declared ‘Jewish’, so that any criticism or refusal to buy the paper could be prosecuted as a race hate crime. Of course, we’re going to need a lot more surveillance of the general public to enforce this.”

Speaking at the UN  general assembly, Mrs. May argued that the fraudulent EU referendum result was a signal that they want a “politics that is more in touch with their racist concerns and reckless action to address them”.

“It was also a very clear sign that the British people are ready for me to rule as a dictator, using the Royal Prerogative to bypass Parliament and simply do anything I want, whenever I want.”

“The challenge for those of us in this room is to ensure our governments and our global institutions, such as this United Nations, remain responsive to the people that we serve,” she added.

“When our friends in the media have brainwashed the people into being fearful of immigrants, then can we unleash our most repressive policies and destroy their lives with scams such as austerity and Brexit.”