By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
The Prime Minister has had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to the Brexit cause, the government has announced.
A spokesperson for dictator Theresa May said: “After seeing Syrian city of Aleppo being reduced to rubble by a series of abysmally bad decisions by the Syrian government, with the help of foreign powers and terrorist militias, she is now convinced that we should try something similar here in the United Kingdom. She calls it her Aleppan conversion to Brexit.”
“It’s like a Damascene conversion, only way more destructive.”
It is understood that although Mrs. May had initially been disinterested in leaving the EU, she soon recognised the possibilities Brexit presents for her to turn the UK into a dictatorship of the right, and to inducing mass unemployment and poverty.
Speaking to Sky News, May said: “Only from ruins can we build a new Jerusalem of smoggy factories, workshops, and child poverty.”
“And finally win our independence from the evil thrall of the Europeans who have dominated our country and ruled it as a colony for the past 42 years.”
Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss Rupert Murdoch during a visit to New York last week, in which she made her maiden speech to the UN as self-proclaimed dictator of the United Kingdom.
The Prime Minister announced: “Rupert Murdoch is a great friend to the United Kingdom, and he has promised to keep on smearing Jeremy Corbyn as long as I do everything he asks of me, starting with hard Brexit and privatisation of the BBC.”
“We also discussed the possibility of having The Sun newspaper officially declared ‘Jewish’, so that any criticism or refusal to buy the paper could be prosecuted as a race hate crime. Of course, we’re going to need a lot more surveillance of the general public to enforce this.”
Speaking at the UN general assembly, Mrs. May argued that the fraudulent EU referendum result was a signal that they want a “politics that is more in touch with their racist concerns and reckless action to address them”.
“It was also a very clear sign that the British people are ready for me to rule as a dictator, using the Royal Prerogative to bypass Parliament and simply do anything I want, whenever I want.”
“The challenge for those of us in this room is to ensure our governments and our global institutions, such as this United Nations, remain responsive to the people that we serve,” she added.
“When our friends in the media have brainwashed the people into being fearful of immigrants, then can we unleash our most repressive policies and destroy their lives with scams such as austerity and Brexit.”
A man who chose to plunge millions of children into poverty is now pretending he does in fact give a shit about the quality of their education, it has emerged.
Former Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne said: “My cruel austerity policies were designed to squeeze the poorest families in Britain, in order to funnel more money to people who are already rich.”
“Even though I understood the consequences of austerity, such as a huge increase in homelessness, the death of vast numbers of the sick and disabled, and a massive rise in child poverty, I went ahead regardless because I just don’t give a shit about those people.
“They are the undeserving poor and disabled, and can fuck off. Or so I thought.”
“I am now asking the public to believe that I have changed my ideology to that of Jeremy Corbyn, and that I do now actually give a shit about at least some of them.”
“I am publicly opposing Theresa May’s reintroduction of grammar schools because they are bad for the majority of children, and definitely not because I am angered that she failed to give me a position in her cabinet of millionaires, because that would be the height of hypocrisy.”
After her comedic success in Parliament, the Prime Minister is now considering a career in stand up comedy, it has been revealed.
Theresa May said: “My wooden delivery of a succession of low quality scripted jokes, when I should have been answering questions about serious issues such as poverty and housing, caused significant mirth and chortling from the toffs on the benches behind me.”
“However, it is possible that my Conservative colleagues were laughing instead at the thought of killing large numbers of disabled people, and plunging yet more children into poverty through our cruel austerity policies.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, whose fawning and uncritical coverage of Mrs. May has raised eyebrows in some quarters, described the PM’s performance as “a masterclass in batting away the trifling concerns of the undeserving poor, to focus on bigger issues like whether Jeremy Corbyn is a communist vampire antichrist and a traitor who will be the death of us all.”
Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson was also impressed, saying: “I’ll support anything that makes Jeremy look bad, because I fucking hate him. His intention to improve the lives of the poor, the sick, the homeless, and even rail passengers is fucking disgusting.”
Mr Watson added: “Beware Jeremy Corbyn’s left wing mind control rays. Wear your aluminium foil hat at all times.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith
The government’s plan to make Britain look ridiculous on the world stage is a great success, Theresa May has announced.
The announcement comes after Prime Minister met with other leaders from G20 countries, all of whom basically laughed in her face over her ‘courageous decision’ to take the UK out of the European Union against the wishes of the majority of the public, against the wishes of the majority of MPs, and against the advice of the vast majority of academics and economists.
When a journalist asked whether she is really willing to completely destroy the British economy and how she feels about criticism from other world leaders, Mrs May explained that the ‘fingers in ears approach’, among the known symptoms of ‘Gove Disease‘, will serve her well in the coming months.
Watching at home on television, a baby boomer has castigated his adult son for not paying attention to the BBC’s coverage of the G20 summit. Without recognising the irony, leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Son, you should be watching this because it’s about YOUR future.”
“Of course, by this I mean the dystopian future of virtual slavery I chose for you and all your snowflake friends when I voted to leave the EU.”
“What the youth of today need is to be toughened-up by several decades of totally unnecessary poverty and hardship, while my generation enjoy a quite comfortable retirement with loads of benefits, and hang on to a substantial sum of equity in the house we bought at a rock bottom price in the 1970s or 1980s.”
“I will now proceed to act like it was my generation who fought and won the second world war and, therefore, that we have some kind of moral justification to put the younger generations through this latest round of pure shit.”
Theresa May has confirmed she will now rule Britain as a dictator, after lawyers gave her exactly the same legal opinion that she paid them to provide.
The Prime Minister said: “I have always believed that parliament doesn’t need to be consulted when making the most significant constitutional change in the history of our democracy, and finally I’ve found some lawyers willing to reach precisely the legal conclusions I want in exchange for money.”
“I am immensely proud to be the first female dictator to rule this once great country.”
“Even though the EU referendum was merely advisory and the vote was conducted on the basis of unadulterated lies, I’m going to use my newly decreed dictatorial powers to unilaterally invoke Article 50, against the wishes of the majority of MPs and the majority of the public.”
“There may be an outcry from members of the public whose brains have not yet been rotted by reality television. Such people represent a clear threat to national security, but do not worry, the Police State Act 2017 will deal with them.”
“Some of my critics have suggested that I’m a secret Brexiter, and cynically hid my intentions until I was safely installed as Prime Minister. I find that offensive – I’m much more cynical than that.”
“I don’t actually give a shit about Brexit. What interests me is that Brexit presents an incredible opportunity to seize power for myself, to sweep away all kinds of protections and human rights, and to abolish parliamentary democracy,” the prime minister added.
The Prime Minister has now abandoned all plans to attend Parliament fully nude, it has emerged.
Mrs. May is said to have told key allies of plans to rush through a raft of measures ranging from surveillance of what people do in their lavatories, to logging the preferred gender and body-type of those who view internet pornography, in order to fight terrorism and thought crime.
The Prime Minister was said to be very keen to make her argument as convincing as possible, and had planned to use the classic ‘if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear’ argument, all while standing completely nude at the dispatch box.
It is not clear when or why Theresa May backed away from her planned nude appearance in Parliament. However, an anonymous cabinet member has suggested that cost may have been an issue, with Mrs. May’s husband reportedly being unhappy at having to pay out for a significant makeover for his wife at a time when he is trying to increase his shareholding in several companies that are poised to take over the soon to be outsourced NHS and Trident nuclear deterrent.
MPs were left stunned today as Home Secretary Theresa May opted to go fully nude during a parliamentary debate on the new investigatory powers bill.
Speaking about new legislation that will allow the state to intrude on the privacy of every man, woman and child in Britain Mrs May said: “The threat of terrorism posed by jihadis and the Labour Party can only be defeated by placing everybody under 24 hour surveillance. That is why I stand before you, completely naked, with nothing whatsoever to hide, and thus nothing to fear.”
Speaking outside Parliament, Labour MP Harriet Harman described the Home Secretary’s nude speech as “daring and inspirational, an example to us all.”
However, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron labeled it a “cheap stunt designed to deflect attention” from what he claimed is “the sinister totalitarian agenda of the Home Secretary.”